Is marriage boring? Why are some women bored by marriage?

In this post, when I refer to women, I am referring to young, unmarried women under the age of 35 who have been influenced by feminism to reject goal-directed marriage.

My pastor gave a sermon recently where he talked about 2 Tim 2:3, and he emphasized that in order to be useful for God, you have to be willing to “flee from youthful lusts”.

2 Tim 2:20-23:

20 Now in a large house there are not only gold and silver vessels, but also vessels of wood and of earthenware, and some to honor and some to dishonor.

21 Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from these things, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified, useful to the Master, prepared for every good work.

22 Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

23 But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels.

The pastor asked everyone to consider what they were like when they were young, but not to yell it out for everyone to hear. Then he listed out some of the characteristics of youth. They are impractical. They are thrill-seekers. They are self-centered. They want to pursue selfish pleasures. They want to be the center of attention.

My marriage plan is boring

As I was listening to the sermon, it reminded me of my experiences dealing with Christian women in campus clubs and churches. My approach with Christian women was always to lay out my plans, and then explain what I had already done to prepare for those plans, and then ask them to build skills in a mentoring relationship with me, while deciding whether we were compatible for marriage. It’s understood that I am presenting a complementarian plan here, that I would be the leader of the marriage and family. The customer of the marriage would of course be God, and not my wife or I, nor the children.

Let’s just quickly review what I would tell them and see if it’s boring or not.

So here’s the plan:

  1. Influence the church with apologetics (teach apologetics classes, bring in speakers, organize conferences, etc.)
  2. Influence the university with apologetics (support campus clubs, bring in speakers, organize conferences, open house to students, etc.)
  3. Influence the public square (advocate for pro-family policies, lower taxes, smaller government, religious liberty, peace through strength, etc.)
  4. Raise effective and influential children who are excellent students and who are motivated to enter fields that matter and earn PhDs.

And here are some things I learned over the years from presenting this plan to marriage candidates.

Red flags when choosing a candidate

I really recommend that if you are looking for a wife, you should prefer to interview women who did not have a “wild” period of drinking, hooking up and cohabitation with atheists. Chastity really does matter – even if the woman became unchaste as a non-Christian before returning to Christianity, it will affect her ability to trust you, be vulnerable to you, let you lead her, be content with marriage and family, and in some cases to even remain faithful to you. In my experience the damage done from recreational premarital sex is still detectable after the conversion, and the women involved are unable to articulate why what they did was wrong, and what has been lost. In short, they are not remorseful.

Make sure she has done hard things in her life that have taught her that objective reality trumps her feelings and intuitions. You should prefer a woman with a STEM degree or a trade certification, no student loans, a job related to her degree, savings of her own – and someone who is not still living at home at age 30. If you want to put God first in the marriage, then you want to avoid someone who wants to redirect your time and money to fun and thrill-seeking.

You need to find a woman who is not “bored” by the duties and challenges of being a wife and mother. And you need to make sure to stress her with challenges during the courtship to make sure that she understands that marriage is about serving God, not about serving herself. When a woman has made all of her decisions using her emotions, and has achieved nothing, it does not bode well for her ability to make plans, stick to plans and achieve goals. It also does not help her to respect your plans and achievements. She will look at all your strengths (education, profession, savings, Christian influence) and think it is nothing impressive unless she has experienced sacrifice to achieve goals herself.

The main point is that a woman who has never had to do anything hard and achieve goals over the long-term has NO RESPECT for men who have done these things. Respect is what you need in order to lead. And you need to be in the lead in order for the marriage to work.

You want to avoid a woman who complains that home life is boring, that predictability and routine and safety are boring. You want to avoid a woman who disdains the humdrum of day-to-day earning money in an office building and saving money rather than blowing it on expensive things and one-shot thrills. You want to avoid women who rebels just for the sake of rebelling. You want to avoid women who resent anyone who tells them to be prudent, cautious, modest, etc. You want to avoid women who don’t get along with their fathers, who don’t see the value of benevolent authority. You want to avoid women who don’t have a track record of doing the hard work needed to achieve goals (e.g. – women who avoid STEM degrees). You want to prefer a woman who has the desire for achievement in the service of God more than the desire for pleasure or attention. You want to pick someone with a demonstrated ability to care for and nurture others in a goal-directed way, not someone whose relationships are more about getting her needs met.

The perception of “spiritual maturity”

Many Christian women who have been raised in a Christian home, who have prayed, done Bible studies, read A.W. Tozer, listened to sermons, and gone to AWANA and Sunday school have a very warped view of spiritual maturity. What the Christian home and the church teaches young women is that religion should be about their feelings. Private devotional reading and Bible study are much better (in their eyes) than preparing for public debates or sponsoring public lectures at a university. This is the feminized view of spiritual maturity that you find in the church, and this is how many Christian women judge the spiritual maturity of men.

I recommend that you find a woman who has an outward-focused practical view of Christianity and who respects action and results, not private piety and feelings. A great test for “outward-focusedness” in a woman is whether she has ability in evidential apologetics, especially science and to a lesser degree, history. Apologetics has value in Christianity because it is the thing that makes you resistant to suffering and disappointment with God. And the more evidence-based it is, the better. Reading “Signature in the Cell” is millions of times more effective than anything written by people like C.S. Lewis or G.K. Chesterton.

Is marriage primarily about the woman’s happiness?

Here is my list of courting questions that I use to detect women who will be bored by marriage. If you suspect that a woman is more focused on her own happiness than making the marriage count for God, then you just have to ask her these questions. If she gets angry and refuses to answer or learn how to answer them, then she’s self-centered and wants fun and thrills. Move on to the next one.

