Tag Archives: Sex

Mentoring

How Christian women can make Christian men marry without using sex appeal

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I just want to jot down a few points about this in brief – this will not be a comprehensive treatment. This is a rush job – I’m leaving things out, it will probably come across as very insulting and scatter-brained.

First, I am addressing this to women who are interested in marriage and children. If you are a woman and you are not interested in marriage and children, this will be no good to you. The reason why is because this method only works for men who are interested in marriage and children.

I’m addressing this to an imaginary Christian woman, whom I will henceforth refer to as “you”.

The wrong approach

Here are some things that women do wrong when trying to get a man to marry.

  • choosing a man based on non-Christian criteria or just selfishness
  • choosing a man based on his appearance of first impressions
  • choosing a man based on whether he is fun and popular
  • thinking that Christianity is a check box on an application form, rather than a 3-hour exam
  • thinking of marriage as bliss that will work out somehow, without planning and effort
  • not understanding what men are really like
  • not understanding what children are really like
  • not understanding what the Bible has to say about marriage
  • thinking that you can make a man love you by using sex appeal or sex itself
  • thinking that acting like a man is what a man wants

In short, marriage should be understood as a task, requiring planning by both partners, as well as study, skills and a will. You’re not picking a man, you’re picking a plan, the plan that you think will help God the most. And there is absolutely no need to resort to sex or alcohol or anything order to discuss these things. What actually works on me is writing me a good long essay about anything. Because marriage is more about communication and relationships than anything else. You can have intimacy without alcohol just by turning the conversation to topics that matter and writing about them.

The lever

Since you will not be using sex, you might as well get clear on what you can use. You can use three things.

  • The Bible, theology, church history and apologetics
  • The man’s own plan to marry and the steps he’s taken so far
  • Your own willingness to do whatever it takes to make your relationship please God

The basic idea is that you are going to find out what marriage in a Christian context is about. Then you are going to find out the man’s plan for marriage within the context of his Christian worldview. Then you are going to convince him that the most rational thing to do in order to achieve his plan is to marry you. You’re going to convince him that he will get a much higher degree of success with you, than without you. Not to mention the possibility of you bearing children and then helping him to parent children who will also count for God.

You’re the helper

Biblically, the role of the woman in the marriage is supposed that of helper. That doesn’t mean that you cannot have your own plan as well, it just means that the way you are going to have a relationship with a man is by helping him with his plan. And in order to help him with his plan, you have to talk to him about his plan. You have to show him that he isn’t going to get dragged away from his high ideals by you if he marries you. On the contrary – you are going to catapult him into the stars, in ways he cannot even imagine.

Here’s what you can do.

  • convince yourself that Christianity is true by studying apologetics, etc.
  • read about chivalry, romance and courtly love
  • get used to the idea that God comes above your own needs and desires
  • begin to view men as tools for serving God instead of tools for serving you
  • learn to evaluate men on the quality of their plans and whether it will help God
  • spend time writing and talking to the man about his plan (eye contact talking)
  • learn to hold your temper in check in order to gain his confidence
  • study to find out more about his goals, and how to achieve them
  • study to find out more about what forces are working against him
  • buy him things to help him with his plan
  • assign him tasks to do that you think will help him to serve God better
  • think of solutions to problems that he is facing and tell him
  • solve those problems and then report to him that the problems are solved
  • form his character by approving and affirming Christian/family behaviors
  • practice evangelism and apologetics to show that you care about nurturing other people’s worldviews
  • take on difficult long-term commitments like starting a business, being a missionary, earning degrees

Who wouldn’t want to have someone around who really knows them, who they can really talk to, and who is always improving their character and helping them to solve problems? The more you study what he is doing and learn things that can help him, the more he will want to have you around everywhere he goes. Every skill you get has potential for solving problems that you both may face when you start a family. It’s actually a very good idea to collect useful skills, make money and have a plan of your own. And I’ll explain why.

