Advice for single women struggling to get a man to commit

Here’s Cassy writing about it at PJ Media.


So every single guy you start dating ends up being a jerk, huh? They cheat on you, they cut and run after just a few weeks, or after a few promising months they announce that they’re not ready for a relationship. So you sit there and bemoan your poor, pitiful dating life and wonder why – why? – you can’t meet any good guys.

Well, here’s the thing: you do meet good guys. And then you go on to ignore them in favor of the bad boy who has a reputation, because you just know that the magic of your love will change him. Or you refuse to take a look in the mirror to figure out why every guy you date runs away as fast as his feet can take him. You come on too strong, you’re too clingy, you’re too needy. Heck, maybe it’s all of the above.

If every single guy that you date ends up being someone that you label as a jerk and a heartbreaker, well, the problem isn’t everybody else. You can lie to yourself and say that you just can’t meet any good guys, but they’re out there all right. You just ignore them, put them in the “friend zone,” or scare them away with your psychotic, desperate behavior.

And more:

Guy and girl meet. They exchange numbers, go on a date or two, and really hit it off. Sparks are flying, guy says all the right things, and girl thinks he might be the one. So what does she do? She hops into bed with him, thinking that sex will seal the deal… and their budding romance will turn into a full-blown exclusive relationship. Unfortunately for girl, guy is just happy to score, and that magical night of passion will do absolutely nothing to convince guy to stick around. Now he’s even more likely to bolt, having already gotten what he wants out of her. Meanwhile, she’s telling herself that having sex with him after two dates was totally a good idea, because he liked her so much.

In reality, having sex with a guy right away is never a good idea. You don’t need to sleep with someone in order to make your bond stronger. If you do have this amazing connection, then you don’t need sex to solidify it. And if he’s any kind of decent man who is actually interested in you, then he’ll wait anyway.

Stuart Schneiderman adds this:

Fiano’s advice might seem redundant, but as long as so many women get hurt in bad relationships, it’s worth examining her observations.

Given the anguish that attends a failed relationship, it makes sense that women have devised a series of face-saving explanations.

All begin with the staple: all men are jerks.

Fiano responds that perhaps all the men you are choosing are jerks, but if that is the case, then you are choosing the wrong men.

There are good men out there. Unfortunately, women who have followed the modern dating plan are more likely to go with their hearts and guts than with their heads.

If they have involved themselves in hookups or friends with benefits relationships they have been traumatized to the point where they continue to be attracted to the same kind of man, over and over again.

Women who have suffered a series of relationship failures have learned how to deal with relationship failure. They have not, however, learned how to conduct a successful relationship.

Women rationalize their bad decision by saying, Fiano suggests, that their love can transform a man from a frog into a prince.

It cannot.

Get over yourself.

I’ve blogged before about how many single women choose men based on shallow criteria, especially appearance – and also about how many single women rely too much on their emotions instead of studying male roles and choosing the right man for the job. Single women often believe that they can change a bad, but attractive, man into a good man by giving him recreational premarital sex. They actually think that it is easier to convert a bad man with sex than to pick a good man and give him respect – but it doesn’t work, as I explained before. They are looking to control a man without having to respect him or serve him. This early sex practice does not work: early sex ruins the quality of the relationship.

Stuart ends his post with this:

Women should ask themselves how they could have believed that men would find them more attractive if they were strong, independent feminists.
Women should ask themselves who told them. 
It wasn’t men. In fact, today’s modern woman has been trained not to listen to men or to respect men.
They reaping what they and their feminist handlers sowed.

Men love to have someone intelligent and experienced as a companion, but that woman has to be willing to help them achieve their goals by following the man’s lead. Men have a need to lead. They absolutely need to be respected as leaders. What I have found is that you cannot even get most single women today to read anything harder than C.S. Lewis these days – they are not willing to follow you even when you are grooming them to be effective wives and mothers – to raise quality children and to impact the university, the church and the public square.

Most single women want happiness – they don’t want a man to lead them – not even to lead them into effective influence for the Lord Jesus’ sake. It’s amazing. 20 years of church, and few Christian women (in my experience) have the desire to let a man lead them to serve God more effectively. They just don’t care. They just read Harry Potter. They just want to travel. They just want to have a good time. The pastors never tell single women anything to counteract the feminism.

Send Cassy’s article far and wide! Maybe we’ll save the culture from the ravages of radical feminism. Maybe more children will grow up with a mother and a father.

6 thoughts on “Advice for single women struggling to get a man to commit”

  1. I didn’t date until I was 24 because I was looking for something particular in a man: a Godly character, a desire to lead and provide for a family, and the knowledge and maturity to make informed and wise decisions in a role of husband and father. It took me that long to find one.

    When I found a man that seemed a promising candidate (we met at a Creation Research Conference and he could speak intelligently on a variety of topics and was chivalrous to me), I began emailing him and we talked about our backgrounds, Christian faith, and various other things like creation science. After a few weeks, he asked me out and my response was that I was interested, but would like to know up front what his intentions were as I had no desire to engage in a romantic relationship just for fun. I was only interested in determining compatibility for the sake of marriage. He was thrilled at my response and agreed that we would be purposefully dating with marriage in mind.

    So, we went on our first date. After the first date, I sent him a long list of questions (kind of like an interview) on a lot of topics such as marriage (including roles within marriage), children, church involvement, and goals in life. We both answered all the questions and found that we were compatible (i.e. very similar) on every issue. Thus, we continued our relationship with a solid knowledge up front that we were compatible on major issues without the distraction of emotional ties.

    We knew within 2 months of dating that we we going to get married, but had to wait several more months before we could marry. We’ve been married for 2-1/2 years now, have a baby, and are still crazy in love. But we started first by determining compatibility on important issues and that, I believe, is what has kept us so close and helped us work as a team to accomplish things we never could have done alone.

    I highly recommend that more people follow the path we followed. It doesn’t sound as romantic to begin with the tough questions rather than “chemistry” (although it really is more romantic to have someone who is really committed to you, not trying to use you). And, yes, having such a standard of who you will date will reduce the number of dates you have. But if you want a marriage that will last and will glorify God, don’t follow the flashy-ness of the world’s ideas. You’ll only crash and burn over and over.


  2. Just curious, here. Is there still time to vote where you are? The thing at the top says there is. I know Arizona has a strange time zone, but I wasn’t aware there was that much of a lag. :)


  3. I have a lot of respect for Cassy, but will point out that the ONLY women who ever say “He’s not intimidated by your education/job/paycheck/brains” are, like Cassy, employed in pink-collar occupations. (Cassy is, by profession, a nursery school teacher, IIRC.)

    I’ve had men say to my face that they are intimidated by me and my career. Other woman friends have heard the same. Cassy doesn’t “get it” because she is in a 100% un-intimidating profession. It’s one that does a lot of good and shows what a big heart she has, but gives her zero perspective about how high-powered women fare. (Hint: it’s REALLY easy to weed out beta males.)


  4. i am a straight man that can easily commit to just one woman, especially after my wife of fifteen years cheated on me. there are certainly not that many good women like there was years ago, when they were very committed to their men, and they didn’t have to be rich either. for me, going out all over again really stinks. it is like a game that the women seem to be playing, and it is very difficult nowadays to start a conversation with the one that i would like to meet. i am a serious down to earth man that is hoping to find love again, and years ago women were much easier too meet. i was very happily married at the time knowing what i had at home and didn’t have to go out looking for it anymore like now. many women these days do seem to have an attitude problem, which makes it worse too.


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