Where are all the Christian women? Are Christian women ready for marriage?

I have noticed some very alarming things about single Christian women lately, and I want to write about some of them.

I think that the main thrust of courting from the man’s perspective is that you want to 1) communicate your plan to make the marriage and the children have a positive impact for Christ and his kingdom, 2) you want to demonstrate that you understand the needs of women and that you are capable of meeting those needs, especially the needs for love and companionship, 3) that you understand the roles of a man and you have made preparations and decisions to be ready to fulfill those roles, and 4) you want to ask the kinds of questions that will allow you to ensure that the woman you are courting is ready to fulfill her roles – because she has also made preparations and good decisions.

Well, the problem I wanted to talk about has to do with objective 1). I have communicated my plan to many women and I find that there are particular parts where they resist. The main thing I would like to do is to have four children who all go into different interesting fields and make an impact for Christ. Here are some of the areas I think would be most useful:

  • cosmologist or astrophysicist
  • biochemist/bioinformatics
  • economist to research marriage and parenting
  • lawyer to join the Alliance Defense Fund

The goal here is that the children will be able to pursue their field of study without being persecuted by secular leftists, and be able to earn a living, and be able to make a contribution in an area that matters.

So what I normally do is lay out this plan to the woman and then see if she is supportive and helpful and starts to take action to help with that. But I have had some alarming reactions and I want to talk about some of those below.

1) Several women have told me that children can have as much impact for Christ as a ballet dancer or poet as they could as a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or as a President. The part of this objection that I find most alarming is not that it is obviously false, but that my authority to lead, which is secured by my role as provider and saver of money, is being denied. I am still expected to bring savings and income into the family, but without any of the decision making authority about how hard the children should study and what fields they should be steered towards.

For me, the whole point of getting married is to serve the Lord – and if my plans to serve are threatened by marriage, then I will not do it. I would rather use the fortune I have to make donations to individual events than to be married and have those resources wasted on ballet dancers and poets. Further on this point about education and careers, I feel that one of the things that a man struggles with is the fear that his children will not be able to grow up and be prosperous and independent in the world. I especially worry that they will feel pressure to compromise their faith because of financial concerns.

Many people think that there is this Santa Claus in the sky who will magically provide money no matter how reckless they are – but I don’t think God is like that. I think he values stewardship, wisdom and prudence – and that’s what I intend to teach my children. I want my children to have enough money so that they can be independent of the state, and resilient against peer pressure. I see many many people who get degrees in fields where they fall under pressure to adopt viewpoints that are non-Christian simply because of financial concerns. Money matters a lot to keeping your convictions, especially when you get married and have children – it’s something that needs to be planned for.

I am afraid of getting overruled by someone who thinks that the world is a safe place for Christians, or that any field is as good as any other for serving Christ. There is a reason why people know who William Lane Craig and Michele Bachmann are – they have the skills. But what I am seeing from Christian women is that Christianity can be reduced to just reading the Bible, singing in church and praying to hear the voice of their emotions. (Which they call the voice of God) There is no thought being put into how to make children achieve at a high level by setting goals and funneling them into areas that matter.

It’s like Christian women think that the children’s happiness is more authoritative in the family than my knowledge and experience about how to build up children who will retain their faith, maintain their financial independence and have an influence in the world. Often, the women who tell me that the choice of career doesn’t matter are themselves riddled with credit card debt. And the ones who tell me that science apologetics doesn’t matter are the ones whose parents and siblings are becoming apostates after reading Richard Dawkins books. If I am the one who is earning the money and providing the savings up front, then I am the one who should be leading on things like education, careers, jobs and so forth. If I was smart enough to study the right things, to work and to save before I got married, then I shouldn’t be overloaded after the marriage by someone else’s feelings, emotions and desire to be her children’s “friend”.

2) Another concern I have is about how these Christian women are moved by liberal sob stories so that they vote against a strong foreign policy, self-defense, deterrence, capital punishment, and men using force to punish evildoers in general. On the foreign policy front, one woman complained to me that American helicopter gunships had used excessive force by attacking Islamic terrorist infantry with the gunship’s machine gun. Now some of you will have caught on that military issues and platforms are an interest of mine because I am a war gamer. I play military simulations ranging from squad-level infantry combat right up to full-scale carrier strike groups. So I am informed about tactics, strategy, weapons, vehicles and so on.

Anyway, I took a look at the full guncam footage she linked me and read the AARs and noticed that there was a convoy of BLUFOR Humvees coming into range of the OPFOR infantry, and that the OPFOR infantry was armed with RPGs. I asked her to tell me what she thought an RPG could do to a Humvee. She had no idea what an RPG was or what it could do to a Humvee. I explained that RPGs are ROCKETS that explode and it would kill all the occupants of Humvees. It seemed to me that her only reason for complaining about it was that her friends had sent it to her, and she felt pressured to agree with them. She had no understanding of the capabilities of the arms and vehicles at all, yet she felt qualified to make judgments about unnecessary violence. In fact, it became clear that she was taking this position because she thought that it made her look morally superior. She felt “compassion” for the poor Islamic terrorists. It’s so easy to second guess American military forces when you know nothing at all about war in general, or Islamic extremism in the Middle East in particular.