Understand that some young, unmarried women today who identify as Christian have these fun-seeking, thrill-seeking skeletons in their closets and that it seriously undermines their ability to perform “boring” marriage and parenting roles. Do not listen to them when they say they want to be married “some day” when all they are doing now is seeking pleasure apart from marriage and family as their fertility clock ticks away. Then they don’t really want it. Women say “some day” because they want to present themselves to others a certain way, but some women say that while really just wanting to indulge their emotions, have a good time, and never sacrifice for the future.

Many Christian women tend to draw their their standards for what will make them happy from the culture and from their peers. Whatever they claim to believe on Sunday, their actions the rest of the time are going to be inline with the culture and their peers. So pay attention to their actions, not their words. The words are designed to paint a picture for others to think well of them, but the actions show what their priorities really are.

13 thoughts on “Is marriage boring? Why are some women bored by marriage?”

  1. I still say that the best Christian women are standing in front of the abortion mills or working at crisis pregnancy centers. You cannot get much more on the front lines of our Holocaust-driven culture than that. I have yet to meet one who is not tougher than nails and well-versed in pro-life (and often Biblical) apologetics. You have to be in order to stand in front of the death mills and endure the onslaught of lies and demon-possession, or to show compassion toward the women who are considering or have had abortions, as at CPC’s.

    In saying this, I do not wish to disparage the fine Christian women who are called for other ministries – homeless shelters, missionaries, child abuse, etc. I merely wish to say that when you see a young woman put it on the line like this over time, you can be reasonably assured that they are authentic. They certainly are not doing it to get compliments from anyone. They hear some really nasty stuff and walk away unfazed and return the next day or week or month.

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  2. I’m not married, but I suspect marriage WILL be boring from time to time. I suspect I won’t be “in love” with my future wife from time to time. None of that is a reason to abandon my vows or responsibilities.

    That’s the key, these people who jump from one exciting encounter to the next aren’t interested in commitment, vows, or responsibility.

    The entire reason for vows and commitment is anticipating a time when you won’t want to keep them, when things get boring, when you’d rather be doing something else. These days, the desired to be doing something else is enough evidence that a married couple has “grown apart” and wouldn’t “be true to themselves” if they stayed together.

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  3. Good post. That’s all sound advice, I don’t find anything there I disagree with.

    I’m trying to remember back to the days when I may have considered marriage boring and I think that simply has a whole lot to do with be unwilling to sacrifice, with being afraid to be vulnerable, and perhaps anger about the adjustments that have to be made. Often when women are “bored” what they really are is angry about something. My hubby was very kind about pointing that out. I was never really bored, but I was mad a few times and it sure felt like boredom.

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    1. I actually think that it will be a major problem for me as well. I am sooooo set in my ways and so used to doing whatever I feel like that I am very worried about getting bored myself. But I’m content with working and saving at least, and I never travel far away for vacations nor do I feel the need to surf, zip-line or sky-dive. I’m happy at home just cooking, cleaning, caring for the pet bird or playing board games or video games.

      The one thing that’s hopeful for me is that I *love* the provider role, even when the recipient is ungrateful and entitled. I figure that experience of being unappreciated and taken for granted is good practice for being a Dad! “I hate you” every two minutes, the kids will scream.

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      1. If the kids scream that they hate you every 2 minutes, you’re doing something wrong. Well-behaved children don’t do that.

        But, yes, children aren’t capable of being properly grateful, at least at first, and must be taught.

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  4. I have been married 21 years to the same woman. She is so completely different now than the day I married her and I imagine nearly everyone who marries and stays married would say the same thing about their spouse. It is like I have been married to 3 different women so far all in the same body…and I imagine if we are blessed with 50 years I will probably say she was like 5 or 6 different women when all is said and done. She has matured in every way and in fact the list you cite is pretty much what she is now. However, that is after 21 years of marriage and 21 years of both of us figuring out how to relate to each other and glorify God in the process.

    If you are looking for a long list of requirements on day 1 then you will remain single and should remain single as you will likely have trouble adapting to marriage. In other words, your large list of desires in a wife will most likely be met after many years of growth.

    I think WorldGoneCrazy is on target with focusing on one key area which shows a heart for Jesus and protecting those under abject persecution (young women who demonstrate in front of abortion clinics).

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    1. Thanks for the compliment, Andrew! And, remember too: these women are incredibly smart AND compassionate AND courageous. They have to know all of the arguments that are thrown at them and be able to respond quickly on their feet. And even the ones who don’t debate know the biology and science and philosophy, or they would not be there in the first place – abortion mill or CPC. God bless and congrats on 21 years!

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  5. Churches, church youth groups, and Christian colleges do not prepare women to be good wives and good mothers. Instead they prepare all Christian women to be full time workers; either missionary work, starting their own ministry, or secular careers. In doing this they are assuming that all women have the gift of celibacy.

    They are also discounting the church growth method of Christian women birthing and raising lots of godly children. An example of this was Susanna Wesley who had 19 children (9 survived to adulthood) and raised John & Charles Wesley.

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  6. I get bored easily when I’m not active. If i am not doing something i feel like im just wasting time. According to my mom i was real active in the womb and have been so since birth. I like staying busy which is one reason why i like video games cause those keep you busy along with reading, i read a lot among other things. So would that be a bad thing

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    1. ChildofRa, you wrote “According to my mom i was real active in the womb and have been so since birth.”

      I am so glad to hear you admit that you were a person in the womb, and in fact, that your activity level was continuous from your life in the womb through your life outside of it. I had no idea that you were 100% pro-life!

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