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What can Christian parents learn from Amy Chua?

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ECM found this article in the Wall Street Journal.

But first – a little bit about Amy Chua, the author of the article:

Amy Chua is the John M. Duff Professor of Law at Yale Law School. Her first book World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability was a New York Times bestseller, was selected by both the Economist and the Guardian as one of the Best Books of 2003 and translated into eight languages. Her second book, Day of Empire: How Hyperpowers Rise to Global Dominance – and Why They Fall was a critically acclaimed Foreign Affairs bestseller. Amy Chua has appeared frequently on radio and television on programs such CNN Headline News, C-Span, The Lehrer News Hour, Bloomberg Television, and Air America. Her writings have appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Financial Times, Harvard Business Review, and the Wilson Quarterly. She lives with her husband, two daughters, and two Samoyeds in New Haven, Connecticut.

And now, an excerpt from the piece itself:

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it.

[…]Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that “stressing academic success is not good for children” or that “parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun.” By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be “the best” students, that “academic achievement reflects successful parenting,” and that if children did not excel at school then there was “a problem” and parents “were not doing their job.” Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it’s math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

And here are her three main points:

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn’t get them, the Chinese parent assumes it’s because the child didn’t work hard enough. That’s why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

[…]Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it’s probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it’s true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

[…]Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children’s own desires and preferences. That’s why Chinese daughters can’t have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can’t go to sleepaway camp. It’s also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, “I got a part in the school play! I’m Villager Number Six. I’ll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I’ll also need a ride on weekends.” God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

[…]Here’s a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style.

Now you go read the whole article to find out the three differences and read the coercion story. Read the coercion story now!

And what do we learn from it? Well, what I learned is that if we Christians want to have any hope of having an influence in the public square, then we will have to marry well, and we will have to train our children like Amy does. We should not be thinking of marriage as a way to have feelings and to gain happiness and fulfillment. Marriage should be about service to God. And one of the ways we serve is by producing children who will have an influence. I think that parents in the West tend to have the idea that the world is a safe place, and that we should try to please our children and make them like us – so that everyone will be happy. But there is one person who will not be happy if we focus on ourselves instead of serving God. Do you know who that might be?

One thing I would say in criticism of Amy is that she seems to only care about grades – which are assigned by teachers who are not necessarily going to have the same goals as a Christian parent. Teachers have their own agenda, and will happily give a child an F for espousing a belief in abstinence, or for talking about the Big Bang or protein sequence specificity, or for mentioning Climategate and dissent from man-made catastrophic global warming. If the class is math or computer science, then the children should be required to be the best. If the class is on hating America, then maybe the child should be going to a different school or being homeschooled. (Assuming that the Democrats have not banned all private schooling and homeschooling, which their masters in the teacher unions would dearly love to do).

My advice for men is this: Have a plan for marriage and parenting. Make decisions your whole life to implement that plan. Choose a wife based on the criteria of the job of marriage. And raise your children to have an influence for Christ.

If you cannot wife who actually puts serving God over her own feelings and desires, remain chaste and do not marry. There is no point in getting married unless marriage and parenting can serve God. The point of marriage is not to have a big wedding. The point of marriage is not to make women happy and fulfilled. The point of marriage is not for the woman to neglect her children while focusing on her career. The point of marriage is not to produce family vacation photographs to show your neighbors. The point of marriage is not to blindly hand children off to the schools to be raised by left-wing radicals with degrees in nonsense fields like Education.

UPDATE: An interview with Amy Chua in the Globe and Mail.

36 thoughts on “What can Christian parents learn from Amy Chua?”