This terrifies me. I do not want to be overruled by someone who makes decisions based on ignorance, emotions, intuitions and peer pressure. This person went on to assure me that shooting terrorists was the same as blowing up busloads of children, and that killing convicted serial killers was the same as killing unborn babies. Because killing is killing, right? That scares me. Who would want to be a passenger in a car with someone who was drunk and color-blind? Not me. It’s hard to consider someone for marriage who can’t see the difference between good and evil or guilt and innocence, but instead tries to lift up evil and bash down good. (Not only was she anti-capital punishment but also anti-self-defense – all without having done a moment’s worth of research on the peer-reviewed studies showing how capital punishment deters crime, and how concealed-carry laws reduce rates of violent crime).

Should I marry someone who is uncomfortable with the male role of making moral judgments and exercising force against evil? Someone who takes positions without knowing anything about the details of what she is talking about? Of course not. No one can be happy married to someone who takes positions on moral issues based on ignorance, emotions, vanity and peer pressure. And some Christian women are unwilling to learn anything about war, or even to come to the firing range to fire a handgun. They have opinions, they make pronouncements about how they will overrule you if you get married to them, they vote to undermine national security and world peace by emboldening aggressors and then they refuse to learn anything about the issues. All they need to know are their feelings. And they vote based on those feelings, not based on studies or history or anything factual.

3) A final example has to do with Christian women embracing socialism because it is “compassionate”. Believe it or not, some women do not really understand the effect of having the government spend more and more money equalizing life outcomes. Most of the Christian women I spoke to had enormous difficulty understanding how single motherhood by choice creates child poverty. They wanted to believe that child poverty was just spilled milk – it just happened, and wasn’t anyone’s fault, and that subsidizing it wouldn’t create more of it.

One Christian pro-life activist wrote to me that she was “great with kids” and was going to have one out of wedlock and raise it with money from the government. This woman never finished college and had not held any sort of serious job. She complained that no men were marrying her (note: this woman was completely irresponsible and penniless and unsuitable for marriage) and blamed the men. I told her that the reason why men were not marrying her was because they were paying a third of their income in taxes and looking at the 1.65 trillion deficits and 14.5 trillion national debt. She said that men didn’t really care about money and numbers and that if they loved her, they would marry her anyway, but they were just selfish lazy cowards. She was willing to inflict fatherlessness and day care on a child, but she was “great with kids”.

Another Christian woman told me that the government should provide free meals to children so that they were all equal regardless of whether their mothers had married or not. I explained that every time that government takes a responsibility away from men, that our household income would go down because of higher taxes, and my job would be put in jeopardy because of government debt. I also explained that the more government does, the less control there is inside the family – like when Christians have to pay for public schools so that all the children will be equal. Equally illiterate and innumerate. Instead of proposing free market solutions to poverty that retain family integrity – like school voucher programs – they always seem to leap to the big government solutions first.

But you can see how this idea of economic equality captures the emotions of some Christian women and they don’t even realize how they are undermining men’s desire and ability to achieve their goals for the marriage. They don’t read economics and they don’t realize that Christian marriage plans cost money. Men need money in order to put their own children through college. Men need money for homeschooling, stay-at-home moms and private schools. And men need money for apologetics books and to take children to apologetics conferences. It’s amazing because this woman expected me to keep her at home as a stay-at-home mom, but she wanted my salary to go to subsidize the single mothers by choice in the next neighborhood over.

That is the level of self-destructive economic ignorance I am seeing from some Christian women. They look at social problems like child poverty, and the only solution they can come up with to these problems is government-controlled redistribution of wealth by a secular government. (Together with all the high unemployment that this deficit spending creates). Why are they so opposed to men and marriage and family? Because they have never taken the time to read even a basic book on economics. Newsflash: free market capitalism is better for the poor than socialism – that’s why the poor are wealthier in the United States than in any other country, and their standard of living has gone up over time.

For example, take health care. I know another Christian woman who complained to me about some poor child of a single mother who could not get treatment for some condition or other. Notice how there was no emphasis on what this single mother chose to study, whether she chose to work, whether she chose to save, or whether she married a good provider. No. The problem is taken as is – as a case of spilled milk and all questions of responsibility and accountability are dismissed. I was asked how capitalism can solve the problem.

Well the first thing to point out is that her solution is to defund the family, grow government, reward irresponsibility, undermine my plan by diminishing the earnings I save that fund my plan. And why? So that she could feel better and see God’s aim of making us all happy achieved. It is very important to understand this point. Women who claim to be Christians may not actually be Christians. If a woman thinks that God’s job is to make his human pets happy, then she is not a Christian at all, but a socialist-to-be, with an unnecessary Santa Claus riding on top of her emotional delusions. These are the people who claim to be opposed to abortion and then vote for single-payer health care which provides… taxpayer-funded abortion. Don’t believe a word of it. No one can be a Christian who is a socialist, and if they don’t know anything about economics, that’s what they are. No matter what a woman says, if her solution to poverty is the secular government taxing your family and your employer, and reducing the family’s earnings and destabilizing the family’s revenue stream, then she does not have a Christian view of family, government and charity. She will undermine your role as provider because she values socialism MORE than she values marriage and family.

Secondly, there are solutions to poverty that are compatible with the Bible and capitalism that she ought to know about, if she had actually done any reading about it. The first thing that should have come into her mind is private charity. If the government has any role at all, it should be to provide tax credits for private charity. It is important for government not to crowd out the virtuous character of the people by taking over the job of helping neighbors. But even more than that, every Christian woman should be familiar with the horrors of socialized medicine in countries like Canada and the UK, and the alternative to socialized medicine – consumer-driven health care. If a woman is not well-read on consumer-driven health care policy, then she is at risk for being taken in by this socialist undermining of the family. Real Christian women choose policy based on economics, not based on their emotions and their ridiculous theology of God making his human pets happy regardless of what they believe about him. Our job as Christians is not primarily to make people have equal net worths regardless of their personal decisions. Our job is to make them know about God’s existence and character, and we can do that better with private charity – certainly better than any secular government can. Your money is your voice. Don’t give it to a SECULAR government that will turn around and enact taxpayer-funded abortion, taxpayer-funded IVF, taxpayer-funded day care, taxpayer-funded fatherlessness welfare, and so on.