Nothing impresses a man more than a woman who is passionate, but rational, about some issue bigger than her own needs. Look at Michele Bachmann and Jennifer Roback Morse. Men are chivalrous. They want to protect and provide for women who are chaste and honorable. But they don’t want to waste time on women who are not engaged in some sort of noble enterprise. And they don’t want to waste time trying to commit to a woman who tries to manipulate them by rushing them into sex, either. Working on your own plan communicates to a man that you are more interested in helping God than in your own needs.

Women should be able to persuade people without getting personal or straying from arguments and evidence. Standing up for your view should be easy for you, but don’t overpower the man just to get your way. Ideally, you should win arguments with him because your ideas are just plain more effective at serving God than his ideas. Of course, if you think he’s right, then go along with him, by all means. I have actually gotten to the point with two women where arguing is a recreational activity than always ends in compliments for them about how happy I am that I can be myself with them. And that’s what a man really wants, anyway.

Marriage and children

But there’s more to being a helper than that. There’s the duties of a wife and mother. Marriage today is an enormous risk and responsibility for a man. The way to persuade a man to marry is to show him that you have studied his concerns, that his concerns are actually much worse than he knows, and that you have solutions to all of his problems. Show him that you have studied these things in detail, that you have written about these concerns passionately in public, and that you are serious about solving them. If you can’t solve the problems, (e.g. – hate crime bills, taxes for public schools), then show him that you are informed about these issues, on his side, and have at least spoken or written passionately about it somewhere public.

Here are some ideas for learning how to be a good wife and mother.

  • study what men think about wives, marriage and children
  • study threats to marriage from taxes, family courts, public schools, etc.
  • study the risks that men are taking on by deciding to marry and become fathers
  • think and write about how you can make your husband and children a gift for God
  • understand the proper care and feeding of husbands and children – how do they thrive?
  • practice taking care others – plants, cars, friends, pets, elderly, children, the poor
  • study to find out what divorce does to men and children
  • study what fatherlessness does to a child
  • study to understand the competition for liberty and resources between family and state
  • practice arguing with men about facts and policies, disregarding your own person, and focusing on the arguments
  • you should absolutely abhor feminism and argue against it at every opportunity
  • be ready to drop everything at a moment’s notice and focus your attention on your relationship

Remember, the way that you treat a man in terms of encouraging and supporting his plan is the main way that you tell him two things: 1) that you will continue to do this after the marriage, so that he doesn’t have to give up his noble plan, and 2) that you will be encouraging and supporting his children towards their goals, so that he can have complete confidence in leaving the children with you until they get old enough for him to take over more of the parenting, (say, age 6 and on). If you help him, then pleasing you will become part of his plan.

It is extremely important to a man that he can trust you to teach the children right from wrong, and the Christian faith, especially when it goes against your compassionate feminine nature. I have actually seen this done, where a mother understands parenting and child development so much that she won’t yield to a screaming disobedient child because he has to learn the habits that will see him on to a Ph.D in physics. What’s even more fun is when she explains to you why she’s doing it, and where she studied it. That what makes a man happy.

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News

MUST-READ: Why our schools are failing boys

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An article from the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

Excerpt:

According to the federal department of human resources and skills development, 18 per cent of young men 18-24 were in university in 2005-06. The equivalent figure for young women was 28 per cent.

At the same time, the high school dropout rate for male students has remained consistently higher in recent decades than that for girls, another indicator that our education system is failing our boys.

[…]I am blaming “the system” for this because we shouldn’t be blaming young male students for the difficulties they face in what is arguably an increasingly female-programmed educational culture.

[…]”Classrooms keep getting set up more and more around the verbal and less around the kinesthetic and active,” says Michael Gurian author of Boys and Girls Learn Differently. “They are increasingly becoming environments that favour the girls’ brain.”

And as enticing as the notion may be to some radical feminists, we simply cannot re-engineer the male brain. From a teacher’s perspective, at least, boys and girls are simply different.

[…]In fiction, they like text that is funny and they like material with action and description. They also seem to like to solve problems.

So why do we not treat this male brain as a springboard from which we can set the groundwork for a new generation of male scientists, engineers, teachers, journalists and businessmen? As a change from our current one-size-fits-all approach.