  1. First, let me say w/o getting into an embarrassing love-fest I have immense respect for WK and his writings and nearly always agree…but (saw that coming didn’t you) I barely know where to begin w/ Ms. Chua’s article. I will let stand western parents are failing in many ways and those ways are often discussed here, so I won’t get into that. Raising children is about balance. A punishment &/or motivation which works for one child may fail completely with another. To expect all children to achieve all As or become music aficionados denies the fact that we are all gifted “differently” by God. Somehow I can’t hear Christ telling His children they are garbage—even if they were. He had much more powerful and elegant ways of teaching. I can’t help wonder how much of the pressure Ms. Chua puts on her children is truly about what is best for them and how much is about feeding her own ego with their accomplishments. My daughter attends school with a large Korean population and is in their peer group. I jokingly say I couldn’t hand pick better friends for my daughter. They are totally focused on school, A students, don’t date and all deeply faithful Christians; however, my daughter frequently mentions when one of them breaks down emotionally (secretly with her) due to the stress and lack of sleep from trying to be the best or secretly vomiting or hiding an illness for fear they will get sent home and other sad stories from the pressures they are living under. I do believe in expecting the best from our children and helping them achieve it, but Ms. Chua seems ruthless in her behavior and demands. I suppose I’m a true western parent as I can’t imagine EVER telling my daughter she is garbage. I have expressed my disappointment, told her she didn’t do well because she didn’t work hard enough, and demanded better (all when applicable), but to degrade someone is never a Christ-like behavior. I have tried hard to instill a work ethic in my daughter. She stays up very late most school nights working on homework, but she does so because SHE wants to do well and make A’s. If I die tomorrow I feel confident she will continue to be a hard worker. Could the same be said for Ms. Chua’s children? When born I was convinced my daughter would be an athlete like her father, but God bless her I soon realized she received my klutz gene. According to Ms. Chua’s theory of parenting I should have brow beat my daughter into sports because I held it in esteem (as Ms. Chua does music) instead of allowing my daughter to discover her true gift of piano and her love of children (my daughter has dreamed of being a kindergarten teacher since kindergarten and to watch her tenderness and patience with children is like watching a master play a Stradivarius). Ok, I’ve written way too much and not sure if I have properly expressed my dismay. To sum up Ms. Chua’s tactic may work for some children who, in spite of the way they were treated and raised, will grow up to be happy and successful, but others may commit suicide, form behavioral issues such as anorexia (“hey fatty”), etc. My priorities in raising my daughter have always been first to instill a personal and deep love of and faith in Christ, second to provide her with the best education my money and ability can provide and to make sure she knows she is loved and valued. My heart aches for her children and I do not believe her “method” of raising children to be Christ-like. If I am wrong I welcome correction and dialogue and am happy to clarify my somewhat inarticulate beliefs.

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  2. I heartily agree with Tina. While many Western parents are neglectful and indulgent, this woman is verbally abusive and manipulative.

    I read the whole thing. Sure, I learnt a lot. I saw an example of how *not* to parent my children. Just think about it. No water, no going to the bathroom, no dinner until you get that piece of music down pat. Because it’s *that* important that you get it right NOW. If I were one of her kids I would be counting the days ’til I could get out and I would HATE music – as well as any ideology she told me I needed to adopt for myself. I’ve seen kids who were overly pressured by their parents. They complied, but it was a joyless thing and often led to rebellion when they got the chance.

    This is also deeply impractical. Some kids just don’t have the ability to get an A, no matter how hard they try. If they work hard they should be praised for their effort. It’s the work that is virtuous, not the result. And everyone is supposed to come first in their class? What if there are 2 Chinese kids in the class? They can’t both come first.

    She sounds like a pretty unpleasant wife too. All the eye-rolling and sarcasm. Must be such a joy to live with.

    I can see how this style of parenting makes sense – if life is all about worldly achievement. But it isn’t. It’s about serving God. And He’s less interested in us winning (after all, He’s the one Who really does the winning), than in how we play the game.

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  3. While I’m far from being a father at this point in my life, I did grow up in a Japanese family, but here in the states, it’s somewhat Westernized, so the “overbearing parent” is SOMEWHAT diminished as opposed to, say, my distant relatives in Japan. Man, have I heard the horror stories there. Japan has a high rate of suicide, especially prevalent among teens, and, if I remember correctly, the primary cause is not meeting up to expectations. The fact that a lot end up working in the industry where unions are incredibly weak, and where companies demand unholy amounts of dedication and loyalty really hammers into a person a merits-based interpretation of the world in many different aspects, including religion. While I think that the “servanthood” aspect is somewhat refreshing as opposed to the rampant individualism in the west, parents these days need to strike the sweet spot and maintain balance.

    That’s to say, affirm the individual as he/she is with his/her specific wants and needs, but inculcate a sense of representation and a “more than yourself” attitude (you represent your family, your gender, your community, your race, your nation, your religion, in our case, Christ Himself!)

    Just as C.S. Lewis argued that hierarchy is right only when it is not abused, so to is individualism, and hey, even secularism; but only when it is not abused and does not overstep its boundaries. Of course, such ideals can’t be met in a world full of fallen humans, so we tend to think that hierarchy is an inherent “evil”.