And more

I’m going to stop now, but I could go on and on about how some Christian women neglect to study Christian apologetics or theology, but instead learn about trendy secular practices like yoga, vegetarianism, recycling, etc. Or how they think there is no Hell. Or how they think that the Bible was written by men and that they can just pick the verses they like. Or how they think that science is not worth studying to confirm the Bible. Or how they know nothing at all about how premarital sex and cohabitation decrease the stability of marriage. Or how they think that same-sex unions are no different than married couples when comparing stability, domestic violence, promiscuity, and so on. Or how they want to subsidize single motherhood by choice because fathers are not really important to children and can easily be replaced by taxpayer-funded welfare and taxpayer-funded IVF. Or how they think that single-payer payer health care is good, even though it means taxpayer-funded abortion, in practice. Or how they think that taxpayer-funded day care is good for children. Or how they think that public schools need to be funded with more family money, so that all children will be “equal”.

I could go on forever with examples of how woefully unprepared some single Christian women are for marriage. But I’m going to end by explaining what the underlying problem for all of these symptoms is, and then you can leave your comments.


Basically the underlying problem is this: when some Christian women say they want marriage, they actually don’t want marriage at all – not a marriage to a man who is going to take on the traditional male roles anyway. The reason why men work is so that they are the sole or primary breadwinners – so that they have the authority to make decisions and lead in the home. Men want to have children who are self-sufficient and morally upright, and who can have an influence for Christ and his Kingdom. And they know that although the compassion of their wives is useful in the early years of a child’s development, that moral responsibility and accountability are needed later on to change children into adults.

Men need to be providers SO THAT they can be respected as protectors, when they set out moral boundaries and push their children to know truth from lie, right from wrong, and practical from impractical. Men also need to be able to make arguments about theology and apologetics using evidence, and not to be overruled by emotions, intuitions, and even e-mails that are debunked on snopes.com (yes, one woman told me that Splenda was not safe – I sent her 100 peer-reviewed studies from the NCI web site and she responded with a CONSPIRACY E-MAIL that was debunked on snopes.com).

So the real problem is that some Christian women say they want marriage, but what they actually want is a Stepford husband who will perform none of the traditional roles of a man, which they find icky and mean. They want the money to be brought into the home and the wedding to be photographed and the babies to play with, but they don’t want the men to act in the traditional male role of protector, provider and moral/spiritual leader. It is very important for men to get this out there and in the clear during the courting process. And I also really recommend that men avoid sex before marriage, because sex makes you stop caring about male roles and serving God. If you want to serve God by executing a plan, then stay away from premarital sex. I have had to play defense against women trying to push me too far physically when I was not satisfied with them from a Christian point of view. Just say NO.

Please see this post for questions you can ask a woman to verify whether a woman is an authentic Christian. And the most important thing to do is to give her books to read and tasks to perform to see if she is willing to follow your lead. Science apologetics and fiscal conservativism are key. If the person is not talking about the Big Bang, the fine-tuning and biological information, you cannot even be sure she is a Christian – it could all just be emotions and youth. Some women I know just give the name “Christianity” to their feelings of happiness and goodness and pacifism and postmodernism and relativism and socialism and universalism. They do not actually KNOW that there is a Creator and Designer of the universe who raised Jesus from the dead independent of their feelings of happiness and goodness and pacifism and postmodernism and relativism and socialism and universalism. They just think that the world is a place where people feel good and only good things ever happen and they agree with everyone else’s religion so that more people will like them. The thing about Christian women that you need to fear most is this emotional happy-clappy intuition they have that the world is a happy, safe place and that people can do whatever they want and that God’s job, (and later government, as they drift into atheism), is to make everyone happy and prosperous. That is completely incompatible with a marriage designed to serve God.

Note: for those who think I am too critical of Christian women, Michele Bachmann has none of these flaws and I am backing her to be President. So there are Christian women who do know what they are doing, and I would like them to run for President and win. There is nothing in what I wrote that opposes smart, strong women being in control at the very top.

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43 thoughts on “Where are all the Christian women? Are Christian women ready for marriage?”

  1. Pingback: Wintery Knight «
    1. Hello, My name is Mary. I find that when I feel very frustrated with others and that they are not “living up to the standards of Christ” God gently says to me…”I don’t want to talk about them, I want to talk about you…..you and me.” He asks me if I am sinnless so that I can cast stones. With bitter tears and anquish I cried out to God saying ” Men have cheatted on me, given me diseases that are incurable, beaten me, choked me, mentally abused me, held me hostage in cars, taken my only son from me, raped me, abandoned me in the street with nothing but the clothes on my back; after they coerced me into quiting my job to help raise their daughters that i loved as my own flesh and blood. They never even said they were sorry!!! They never cared for me at all…I was just a tool.” God’s response to me was “read 1Corinthians 13. Have you truely been loving by my standards. Have you been kind? Have you had no record of wrongs….” As I read the scripture I truely began to weep, for I saw the depth of my sin against God and man. I realized the issue was never what men were or weren’t doing for me. My real problem….was in fact always me.” Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind. this is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like unto it. Love your neighbor as yourself. This sums up the Law and the prophets.” I’ve stopped asking where all of the Christian men are. I just hope that God will help me be the woman I should be. I figure when God finds me loving enough he will send me the person he has for me. I’m just not ready yet…:)
      many blessings to you in your walk with Christ.

