In which I blame the coffee manufacturer for making bad coffee

This morning, I was contemplating whether to go downstairs and buy a cup of coffee for $1.25 from the coffee shop on the first floor, or whether to take a cup of free coffee from the kitchen on the 4th floor where I work. I like to have things that are free because then I do not have to work for them. Besides, I can spend more time watching TV if I don’t work as hard to buy the pay-coffee.

I was pretty sure that coffee that is sold by the small business on the first floor for profit would taste the same as coffee that is based on a community of coffee drinkers on our floor who just contribute whatever they want to out of the goodness of their hearts. To tell you the truth, it’s not something I really want to put that much thought into, I just expected that the world would conform to my intuitions and emotions.

So I snuck into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of the free coffee and snuck out again. I skulked back to my desk and sat down to drink the free coffee.

Imagine my horror at finding out that free coffee tastes like raw sewage!

Imagine! Free coffee doesn’t taste as good as coffee you have to pay for! How unfair! I hate this coffee! It’s weak! It’s cowardly! It’s lazy! It isn’t meeting my needs and expectations! It isn’t making me happy! It’s to blame for all of my problems! I want to sue this coffee manufacturer in court! I want everyone to condemn them! I demand justice! This coffee is to blame for my tires being underinflated! This coffee is to blame for me not going to the gym! Why is this coffee judging me? Why am I being marginalized and excluded?

Why, oh, why did God make coffee that is so bad? How could a loving God allow me to suffer from this bad coffee that I freely chose instead of pay-coffee? Shouldn’t God give me free coffee that doesn’t taste like sewage? Oh, woe is me! Why doesn’t anyone care about my needs? Why do other rich people have coffee that tastes good, and not me? Why are all my friends drinking good coffee, while I am forced by evil corporations to settle for sewage coffee? We should have a government-run social program to provide me with good coffee for free!

Do you know what I should do? I’ll tell you. I should take control of this coffee corporation. I should force them to give me free coffee for the rest of my life! After all, they are to blame for making the bad coffee. I shouldn’t have to pay for coffee! It’s my right! I have a right to the same coffee as people who go further away and who work hard and who pay for their coffee! I’m being discriminated against! There is no way that I should have to be. There is nothing that I should have to do. I should just get all the goodies in life and never have to give anything back to anyone, if I don’t feel like it.

Do you know what would be really good? A faucet that poured hot coffee with Splenda and cream. I think i’ll go see if we have that in the kitchen. I know we have water, so how hard can it be to get hot coffee with cream and Splenda, too?

Hey, I wonder if I could also get free back rubs? And free candy? I like candy! So I should get candy, too, right?

11 thoughts on “In which I blame the coffee manufacturer for making bad coffee”

  1. Wait … you don’t already have free coffee spigots and back rubs? What kind of totalitarian company do you work for??!! I’m just offended that I have to decide for myself how much creamer to put in my coffee. Oh, the humanity!


    1. Actually, I feel pretty guilty about writing it. I have a friend and she is concerned that I am too judgmental, just because I think that people who make bad decisions should be held accountable. I think that there is some concern on her part that if I make moral judgments, that I may reject her. But the purpose of making moral judgments isn’t to condemn, it’s to set out boundaries. You have to state the boundaries to prevent the damage. If someone is really sorry, and wants to change, then you give them compassion. And I do that, and she knows it. It’s so strange that sticking up for the moral law makes some people trust you LESS, because they are afraid you’ll reject them.


      1. I wouldn’t feel guilty in the least about a post like this. But then again, something as sarcastic as this is right up my alley. I’m usually far more sarcastic in my responses to some of the lunacy that people tend to believe in. It gets awfully hard to “respond in love” to every single thing all the time, and so I have to try and reign myself in sometimes before I get out of hand.

        But this is nothing. You’re bang on the mark.


  2. you’re hilarious. and for real, this is not a bad depiction of the situation we’re in.. when I was younger, I had difficulty understanding what the big deal was and what liberals are passionate about and what conservatives are passionate about, but, if I had read this, it would’ve helped. haha.


  3. Ironically, I thought this was going to be a segway into how “Free Health care” can’t possibly be as good as private health care…


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