    But, going off on a slight tangent here, if you looked at the famous “Prodigal Son” painting by Rembrandt, you can see one hand of the father is masculine…it is supporting, uplifting, and appears to signify strength. The other hand is drawn to be more feminine, which appears to show grace, mercy, comfort; a sense of compassion. Both hands are there on the prodigal son, and I believe both hands are needed in the life of a child through their parents. Again, it’s that whole balance issue I kinda wanted to get at. I wonder if that made any sense…

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    1. One thing I learned from reading that article is what the purpose of playing musical instruments is… I never understood that until she started explaining how the constant practicing leads to recitals where everyone applauds the hard work. I think that parents should have SOME SORT of plan for encouraging children to learn the value of hard work like that.

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  4. I have an American friend married to a Chinese woman. Two years ago, I went to court with him because she beat their daughter, smashed her violin and tore up all photographs of the daughter, because the 5-year old, a musical prodigy, was refusing to practice the piano.

    I overheard her tell the judge that she was using Chinese parenting technique. My reason for being there was to vouch for my friend, since the judge was going to take their daughter away from both of them (he assumed my friend was aware of the beatings, and I have to say, I don’t know he couldn’t have been). However, she’d beaten him too.

    He got his daughter back and mom had to leave the house.

    So much for this technique. Who cares if their kid is a musical prodigy if they’re beaten into submission?

    Wintery, there is nothing for Christian parents to learn from this other than it’s the wrong way to train up a child.

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    1. If you read the Globe and Mail thing I added to the post in an update, it sounds like she feels bad now about pushing them as hard as she did… I was mostly interested in the way that she thought it was a good idea to spend time working through homework with the child instead of just shouting and then turning them over to the teacher. My mother never put any effort into my monitoring my school work. Even my father only did it a little because he just didn’t want to have to learn anything hard. Thinking back, I really am disappointed with my parents for not being involved in my education. They were both too busy working.

      I am opposed to forcing children to play musical instruments.

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  5. As the father of a one-year-old, on the surface of things, I will say–albeit before reading both the articles and the book, which I just bought–that I agree with Chua.
    I was brought up in Africa by a single mother, a teacher, who expected hard work and pushed both my brother and me. I was also (physically) punished when necessary by her and–gasp–also by my teachers.
    Western children are coddled beyond belief and most turn out to be spoiled brats. I don’t intend to make that mistake with my son.
    That said, however, there are lines beyond which it becomes unreasonable and perhaps even cruel to children and the JOB of a parent is to know where that line exists.
    Also, I do not believe that there are varying standards of discipline for different children. Discipline is discipline and attempting to forge a different standard for each child is an exercise in frustration and futility.
    I will have more to say after I’ve read both the articles and the book.

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    1. I know what you mean. My parents are from a third world country. I have brown skin. It’s normal for us. And the schools where we are from were actually interested in people learning and competing.

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    2. “Discipline is discipline and attempting to forge a different standard for each child is an exercise in frustration and futility.” When my husband read Ms. Chua’s article he only said we are somewhere in between, but definitely not as “cruel.” Just about everyone we know has felt welcome to tell us what we are doing wrong in raising our daughter, usually along the line of “too strict,” “keeping her in a bubble,” “too intrusive-overbearing,” and on, but I always have to smile and shake my head (internally) when those who have not raised children tell me what I’m doing wrong, because I know when they have their own children (if they remember their comments) they will come to see how uninformed their ideas were. Don’t take my word for it; ask any parent with multiple children. They can all be raised in the same home, eat the same food, receive the same education, go on the same vacations and have “completely different” temperaments, personalities, gifts, etc. You may discipline one child (who always must be on the go) with time out and it will kill them, but your more stubborn child would sit in a chair until kingdom come rather than admit defeat…but…take away their favorite toy(s) and they will capitulate immediately. Discipline need not always be physical and most often is not the best way of getting cooperation with or teaching the value of cooperation with a child-which is not to say I don’t spank, I have, but very rarely and usually when “I” lost “my” self control. Raising children is about constantly adjusting to the growing child(ren) and finding the balance for each unique child. Parents are constantly having to decide which “battles” really matter so you’re not constantly at war and when so that when you do fight a battle it has more impact and is not just another rule, rant, etc by the oppressive parenting regime. You may see all of this as “an exercise in frustration and futility,” but the love for our children demands we parents be flexible and teach each child in a manner that will be received by them-not one that is easy for us. Only time will tell if our daughter stays faithful to Christ and our teachings. I by no means claim to know what “correct” parenting is for every child, family, and/or culture and am sure Ms. Chua would scoff at my husband and me. We are ok with that. I mean you no disrespect. These are just the lessons I have learned with my teenage daughter and my brother (now in his late 20s) of whom I raised from the age of ten.