  2. I think it is fine to try and steer your kids in to these fields, but there is no guarantee they are going to have that bent. Also, there is no guarantee you will have 4 kids or any kids. I think it is fine to aspire to these kinds of plans, but ultimately God will direct your life and your kids’ lives.

    My husband and I are both in math/technical fields. We have six children. Two show aptitude for math, two are disabled, two show aptitude in other things. Life doesn’t always turn out the way you plan/expect.

    Just an little opinion — I don’t know a woman (godly or otherwise –especially one who has never had kids) who wouldn’t be intimidated by your whole ‘plan’. It sounds like micro-managing, and not a “we’re building this together”, more of a “this is what *I* want to do, are you on board” type of thing. Hardly welcoming words to a potential wife. From reading your posts, you seem to have good, Godly intentions, but perhaps need to soften your expectations to James 4:13-15. It’s good to have a big picture idea of how you want your life to go, but realize you may need to be flexible when God changes the details. Prov. 16:9

    Keep up the good posts. I read this blog pretty often.

  3. “The reason why men work is so that they are the sole or primary breadwinners – so that they have the authority to make decisions and lead in the home.”

    I would disagree that men have the authority to make decisions for the family BECAUSE they are the primary bread-winners. That would suggest that if a woman happens to make more money than her husband, she is therefore the head of the household. Yet a man can make less than his wife and still lead the family. Further, God has set up the family such that the man is to be the spiritual and moral leader, regardless of his paycheck.

    So I would say that the man is to be the spiritual head of the household per God’s design. I believe a man should also, ideally, be the primary breadwinner. However, he need not think that if he makes less money he must therefore give up control to his wife. Making money does not make one a spiritual leader. However, a man who is leading his family will also be providing for them financially.

    1. Hi Lindsey – thank you for the rather insightful reply.
      Mind if I ask what OT/NT scripture do you have to support what you have written ?

      Btw, you might want to take give the story of David & Abigail as well as the Levitical law of what the role of a husband is as well as a wife. Please feel free to reference NT as well.

      Allow me to suggest that if a man is the spiritual leader – then the provider is G_D no matter what where the income / provision comes from.

      In addition, the head/strength of Christ is the Father, the head/strength of the man is Christ, the head/strength of the woman is man, and the head/strengt of the children is the woman.

      It is not about power nor inferiority nor inequality but about role, function, and order.


      1. I agree that it’s about role and responsibilities, not power or inequality. I believe the Bible has given the role of the man as being the spiritual leader of the home. Thus, that is a role that God has set up, not simply a consequence of making the most money. If “money makes right,” then whoever makes the most money is the boss, whether that’s the man, the woman, or one of the kids. But that isn’t what God says about the family. God says that the woman is to submit to her husband, that husbands are to love their wives and lead their families, and that children are to obey their parents (Ephesians 5 & 6, Titus 2, etc). I see no caveat for when someone makes more money than the father.

        One thing from Scripture that can shed some light on this topic is the Proverbs 31 Woman. She buys a field, plants a vineyard, and sells merchandise. Yet she does all this from home while running the household and so that her husband can become a leader in the community (he sits at the gate with the elders). We aren’t told who brings more income into the family…because it doesn’t matter. The roles wouldn’t change.

        The point is that women can contribute to the family income, but the husband is still the leader of the home. The dollar amount that each brings in is irrelevant. It is the man’s responsibility to see that the family is provided for. Even if he currently makes less money, he should realize that if circumstances change and she can’t work, he must make ends meet because that is his duty. It just isn’t the woman’s reposibility to earn the income like it is for the man. It is the woman’s job to see to the running of the house and care for the children (especially young children). It’s not that a man can never do dishes or sweep the floors, but it isn’t his responsibility to make sure it gets done like it is the woman’s. If a woman can earn some money while still fulfilling her role, good for her. But her primary responsibility of running the house and caring for the children must come first.

        One thing that often causes conflict in marriages is when the woman earns an income and believes that it therefore entitles her to usurp the role of her husband as leader. Realizing that money does not confer a right to lead is the first step to avoiding that problem. It is also useful to realize that husband and wife become one when they marry, meaning that there can be no “yours” and “mine” with their possessions. Whoever makes the money, it becomes both of theirs equally.

  4. I think you have to add that you cannot marry Democrat women. It’s not enough that they are Christian. That really means nothing, since that could mean anything. As this election showed, they are incapable of thinking about their family, or the perspective of men. They overwhelmingly chose to back candidates that are statists. To marry one would be to undermine your family and everything you work for.

      1. Against all single women, or just those who think that their sex life is more important than the health of the nation?

  5. You, sir, seem to have a knack for attracting the wrong type of women.

    Like attracts like, wouldn’t you agree? The content in this post is throuroughly disgraceful to women, and puts Christian men to shame. Thank you for emphasizing the gospel of Christ, by the way. Since there was no mention of that, I assume that that is not a criteria for you: to have a Christian woman who has been washed and restored by the good news of Jesus. I promise you, you will know a God-fearing woman by her love and obedience to the Savior who died for her.

