I just want to jot down a few points about this in brief – this will not be a comprehensive treatment. This is a rush job – I’m leaving things out, it will probably come across as very insulting and scatter-brained.
First, I am addressing this to women who are interested in marriage and children. If you are a woman and you are not interested in marriage and children, this will be no good to you. The reason why is because this method only works for men who are interested in marriage and children.
I’m addressing this to an imaginary Christian woman, whom I will henceforth refer to as “you”.
The wrong approach
Here are some things that women do wrong when trying to get a man to marry.
- choosing a man based on non-Christian criteria or just selfishness
- choosing a man based on his appearance of first impressions
- choosing a man based on whether he is fun and popular
- thinking that Christianity is a check box on an application form, rather than a 3-hour exam
- thinking of marriage as bliss that will work out somehow, without planning and effort
- not understanding what men are really like
- not understanding what children are really like
- not understanding what the Bible has to say about marriage
- thinking that you can make a man love you by using sex appeal or sex itself
- thinking that acting like a man is what a man wants
In short, marriage should be understood as a task, requiring planning by both partners, as well as study, skills and a will. You’re not picking a man, you’re picking a plan, the plan that you think will help God the most. And there is absolutely no need to resort to sex or alcohol or anything order to discuss these things. What actually works on me is writing me a good long essay about anything. Because marriage is more about communication and relationships than anything else. You can have intimacy without alcohol just by turning the conversation to topics that matter and writing about them.
Since you will not be using sex, you might as well get clear on what you can use. You can use three things.
- The Bible, theology, church history and apologetics
- The man’s own plan to marry and the steps he’s taken so far
- Your own willingness to do whatever it takes to make your relationship please God
The basic idea is that you are going to find out what marriage in a Christian context is about. Then you are going to find out the man’s plan for marriage within the context of his Christian worldview. Then you are going to convince him that the most rational thing to do in order to achieve his plan is to marry you. You’re going to convince him that he will get a much higher degree of success with you, than without you. Not to mention the possibility of you bearing children and then helping him to parent children who will also count for God.
You’re the helper
Biblically, the role of the woman in the marriage is supposed that of helper. That doesn’t mean that you cannot have your own plan as well, it just means that the way you are going to have a relationship with a man is by helping him with his plan. And in order to help him with his plan, you have to talk to him about his plan. You have to show him that he isn’t going to get dragged away from his high ideals by you if he marries you. On the contrary – you are going to catapult him into the stars, in ways he cannot even imagine.
Here’s what you can do.
- convince yourself that Christianity is true by studying apologetics, etc.
- read about chivalry, romance and courtly love
- get used to the idea that God comes above your own needs and desires
- begin to view men as tools for serving God instead of tools for serving you
- learn to evaluate men on the quality of their plans and whether it will help God
- spend time writing and talking to the man about his plan (eye contact talking)
- learn to hold your temper in check in order to gain his confidence
- study to find out more about his goals, and how to achieve them
- study to find out more about what forces are working against him
- buy him things to help him with his plan
- assign him tasks to do that you think will help him to serve God better
- think of solutions to problems that he is facing and tell him
- solve those problems and then report to him that the problems are solved
- form his character by approving and affirming Christian/family behaviors
- practice evangelism and apologetics to show that you care about nurturing other people’s worldviews
- take on difficult long-term commitments like starting a business, being a missionary, earning degrees
Who wouldn’t want to have someone around who really knows them, who they can really talk to, and who is always improving their character and helping them to solve problems? The more you study what he is doing and learn things that can help him, the more he will want to have you around everywhere he goes. Every skill you get has potential for solving problems that you both may face when you start a family. It’s actually a very good idea to collect useful skills, make money and have a plan of your own. And I’ll explain why.
Nothing impresses a man more than a woman who is passionate, but rational, about some issue bigger than her own needs. Look at Michele Bachmann and Jennifer Roback Morse. Men are chivalrous. They want to protect and provide for women who are chaste and honorable. But they don’t want to waste time on women who are not engaged in some sort of noble enterprise. And they don’t want to waste time trying to commit to a woman who tries to manipulate them by rushing them into sex, either. Working on your own plan communicates to a man that you are more interested in helping God than in your own needs.
Women should be able to persuade people without getting personal or straying from arguments and evidence. Standing up for your view should be easy for you, but don’t overpower the man just to get your way. Ideally, you should win arguments with him because your ideas are just plain more effective at serving God than his ideas. Of course, if you think he’s right, then go along with him, by all means. I have actually gotten to the point with two women where arguing is a recreational activity than always ends in compliments for them about how happy I am that I can be myself with them. And that’s what a man really wants, anyway.
Marriage and children
But there’s more to being a helper than that. There’s the duties of a wife and mother. Marriage today is an enormous risk and responsibility for a man. The way to persuade a man to marry is to show him that you have studied his concerns, that his concerns are actually much worse than he knows, and that you have solutions to all of his problems. Show him that you have studied these things in detail, that you have written about these concerns passionately in public, and that you are serious about solving them. If you can’t solve the problems, (e.g. – hate crime bills, taxes for public schools), then show him that you are informed about these issues, on his side, and have at least spoken or written passionately about it somewhere public.
Here are some ideas for learning how to be a good wife and mother.
- study what men think about wives, marriage and children
- study threats to marriage from taxes, family courts, public schools, etc.
- study the risks that men are taking on by deciding to marry and become fathers
- think and write about how you can make your husband and children a gift for God
- understand the proper care and feeding of husbands and children – how do they thrive?
- practice taking care others – plants, cars, friends, pets, elderly, children, the poor
- study to find out what divorce does to men and children
- study what fatherlessness does to a child
- study to understand the competition for liberty and resources between family and state
- practice arguing with men about facts and policies, disregarding your own person, and focusing on the arguments
- you should absolutely abhor feminism and argue against it at every opportunity
- be ready to drop everything at a moment’s notice and focus your attention on your relationship
Remember, the way that you treat a man in terms of encouraging and supporting his plan is the main way that you tell him two things: 1) that you will continue to do this after the marriage, so that he doesn’t have to give up his noble plan, and 2) that you will be encouraging and supporting his children towards their goals, so that he can have complete confidence in leaving the children with you until they get old enough for him to take over more of the parenting, (say, age 6 and on). If you help him, then pleasing you will become part of his plan.
It is extremely important to a man that he can trust you to teach the children right from wrong, and the Christian faith, especially when it goes against your compassionate feminine nature. I have actually seen this done, where a mother understands parenting and child development so much that she won’t yield to a screaming disobedient child because he has to learn the habits that will see him on to a Ph.D in physics. What’s even more fun is when she explains to you why she’s doing it, and where she studied it. That what makes a man happy.
- Courting rules: how to respect a Christian man in the style of Ephesians 5
- Courting rules: what should a Christian woman be looking for in a man?
- Courting rules: how to tell if a woman is a committed Christian
- Courting rules: how men use self-control to make relationships count for God
- Are churches preparing women to choose real men for husbands?
- What is the meaning and purpose of white roses?
- Does being a virgin before marriage affect marital stability?
- How to communicate requirements to a Christian woman during courtship
- How Christian women can make Christian men marry without using sex appeal
- The rules for friendship and courtship between Christians
- What Christian men want from Christian women… in paintings!
- Should Christians marry non-Christians?