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  6. “Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”

    This quote from the end of the original article was the one that really struck me. I may not agree with the harshness of Ms. Chua’s parenting, but ultimately, if this is the goal, I think it’s an admirable goal, and probably going to ensure future success than what Western parenting “experts” suggest.

    I think there may be other ways of instilling the confidence, discipline and work ethic than the extreme’s of Ms. Chua’s experience. I only have to read historical biographies to see that in our own Western history. Our Western society has gotten too caught up in “protecting” our children and not worrying enough about their ability to survive life. Life is harsh, at times. And as we innoculate them against disease, I think the confidence and discipline that was modeled by our forebears, and is currently modeled in Asian societies, is probably a better protection against the trials of life than any “self-esteem” practices that are currently recommended.

    There are extremes on both ends. One can be too harsh, and end up with someone who only feels lovable when they perform. On the other hand, we can be too soft, and end up with a person who feels entitled to everything, without working for it.

    I usually end up discipling my children by telling them that I honestly believe they are too smart, too talented to be lazy, whiny, or to indulge them. Sometimes it takes a bit of harshness to remind them that it takes work to accomplish the purpose they were created for. But balanced with unconditional love, I don’t know that harshness is a bad thing, necessarily.

    I have to say this: the results are telling. The Chinese are outscoring us in almost every area of life. Just because we are horrified at the seeming uncaring attitudes, doesn’t mean that they are uncaring, or that their methods should be dismissed. Perhaps it’s time to re-examine our Western worldview and generally accepted parenting techniques?

    And for the person who said they didn’t think they could hear Jesus calling someone garbage, I beg to disagree. He called his own disciple “Satan”, the pharisees ‘vipers’ and ‘whitewashed tombs’, and the merchants in the temple ‘thieves’. At times, using a harsh label makes a point, and describes exactly who that person is at that particular moment. It certainly grabs the attention, doesn’t it?

    Maybe we need to be a bit more blunt, and not so worried about our children’s ‘self-esteem’. We are all born so selfish, that I don’t think we really need to coddle that anymore. Maybe we need to demand a bit more from them, and hold them capable and resilient. I think it’s called.. respect.

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    1. I agree with you about the other ways to do it. I consider music, dance and singing to be pretty impractical, although matthew seems to like playing the piano. Other things like math, science and computer programming would be really good. I think William Lane Craig got into debate at an early age – that might work.

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      1. Impractical according to whose standards? The market’s?
        Or the Bible’s?
        The largest book in the Bible is utterly devoted to songs and hymns, which is unquestionably one part of our worship to God. Music and singing is an integral part of praising God, as is prayer, fasting, reading the Bible, fellowship with others, giving generously, apologetics, evangelism etc.
        Surely these are the things we should prioritise when raising kids, and if we do that properly then the rest will follow, no?

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      2. Music, art, dance impractical? The arts are not only a huge industry (something you support), they are something that are inspired by the best in us (Michelangelo, Bernini, Mozart to name the old guys). If you’re not inspired by their achievements, perhaps you need to spend some time in a museum, a concert, or a theater.

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        1. Well, I have to say impractical in public, but if you can just keep a secret, this is what I ordered and have been watching in the last 30 days:

          Here are some others I like:

          But I learn a lot from these sorts of things, so not sure if it is impractical. I am thinking about ordering the Complete BBC Shakespeare.

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          1. Ah, so it’s really a matter of quality. That’s a good selection. :)

            Another instance where it helps to be specific instead of making sweeping statements. ;-)

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          2. I don’t want anyone to refer to this in the future though. I am a Knight. I wear armor. I slay dragons. Whatever happens between me and literature is a secret! A secret that I’m not very proud of!