    Also, God is glorified just as beautifully through dance, painting, writing, and working in a top law firm. It is not a matter of money and separation from a culture that is in desparate need of the gospel and Jesus, it is a matter of the saints’ hearts as they further God’s Kingdom via the gifts and abilities and talents that God has endowed to all His children.

    THAT is what those women are most likely trying to articulate. It does not matter WHAT my children pursue, as long as they seek to glorify God, and run hard after Him with all of their hearts, minds, and strengths NO MATTER what those strengths may be.

    Think on that.

    A Christian woman

    1. I think that for many women, happiness and ease are more important than serving God effectively. My courting practices are designed to detect women who put their own happiness and ease above serving God effectively. I detect women who are informed and who want to do what works. The others I leave behind.

  6. Your goals for your kids are wrong-headed. Simply pray and fast every day that you kids follow God’s path. Nothing more, nothing less.

    What if God called one of your kids to be a missionary somewhere far away, who gets no name recognition, slaves with his family serving people far away and dies there to no publicity?

    What if God wanted one of your children to be a prodigal? To serve as an example to his/her siblings? Only to find the true taste of grace later in life? And here is the rub … to serve as a rebuke to your “lawful” other children who haven’t tasted grace yet?

    1. Yes, my courtship process is designed to detect people who hold your view so that I can reject them. I would not sacrifice $250,000 per child so that someone who wants to float aimlessly through life can play house using my money. That’s not what marriage is for. Marriage is to serve God, not the woman’s feelings.

  7. “The part of this objection that I find most alarming is not that it is obviously false, but that my authority to lead, which is secured by my role as provider and saver of money, is being denied. I am still expected to bring savings and income into the family, but without any of the decision making authority about how hard the children should study and what fields they should be steered towards.”

    This paragraph is strongly exaggerated. Women who tell you they don’t mind your daughter being a ballet dancer are simply saying that God can use all people in whatever profession they choose. They are not *denying* you anything except the right to make all the rules without their input. If you reread that paragraph through a woman’s eyes, you should see why it upsets my friends.

    You come across as regarding any sort of differing opinion on your decisions as denying you the right to make those decisions. You seem to want to run a dictatorship. I don’t know any woman who would go for that. It’s scary.

    I’ve only responded to the parts of the post that I’ve read.

    1. “Women who tell you they don’t mind your daughter being a ballet dancer are simply saying that God can use all people in whatever profession they choose. ”

      I think that this is a very popular view among Christian women – they are taught things like this by pastors and in Christian literature. And what I am saying is that I am not going to sacrifice half a million dollars on two kids who will be influenced by this viewpoint. My objective in courting women is to detect this view and then reject the person who holds it. And I do this because I want to serve God more, not less.

      Anyone who says “God can use people equally no matter what they do” is immediately disqualified as a wife and mother, in much the same way as I would disqualify someone who supported abortion or gay marriage. They are unfit for the roles of wife and mother. They aren’t serious about making the marriage count for God, but instead are thinking of escaping from obligations and feeling happy. They want the marriage to serve the woman, and not God.

      1. Watch your qualifiers, WK. I didn’t say that God can use all people *equally* regardless of their profession. I simply said that He can use them. So a child who is a ballet dancer is not automatically a waste. She might not lead as many people to Christ as Craig, but not every body can be the hands. She will be useful nonetheless.

        I wouldn’t recommend the profession, but it is not the worst thing in the world if your daughter wants it.

        The most important problem with your words is not your view of dancing, but the tone in whoch it is said. Remember, being a leader requires you to understand the views of the other person and care enough to allow them input in the decision making process.

        1. I added that to be contrary, but I do apologize for doing so. I knew I was being mean when I did it, but I thought “it’s fun to be mean to Tracy, this will teach her a lesson”.

          Anyway, here’s the deal. I am male. Being male means that you have a goal of making sure that your children can make their way in the world when you are gone and in the ground. I am looking for a wife who understands what men want for their children. Most Christian women are very impractical and emotional, and they do not recognize or respect this need/goal that men have. It is important for me, given the massive tax rates, government regulations on families and parenting, cost of raising a child, etc., that at least my wife thinks that my needs and values and leadership are important. Am I making sense here?

          1. You’re making a lot of sense but I need one thing to be clarified. By “It is important for me… that at least my wife thinks that my needs and values and leadership are important.” do you mean that she accept unconditionally your plans for her and her children? What exactly would you accept as evidence of her regard for you?

            Also, perhaps you should consider being less assertive about your plans. Like I said before, they’re not just intimidating. They’re right out scary. Instead of saying “My wife must do this, this and that and my children must do that or else…” Try being more suggestive. Say “Would it not be better for our children if they had a better income than ballet provides?” or “Why are you opposed to leading our children towards cosmology”.

            That’s kinder and gentler – things you need as a leader.

          2. Meh. I offer a lot. If women want to settle for less, let them. We just had an election where 67% of unmarried women voted for free birth control pills and free abortions and gay marriage. I realize most single women don’t want to be led by a man, even if they choose him. They don’t want to respect a man. That’s fine – I can just avoid marrying women who don’t want to be led. I am understanding a lot about single women from these elections. They don’t want to be led by a man, they want men to pay for their birth control pills and abortions and they want children to be raised by single mothers and gay couples. When I meet a single woman, I assume that she holds those views, even if she denies it. And I won’t believe that she doesn’t hold those views until I see the evidence of it in her record and actions. There is a two-thirds chance that a single woman thinks that it is OK to abort a child because it is the wrong sex – and that I should have to pay for it. That’s what most single women are really like. That’s what they want. That’s what they believe. And if I am going to get married, I have to make sure that I don’t marry that.

