Note: The following post was written by my friend Laura. On this blog, I have often offered men suggestions about what to ask prospective mates. Laura’s article looks at the problem from the other side, offering women suggestions about what to look out for in a husband candidate. I’ll be posting one per day for the next 10 days.

Apart from the decision to follow Christ, marriage is the biggest decision you will ever make. It is a lifelong commitment that will impact every area of your life for as long as you both shall live. As Jesus’ disciples realized and the apostle Paul taught explicitly, for many people it is better not to marry at all (1 Corinthians 7). But for those who do marry, it must not be entered into lightly. Here are ten behaviors to avoid in men when considering committing for life.

10. Unwillingness or inability to lay out a plan for your life and ministry together. A man ought to be able to communicate what he needs and desires from his wife, how he sees her fitting into his plans for life and ministry, and how he intends to equip her to achieve the important work that is before her. He must present a vision for her spiritual, emotional, relational, and physical well-being, and he must be willing and able to provide the necessary resources to make this vision a reality.

If a man hasn’t thought about how his wife fits into his life and plans, he isn’t ready for marriage. And if he has expectations of her, he must not only identify those expectations and communicate them, but he must also provide everything she needs in order to thrive in her role. Of course, there is freedom to tailor the plans to the women’s strengths and passions, but it is not enough for a man to ask a woman to join him for a lifetime without communicating his plans to make her effective as well.

Without these conversations, a woman may find that she is dragged along into whatever next adventure excites her husband, without thought or care for what she needs or how she can contribute effectively. A prepared and thoughtful husband will not allow this to happen. He will commit to prioritizing her ministry with his time, money, and decisions rather than leaving her to create (and potentially recreate) her own life and ministry without any help from him.

Conclusion

Marriage is hard, and the only way to do it is to commit for life! The stupidest thing a person can do, apart from rejecting Christ, is to marry a bad spouse.

How do you know if your man will make a bad spouse? Avoid the behaviors above, and wait for a man who reads great books often; demonstrates a biblical view of spiritual leadership; is willing to make enemies rather than compromise his convictions; responds humbly to constructive criticism; engages in healthy and productive disagreements; treats people with kindness, gentleness, and self-control; shares his feelings about matters of significance; stewards his finances well, without stinginess or frivolity; demonstrates genuine love and concern for other Christians; and communicates his long-term plan for life and ministry together with his wife. If you can’t find a man like this, I implore you, do not settle for a lesser man. A lifetime of regret is not worth it.

Note: The following post was written by my friend Laura. On this blog, I have often offered men suggestions about what to ask prospective mates. Laura’s article looks at the problem from the other side, offering women suggestions about what to look out for in a husband candidate. I’ll be posting one per day for the next 10 days.

Apart from the decision to follow Christ, marriage is the biggest decision you will ever make. It is a lifelong commitment that will impact every area of your life for as long as you both shall live. As Jesus’ disciples realized and the apostle Paul taught explicitly, for many people it is better not to marry at all (1 Corinthians 7). But for those who do marry, it must not be entered into lightly. Here are ten behaviors to avoid in men when considering committing for life.

9. Lacks serious concern for others. If a man hasn’t shown genuine love and concern for others—being willing to help them solve their problems, recover from their wounds, and overcome their hardships—he isn’t going to show genuine love and concern for you once the honeymoon period is over. A man who loves others well listens to their story, empathizes with their struggles, identifies their needs, and takes action to help them in practical ways. He is not indifferent to the plight of others, but he takes seriously the tasks of helping others through mentoring, encouragement, provision, and protection.

It is not possible to live the Christian life without taking seriously the commands to love one another. In John 13:34-35 Jesus says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

People will be able to identify us as Jesus’ disciples by our love for fellow Christians! Jesus doesn’t say they will know us primarily by our love for the atheist, the poor, the feminist, the homosexual, or the Muslim. Although we are to show love to all people, many non-Christians care about those groups too. What distinguishes us as God’s children is our love for one another.

If your man is too busy with other things to love fellow Christians well by taking action to alleviate their suffering, making sure their needs are met and ensuring they know their value and worth as members of the family of God, then you do not want to marry him!

Ask him who he mentors. Ask him what actions he has taken to help other Christians. Ask him about his relationships with other Christians, and get to know those people too. Ask his friends what makes him a great friend, and ask even his enemies and ex-girlfriends to tell you what kind of a man he is. Do whatever it takes to get to know the best and worst about him, and remember that one day, when the lovey-dovey, he’s-so-hot period of your relationship has passed, his character will be what remains. If he was willing to sacrifice his own ease and comfort to love other Christians without personal gain before you married him, he will likely be willing to do the same for you for the long haul.

Note: The following post was written by my friend Laura. On this blog, I have often offered men suggestions about what to ask prospective mates. Laura’s article looks at the problem from the other side, offering women suggestions about what to look out for in a husband candidate. I’ll be posting one per day for the next 10 days.

Apart from the decision to follow Christ, marriage is the biggest decision you will ever make. It is a lifelong commitment that will impact every area of your life for as long as you both shall live. As Jesus’ disciples realized and the apostle Paul taught explicitly, for many people it is better not to marry at all (1 Corinthians 7). But for those who do marry, it must not be entered into lightly. Here are ten behaviors to avoid in men when considering committing for life.

8. Poor handling of finances. A critical part of a man’s responsibility is to provide for his family financially. If he doesn’t have a useful, income-earning skill, he is not ready for marriage and children. But a man must not only earn money; he must steward it wisely. This requires wisdom to know what is important to God and what is not important. It requires knowing that everything belongs to God and has simply been entrusted to him for a time.