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          3. Haha nice!
            But you’re missing the best one:
            ‘Emma’ by Jane Austen!
            This version http://www.amazon.com/Emma-Romola-Garai/dp/B002XTBE6K/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294934676&sr=8-1-fkmr0

            And these are pretty good too! But their version of emma is not as good as the one above

            One of the english literature tutors here at oxford said that ’emma’ is the perfect novel, how about that?!
            And i’ve got a feeling you’ve been influenced into buying these by SOMEONE (not gonna say who), am i right or am I right?! ;P

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          4. I think Emma is in the Jane Austen collection, and I did just watch it. I liked Mr. Knightley but not Emma.

            I thought that Middlemarch by George Elliot was the perfect novel?

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          7. Ah yeah it is in the austen collection, but I prefer the version that I linked to! This version is best http://www.amazon.com/Emma-Romola-Garai/dp/B002XTBE6K/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294934676&sr=8-1-fkmr0

            And emma starts off bad of course, but the moral of the story is that people CAN change and reward the men that care about virtue, whilst penalising the shallow, arrogant ones.

            Btw, imo this is the best version of bleak house http://www.amazon.com/Bleak-House-Special-Maxwell-Martin/dp/B001P807RC/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1294954161&sr=1-1

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          8. Emma doesn’t start out bad.
            She starts out bored, immature, meddlesome, wanting to do good but misguided in how it is done. She grows up. She gains wisdom.
            I didn’t see her sneaking out of the house to engage in riotous living, chasing bad boys, drinking, and losing her virtue. I saw her trying to make something out of the extremely limited life choices she had been given by her society, bumping into walls, getting hurt, and gaining wisdom along the way.

            And it is a very patient man that can hold steady around such immaturity until the little girl inside the woman’s body matured enough to fit into her grown woman body.

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          9. Yes, it’s very clear that all along she definitely means well. I actually think that Knightley could have done a better job of giving her things to do to grow her all along instead of just blowing up at her privately. What good is that? It’s much better to do what I do, which is to treat women like employees (partly) and investing time, effort and money into growing them into more capable workers. And that does involve motivating them and complimenting them.

            For example, I try to get women to complete unfinished degrees and do new degrees. One of my Christian female friends is now studying economics, and the other is back in school to finish her Bachelor degree. What sense does it make to insult them and pile up expectations on them without being willing to take an active role in building them up? The better thing to do is to send them books and things, monitor their progress, and freak out when they achieve things. Some women do not want to be better and do not want to be led – men shouldn’t marry those ones.

            I swear, even Knightley leaves something to be desired in the way he treats women. Women are for building up so that they are capable, effective and confident. Then you can turn them lose on things that you cannot even do yourself. That’s when they are really valuable – when they can help. I think if a man wants to marry one, he also needs to make sure that she will encourage him and understand his male nature and not crush the life out him by controlling him like a little boy. But that has to be accomplished by giving them things to read and experience too. It’s just like being a manager with a star employee from Harvard. You want to get the most out of the expensive resource, so you have to manage, compensate and motivate them closely.

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    2. “And for the person who said they didn’t think they could hear Jesus calling someone garbage, I beg to disagree. He called his own disciple “Satan”, the pharisees ‘vipers’ and ‘whitewashed tombs’, and the merchants in the temple ‘thieves’. At times, using a harsh label makes a point, and describes exactly who that person is at that particular moment.”

      You are correct in Christ used a word that appropriately described a behavior or action. Although, I would point out they were directed to adults not a child. I also agree the words we use can have a powerful impact on the persons they are directed to. However, you are missing a vital point. Ms. Chua used a word that demeaned a child’s value and sense of worth; they did not call out the behavior that needed correcting. Ms. Chua merely tells the child they are worthless. How will that help a child in any way? I believe in correcting a behavior not trash talking children. Yes it takes more time, patience and effort, but… I believe as adults we are more than capable of molding behaviors and building character in our children without attacking their value. I realize some children are more difficult and need more force than others, but even then why stoop to attacking their value?

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  7. I enjoyed this article because I saw triumphs of my own that were the result of my parents, in their own small way, doing kinda like Amy did it (The music fight didn’t have yelling and all-night match-ups, but other lessons did).

    Now I play piano for the pleasure of it, the joy I bring others with my skill, the emotional release it gives me. I get all these benefits because piano is now easy for me, but it wasn’t always. At 12 years of age I was begging mother to let me stop playing. My older brother had moved on to another instrument. My younger brothers, save one, would be allowed to lapse from their lessons. But mother told me I was to continue taking lessons and playing for at least another year.

    Thankfully for her, by the time that year rolled over and all the changes it brought (moving to a new city, no more piano teacher, different social environment), I’d found my voice in that instrument. And I thank God I haven’t lost it (too much anyways).