            I think it is interesting that almost no women hold other women accountable for these sorts of views. Instead, I am told by everyone that I need to change, and lower my standards. I am the one who has to change. I am the one who has to just go ahead and get married to make a woman who has no respect for me happy.

          3. Right. With that attitude, you’re going to drive away the good women along with the bad ones. You do know why gentleness is important, right?

          4. Wintery,

            I agree with much of your assessment of single women these days. However, I would like to point out a few things about good women which I hope you know, and if you don’t sit up and pay attention.

            While you no doubt would bring much to the marriage table (espcially financially, if I understand you correctly), there are things a women looks for (yes, good women too) besides money and Christian character and knowledge. A woman needs to feel safe with the man she marries. Safe from outsiders who would hurt her, yes. But more importantly, she needs to feel that her heart is safe, that it will be treasured and protected. She needs a man to listen to her and still love her, even if he disagrees with her. It is one of the deepest needs for a woman to feel cherished by her man. It’s like respect is to men. Men need to feel respected in order to feel love. Women need to feel safe and protected emotionally in order to feel loved. We women do have more fragile emotions and that’s a design that God planned for us. It makes us better nurturers. Not all women are slaves to their emotions, but all of us have more sensitive emotions than the average man and we need to know that our opinions, fears, and insecurities will be listened to, taken seriously, and that none of this will cause our husband to reject, belittle, or look down on us. Until that deepest need of our hearts is met, we care little for money or other assets that a man may have. Just as you would never marry a woman who had all the right attributes, but failed to respect you, no good woman will marry a man who has all the right attributes, but fails to make her feel cherished.

            With that in mind, consider developing (and demonstrating to potential wives) the trait of gentleness. There may be a lot of bad women, but there are also many women out there who would be thrilled to find a strong Christian man capable of leading and providing for a family. But they will fear to submit to a man whose idea of leadership is to become a mini-dictator (or who they think may tend in that direction). A real leader inspires confidence by proving himself capable to make good decisions AND by proving the ability to properly care for those who follow him. Proving the latter (with regard to marriage) includes demonstrating gentleness and the ability to protect a woman’s more fragile emotions.

        2. The thing is, a person doesn’t have to do amazing things for God with their job. They can always do amazing things in their private life. As just one example, I am pretty sure that Wintery Knight doesn’t make much money off this blog. But Wintery, if you don’t want your money spent on unproductive pursuits then just set it aside in an account separate from all marriage funds, and tell your wife and kids that they can only have it under the conditions you set. If they want poetry, fine, but they just can’t have any of your stash.

          1. Drew, I think that is a very good compromise. The thing is that there are competent Christians who need help now to achieve rally good goals, and so I don’t want to get involved in a marriage that is going to take away from being able to help with that.

          2. I think it’s hard enough for any given Christian man to find a woman who believes in Jesus, is reasonably good-looking, is sexually undefiled, and does not vote for abortion or socialism. I personally think that it is unwise to pile a bunch of extra conditions on top of all that. Regardless of what you or your potential wife want, you can’t really force a child to take your precise path. Generally, I think it’s hard enough just to make sure they get high grades, stay off drugs, don’t delve into any dumb ideas like Calvinism or socialism, etc.

  8. You can always set standards for your children and lead them to obey God, but at the end of the day, their steps are ordered by the Lord, and not their earthly father. Teaching children to obey God in all things is paramount; setting up specific paths that you’ve determined are best for them (before they’re even born! and before you know whether they have the aptitude for them) is not.

    Also, it’s for God to determine how best someone glorifies Him; and it’s not for us to decide that a person in one vocation is more important than a person in another. That is certainly not a godly or Scriptural perspective, and I’m not trying to be harsh, but such an idea certainly did not come from God. This is why Jesus said that the last will be first and the first will be last. If someone becomes a gardener and lives a truly holy life, sharing the Gospel, and serving others, no one is to come behind and say that their life has not been as significant as someone who is a banker or a lawyer.

    Many parents who decide to order every aspect of their children’s lives discover that it can often create rebellion and actually denigrate the children’s respect for them rather than grow it. Moreover, if you disparage what is a passion of your children’s (say, creative writing), it will only breed resentment. So, that’s a gentle caution.

    I would have to ask, What do you think a woman as such brings to the table? You’ve said that you have a lot to offer. But certainly the Lord created women with unique gifts that you as a man do not have. Is it possible that you might have something to learn from women who question your stances on certain things? Leadership is about taking the initiative, not assuming that you’re always 100% correct.

    I would imagine that for a thinking woman, you might easily insult her intelligence by assuming that if she doesn’t see things your way, that she must be unlearned. Just as an occasional passerby, I can guarantee that I’m very familiar with pretty much all of the subjects you mention; but that doesn’t mean that I agree with every conclusion that you draw. Clearly individuals who marry have to be compatible values-wise, but if what you want is a thinking, reflective woman, then you’ll have to be prepared for the possibility that she is not going to see it your way all the time, and not lose respect for her because of it, or feel like simply by exercising independent thought that she’s threatening your leadership.

    1. All your comment shows is how some women express their desire to not respect husbands or submit to husbands in mystical religious language. What you really mean is this “I don’t want to do what a man says no matter how much more he knows, because my emotions are more important than truth or knowledge.” What you mean by saying that “God only knows X” is that I don’t know. And because I don’t know, I shouldn’t be able to set goals or have any authority to lead. Nor should I be allowed to prefer a woman who accepts my authority to lead above one who refuses to accept my authority to lead. That’s the bottom line.