Please, read the whole thing. This is a news story in the state-run media of a secular Marxist-feminist welfare state, people. HOLY. SNARK.

(Actually, CBC is less crappy than other state-run media like NPR, BBC and ABC – just look at this recent CBC article by Rex Murphy that ECM sent me about Harper’s decision to prorogue the Parliament)

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News

MUST-READ: Matt Flanagan defends the pro-life position at MandM

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This is a really good post. (H/T xxx)

First, he argues that none of the traditional arguments for abortion work if the unborn child is an innocent human being. He then explains briefly why the unborn child is human. And then he counters several objections to the humanity of the unborn.

Excerpt:

The fact that a fetus cannot survive independently of its mother does not mean it is not a human being. Fetal viability is contingent upon the medical technology of a given culture. A fetus that is not viable in Chad is viable in Los Angeles. If viability is necessary for something to be a human then a woman pregnant with a viable fetus in Los Angeles who flies from Los Angeles to Chad carries a human being when she leaves but this human being ceases to exist when she arrives in India and yet becomes human again when she returns (Peter Singer Writings on an Ethical Life (2000) 148).

Similarly, while the fetus lacks consciousness, lack of consciousness does not make a being non-human. If it did, then a human being ceases to exist when asleep or unconscious and then pops back into existence upon awakening. Shooting someone would cease to be homicide provided we render him or her unconscious first.

I’m reading the comments now and it looks like one of the challengers is using the Violinist argument from Judith Jarvis Thomson, which states that a woman is justified in using deadly force to repel invaders, even if they are human beings.

The challenger says:

Yes, abortion is homicide. But abortion on demand is JUSTIFIABLE homicide.

If something is inside your body, then you’re entitled to have it killed. No exceptions. Even if it’s an “innocent” person. If you were inside my body, then I’d be entitled to kill you, and if I were inside your body, you’d be entitled to kill me.

Matt responds with this:

The question then is not whether the fetus is intruding upon a mother’s body, it is whether the fetus unjustly intrudes on her body. Has the mother done anything that places a duty on her to provide bodily support to the fetus or that gives the fetus a justified claim upon her body?

I maintain that in most cases such a duty exists. A parent has a duty to provide the children that their voluntary actions have brought into existence the normal, basic necessities that those children need in order to reach maturity.

Except in the very rare case of pregnancy from rape or in cases where the pregnancy poses a serious threat to the mother’s life this duty applies. The woman has engaged in voluntary intercourse, has brought the child into existence and bringing the child to term is one of the normal, basic, necessity the child needs to mature. Hence the fetus is not unjustly intruding upon the mother’s body.

That’s what I would have said, because I always emphasize the responsibility aspect. Babies don’t just appear out of nothing, you know.

But look what Matt’s wife Madeleine says:

I am assuming you are not wanting your argument to endorse infanticide. If this is the case, then you cannot simply appeal to “your body” as a newborn makes incredible demands on the body of its mother if it is breastfed. Even if not breastfed, the adult(s) taking care of it also have extremely high demands placed on their body to ensure its health and survival – sleep deprivation, formula making and feeding, nappy changing, financial drains (finances come from work, work requires the use of one’s body), immunisations, doctors visits, increased cleaning and housework and so on. The demands a newborn places on the body of another are higher than the demands a fetus places on the body of its mother; you can measure it scientifically by comparing the calorie intake required by the life-providing adult pre-birth and after-birth (and also by talking to any woman who has been pregnant and then has cared for their own child).

Now, the reason I do not think you intended to endorse infanticide is because you limited your appeal to “your body” with the addition of the qualification ‘location’ – you stated “If you were inside my body…” What I want to know is what is it about demands made on your body that gives you a right to kill when those demands are made inside your body but not when those demands, arguably greater demands, are made outside your body? It seems rather arbitrary to claim that one’s right to control one’s body has this kind of asymmetry.

It’s fun because she knows what she’s talking about from experience.

This post is highly recommended! And the comments are fun, too.

UPDATE: I had mistakenly stated that Madeleine had an abortion previously, but actually I was mistaken and must have been thinking of someone else. I apologize for my stupidity!