If he spends money frivolously or irresponsibly, he will not be able to use that money for important things like equipping his wife for effective ministry, preparing his children to be effective Christians by making sure they have a good education and great books to read, and equipping those he is mentoring to go out and make disciples. On the other hand, if he is stingy and cares more about his bank account than about equipping those around him for effective ministry, the same problems will abound. In either case, he will not have much to show for the resources with which he’s been entrusted, and he may even pressure his wife to sacrifice ministry, put the kids in daycare, and let others raise them in order to have a second income.

Before you get married, ask your man who and what he gives money to and why. Ask him how he plans to equip you to carry out your ministry, including raising the children. Ask him what he believes is worth spending money on and what isn’t. And observe the decisions he makes. If he prioritizes luxury items over ministry, or if he plans to deprive his family of all they need to thrive in life and ministry for the sake of putting his security in a huge savings account, he is probably not going to be someone you want to entrust as the head of your home.

Note: The following post was written by my friend Laura. On this blog, I have often offered men suggestions about what to ask prospective mates. Laura’s article looks at the problem from the other side, offering women suggestions about what to look out for in a husband candidate. I’ll be posting one per day for the next 10 days.

Apart from the decision to follow Christ, marriage is the biggest decision you will ever make. It is a lifelong commitment that will impact every area of your life for as long as you both shall live. As Jesus’ disciples realized and the apostle Paul taught explicitly, for many people it is better not to marry at all (1 Corinthians 7). But for those who do marry, it must not be entered into lightly. Here are ten behaviors to avoid in men when considering committing for life.

7. Unwillingness or inability to share feelings. Let me begin this point by saying that I love manly men, and I absolutely despise any attempts by women to emasculate men and demonize masculinity. I am not advocating for men to turn into whiny, emotional children who prioritize feelings over facts when making decisions or forming their convictions. However, it is magnificently masculine for a man to be able to share how he feels with the trustworthy people in his life, and especially with his wife.

Before the Fall, in all his sinless glory, having been created in the image of God, Adam saw Eve and celebrated in a spontaneous burst of praise, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” (Genesis 2:23) Later, King David expressed his feelings about his enemies, his sin, his fears, his Lord, his longings, and more as he wrote his psalms, which God saw fit to include in his special revelation to humanity. And Jesus had no problem expressing his feelings, including righteous anger, compassion, sorrow, and even anguish. Even God the Father reveals a variety of His own emotions throughout the Bible.

In expressing himself to his (future) wife, it isn’t enough for a man to say, “I love you”, or “You’re great”, or other such ambiguous and effortless phrases. He must be able to articulate what he loves about her, what she does that is great, how she makes him feel, and why she makes him feel that way.

Additionally, expressing his feelings about his wife, while probably most important, isn’t sufficient either. He needs to be able to say, for example, “I’m sad because I was humiliated at work today” or “It grieves me that 60 million unborn babies have been killed by their own mothers since 1973” or “I’m angry that people who have never read an economics book just voted for liberal policies that disincentivize hard work, ingenuity, marriage, fidelity, and prosperity, which have raised billions of people out of poverty over the past 100 years.”

A man who articulates his feelings on a variety of matters is able to enlist the support and encouragement of his wife (and friends), but a man who cannot or will not express himself will not be able to maintain intimacy in his marriage over the course of a lifetime.

Fortunately, this is a skill which can be learned, but it must be learned before marriage. It is hard work, and involves a complete shift in priorities. Marriage-minded men must turn away from watching Netflix, spending excessive amounts of time playing games, and soaking in the messages of today’s culture. Instead, they must surround themselves with examples of masculine expressiveness and romance in response to the great actions of good women, whether through classical literature, Christian books on marriage, classical movies, or time spent with personal role models.

Note: The following post was written by my friend Laura. On this blog, I have often offered men suggestions about what to ask prospective mates. Laura’s article looks at the problem from the other side, offering women suggestions about what to look out for in a husband candidate. I’ll be posting one per day for the next 10 days.

Apart from the decision to follow Christ, marriage is the biggest decision you will ever make. It is a lifelong commitment that will impact every area of your life for as long as you both shall live. As Jesus’ disciples realized and the apostle Paul taught explicitly, for many people it is better not to marry at all (1 Corinthians 7). But for those who do marry, it must not be entered into lightly. Here are ten behaviors to avoid in men when considering committing for life.

6. Lacks kindness, gentleness, and self-control, especially in his treatment of women. Men are designed to lead and protect women. Husbands are given authority over their wives for this purpose, and practically speaking, they are generally bigger, stronger, and less vulnerable to harm. Women, in contrast, tend to be more delicate, sensitive, and relational. Accordingly, in 1 Peter 3:7, men are commanded to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

In other words, men are to be gentle with their wives. They are to be steady, stable, and able to control their emotions in a variety of challenging situations. If a man is prone to surrendering to his emotions, either through angry outbursts, condescending or contemptuous manners of speaking, use of intimidation rather than reason, or other emotional behavior disproportionate to the triggering event, this is not a man you will be able to count on when the going gets tough. Anger and harshness in particular can be scary to women and detrimental to relationships, but the Bible calls men to be gentle, considerate, understanding, and to show honor to women. Even if you think you can handle a man’s harshness, consider this: God does not accept it. According to 1 Peter 3:7, such behavior is enough to hinder a man’s prayers, and that is something you do not want in a husband.

If you’ve never seen your boyfriend in challenging, stressful situations that require him to work with you (and others) to resolve problems, then you don’t know him well enough to marry him. And if he responds to such situations with anger, harshness, blaming, quitting, or other childish behaviors, trust me: you do not want to marry him.