      It’s not that you have a better plan to produce influential children that you want to convince me of, and arguments and evidence to persuade me that your goals are more influential. It’s that you want to deny my plan and substitute NO PLAN, and then invoke God in order to establish that. You want children to do whatever they want and say that whatever they want to do is as influential and effective as what I want them to do. Because you think that I don’t know anything about what the church needs, what the university needs, and what the public square needs, and that I have no right to lead my children to be influential in those areas for the Lord’s sake. And you think that a child who focuses on creative writing (writing fiction!) will be as influential and prosperous as one who focuses on petroleum engineering or economics or experimental science. And you dress up your desire to substitute your agenda for mine in religious language by saying that your view is God’s will and mine isn’t.

      Regarding your comment that you know about the things that I would ask about. In my experience, people who say that have not been able to answer the most basic questions that I ask about. So we are at a stalemate. You think that you could answer me, and I think you couldn’t. The only way to find out is for me to ask you specific questions in a situation where you have to answer without looking anything up online or in your library. But I assert that that in my experience, the vast majority of Christian women I have met are reading Harry Potter and C.S. Lewis and Stephanie Meyer and not Stephen Meyer and Thomas Sowell and William Lane Craig. And I mean 99.99% of Christian women.

      1. Wintery! Your whole response caricatures her arguments. Are you being deliberately uncharitable or is something else wrong?

      2. Her point about causing children to rebel I definitely agree with. I doubt that your style would cause them all to rebel, but probably a percentage of them. So you would need to have at least one extra kid, to take into account that at least one of them is going to start smoking pot and get into ballet dancing or something.

        1. LOL! Don’t worry, if I am really trying to influence someone, I am good at getting results. Setting up boundaries has to be tough, and then when you are doing 1-to-1 mentoring, it’s soft and gentle.

      3. Sorry for the late interruption, I was just wondering, because this is what I perceive from the sentence “the vast majority of Christian women I have met are reading … C.S. Lewis …and not Stephen Meyer and Thomas Sowell and William Lane Craig.”, but do you believe that C.S. Lewis was not an effective/serious apologist/philosopher/academic?

        1. It depends which book you’re reading. A lot of his stuff like Narnia and Mere Christianity is good for teens – to get them thinking. Miracles, The Abolition of Man, and the like are good for grown-ups.

  9. Wintery, having read most of your replies on this comment thread, I keep noticing something. You are emphasizing over and over how these women won’t submit or respect you, etc., etc. I think you are also missing the other half of the picture — husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it. Has it occurred to you that you may have to make some sacrifices? Or is it all about your plans for your and your kids’ future?

    By no means am I suggesting marrying some woman who doesn’t respect you or share your goals — but in all this you seem to de-emphasize the nature of sacrificial love. It involves more than providing for your family financially. By all means have plans, but realize God may have different, better ones than you. If a woman objects to your ‘plan’ it doesn’t mean she is being emotional and not using her brain. Jesus used all kinds of people to glorify Himself: scribes, tentmakers, fisherman, tax collectors, writers, philosophers, bakers, kings, slaves, etc. Colossians 3:17 comes to mind.

    I think I’d be more interested in a woman reading her BIble faithfully than reading William Lane Craig *or* CS Lewis (or any any of the others) Clearly, you are frustrated by not meeting (yet) the woman you have in mind. Be sure you are taking time to examine yourself as well — being a good Godly husband involves more than being a good provider or a good planner. You also need to be cultivating the fruit of the Spirit in your life, not just accumulating knowledge for good theological arguments. Gentleness is just as important as self-control. Good luck, and I will be praying for you.

  10. What I’ve learned is that life can mess up one’s best-laid plans. I live with a number of shattered hopes and dreams, despite much prayer.

    About careers: We encouraged our sons to follow study and career paths that matched their abilities and their interests, so they wouldn’t be stuck in a career they’d find they hate. One son is ADHD and non-academic, so he pursued a technical qualification. Not everyone is geared to be an academic and a professional.

    Since I came to know the Lord after our sons were born, and my husband is an atheist, I ended up being the moral and spiritual leader and trainer in the home. Once our sons reached their teens, they were not so receptive, so I prayed for them and trusted also that the foundations I’d sown into their lives would remain firm. I used to play Focus on the Family, apologetics and sermon/ Bible-teaching tapes in the car, so they still got some input in addition to church. They are now in their mid- to late 20s. Despite all my moral and spiritual input and prayer, one turned away from the Lord when he left home and is now an anti-theist, one is lukewarm, and one, an introvert, has what one might call a quiet faith. The spiritually tepid ADHD one blames me, rather than their atheist father, for the apostasy of his brother, saying that I “pushed him too hard” (I happen to know there was a moral issue) and uses this against me when I try to encourage him to participate in e.g. a Bible study, since he’s never even read the Bible.

    Therefore I continually pray for the Lord to work in my sons lives, to enable them to become the men they need to be in order to be godly husbands and fathers, and I am praying for the Lord to prepare a wife for each of them, a woman who knows and loves the Lord, who will be a good, loving wife and mother. Why do I have such “low” standards, you would say? I grew up with a manipulative, bitter and controlling mother who loved me conditionally, so my home background was toxic. My dream was to have a loving, happy family, which I’d never had, but this plan unravelled seriously when I started a family and my own long-buried issues manifested. I also learned I was not in control of my life, and (although I didn’t realise it at the time) the Lord used this situation to draw me to himself. The Lord had to deal with a lot of issues in my life after I came to know him. I also had an additional new desire, namely for my husband and sons to come to know and love the Lord wholeheartedly, but over 20 years down the line, this hasn’t happened. Let me tell you again, life does not turn out the way one would like it to.

    One thing I would caution on, is to watch out for a spirit of domination and control, the “lord and master” syndrome. A good leader is not a controller, but rather inspires people to follow him, which is what Jesus did. I know enough women who’ve been married to domineering men who abused them emotionally. Because the Gospel often impacts the lives of those who have been hurt, the church is full of damaged people, especially men, from toxic backgrounds who have never faced, dealt with and found healing for their deep issues (which is why one also encounters the problem of spiritual abuse by some church leaders). It takes two emotionally and psychologically whole people to build a stable, loving marriage and family.
    Just some food for thought…

  11. Hi Wintry

    Well, I don’t know where to start! Firstly I think your enthusiasm for following the Lord needs to be totally commended and I really do think that the passion and commitment you demonstrate towards Him should be and doubtless is demonstrated in every detail of your day to day life following Him in closeness and obedience, delighting in Him and submitting to His every nuance and wish, to the nth degree. I would really encourage you to do this, more and even more, as I know He will draw you closer and closer. I think this degree of closeness is even part of your calling from Him and I suggest you are not only called but also chosen. If you read John’s gospel chapters 14-17 carefully you will learn to find a deep communion with Him that is rarely found. I think you have the personality type to go really deep with God.

    Secondly I can tell you that out there in your future will be the woman for you. Maybe not right now, but God will bring her along in His good time and you can rest in that assurance of His love for you. She is and will be your perfect mate, partner, helpmeet and friend and the only criteria I would dare to offer would be to try to marry someone who is closer to the Lord than you are, in your view.

    Thirdly and slightly more controversially, don’t diss all women because you’ve chatted with a few. I don’t dismiss all men because I’ve met a few who I don’t agree with! I have been a Christian for 25 years or more, I have also got a 2.1 degree from Cambridge, England in Physics and Theoretical Physics and I have done a year in Kenya as a missionary. I could argue particle physics with you or help you run an Alpha course or debate the details of Daniel’s dreams or Paul’s prayers. I can speak in tongues or prophesy, I can calm down children or teach school physics, math or chemistry. I can get on with Americans, Chinese and Brits. I can get by in French, German and Swahili. I can listen to your dreams and then challenge you with the depths of His love for me, and incidentally also His immense love for you. I can show you the man Jesus in His brown skin, black hair and sparkling eyes, the man who wouldn’t be apparent in a crowd because there was nothing in Him to make us desire Him by His appearance. I can show you Him in His glory on the sea of ice above the four wheels within wheels and the living creatures of ox, eagle, lion and man. I can paint these for you or I can relate them to the Four Gospels and link this to your personality type.

    Most of this I could have done before I was married (sorry I’m not available). The only question I asked about getting married was ‘who is the name in my heart, Lord?’, and I didn’t ask that of the man who was raising the questiony And I actually saw marriage in a rather uncomplimentary way at that time, as a type of dying to self because I would no longer be independent but part of some new whole and never a single one but only a half…leading to a lack of choice over my life…as I said, a kind of death, worked out daily. In the same way as I die daily in my life in Christ, so that I no longer live but Christ lives in me, so also I die that the new We might live together in oneness, in unity. I see it now as walking together in the Lord. If we disagree, we talk and pray until we are in agreement. If one of us pushes the other into something, it generally doesn’t work.

    As I said, you have a gift of passion in your heart for The Lord, use that to walk His ways as closely as you can, waiting for the girl who is right for you and don’t assume anything except that it will be a fabulous adventure needing tons and tons of faith, love, mercy and grace! Enjoy the ride!

    Ambling Saint

  12. Every woman in my church complains that there are no Christian men in the church. I attend a small church with under 100 people.

    There are about twenty five of us guys who are single, and about twenty of us who have never been married. Most of us fall between the ages of 29-40

    What the women mean is: there are no single HOT Christian men who look like Jude Law, have a six figure income, own two homes, drive a new car, have enough money to take me on an exotic vacation, raise my children (If I have any) and I don’t have to do ANYTHING because the Bible says men are providers. That’s it.

    Most of us have given up asking in church….first of all it makes us look like creeps, secondly….some of these women are not models of youth themselves, and lastly….we want a woman who puts God first.

    None of us have seen that

    1. “What the women mean is: there are no single HOT Christian men who look like Jude Law, have a six figure income, own two homes, drive a new car, have enough money to take me on an exotic vacation, raise my children (If I have any) and I don’t have to do ANYTHING because the Bible says men are providers. That’s it.”

      That’s it exactly.

  13. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I do not agree with a fair amount of your positions, however I do not disagree on everything. I’m reading your blog because I would like to have as balanced a stance as possible, and I can’t do that by only reading things I agree with.

    I see that you have one well-known example of a woman who knows what she’s doing, and several personal examples of women who have it very wrong. I would agree with your opinion of these women. It just appears to me that these personal stories, which I cannot research to find other opinions and perspectives since they are personal stories, are the basis for many if your broad generalizations about women. I could tell you many personal stories about women who are not emotional socialists. They would be true, but would convince you of nothing. This is the problem I am having with your generalizations.

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