    I don’t agree with the yelling and screaming, the complete rejection of external involvements and limited friends. But I also see that she is talking from the perspective of public (or at least group) schooling. I was home schooled and plan on home schooling my children, and while the tales of unsocialized homeschoolers are complete and total tripe, I plan on being involved in the broader homeschool and local communities for various purposes including expanding and rounding out my childrens’ experiences, giving them opportunities for peer friendships, and the like.

    And like you say, WK, it’s about having the plan. Most parents that I observe have as their only plan to survive until they can foist the kids off on some college somewhere (else). But successful children will more likely result from parents who recognize their responsibility, take that responsibility seriously, and carry it out to the best of their abilities using what resources they can muster.

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  8. I finally read both articles and the book on my Kindle. First the book is spellbinding and well-written. Second, I have to say that the tone of the articles don’t really convey what the book is about after all. More than anything, it is a self-deprecating memoir in which Amy Chua comes to find through some quite difficult occurrences that perhaps her mad rush “Chinese Mother” method of parenting may not be without its faults.

    She does regret certain things she did and didn’t do and, with input from her now-older-teenage daughters, thinks she may have been too harsh. What she doesn’t regret is being the demanding mother who expects excellence and I think this is where the Gold of this memoir lies.

    The point of the matter is clear and incontrovertible: Asian children are outscoring every other ethnicity in the sciences and mathematics. As if that wasn’t enough, they’re also outscoring everyone else in the arts as well! There has been millions of dollars spent trying to understand why inner-city children don’t do well in school. The question is whether this is money well-spent especially when no one is asking why the children who out-perform do so. Well, the answer is quite simple, really: they–and their pushy, demanding mothers–outwork and thus outperform. It’s such a simple idea that it seems to have been missed by all those numerous education PhDs, which isn’t surprising.

    By the way, when I say “discipline is discipline” I don’t mean to imply that it’s a one size fits all; it would be a mistake to think this way. Obviously everyone is different and what worked with my brother almost certainly did not work with me as children. That said, the end goal IS the same: a well-behaved, well-performing child. It is the job of the parent, I believe, to find that unique blend of discipline that will work for each child. This, in fact, is the theme of Amy Chua’s book. In the end, she finds that attempting to apply her “Chinese Mother” parenting methods to both children–and even her Samoyed dogs!!–simply doesn’t work as was made clear to her by her youngest daughter, Lulu.

    Another point: while Chua did end up letting up a bit on Lulu’s violin lessons, she never did on her education and everyone, including Lulu, realized that was sacrosanct.

    As for particular methods, this is when I speak of a “discipline blend.” There are times when it is necessary to raise one’s voice to make a point. Barking ceaselessly is an overabundance and thus not a blend of discipline methods. I had my butt smacked both by mom and even my teachers in school when I was particularly naughty. Some adults today, addled by drugs and alcohol may, for all we know, have been saved from that slow death by a few swats to the rear. I certainly would trade a few minutes of pain for a lifetime of drug abuse.

    Yes, I realize that may be a bit hyper, but the basic idea is logical. People, let’s not forget that humanity has been raising and educating children for a very long time and it’s only now, within the last 60 or 70 years that we’re rethinking what has factually worked for millennia and what are the results? You judge for yourself, but knowing that many American High School graduates couldn’t write a grammatically correct essay should speak volumes.

    Remember, children will choose the easiest way if they’re allowed. That’s their “job”. It’s ours as parents to push, cajole, demand, then reward and pour love all over better behavior.

    Jesus pushed. Jesus cajoled, Jesus demanded, Jesus demanded, but above all, under-girded by all that, Jesus loved.

    I tell you that the stinging lash of a switch to the rear of a truly misbehaving child when done, not in frustration, not in annoyance, but in love is just as beneficial as a visit to the dentist.

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  9. One more thing: parenting, first and foremost, requires time spent. Amy Chua correctly points out that the “chinese mother” spends more time with their children than “western” parents. To achieve these kinds of results requires a massive investment of time and nothing seems to grate on many parents I know than to “waste” time with their children.
    Many western parents, it seems, can’t wait for their kids to turn 18 and get the heck out of their house. Don’t believe me? Listen closely next time: they can’t wait to get away on vacations by themselves. They can’t wait to drop off their kids at the mall. They can’t wait to shuttle off their kids to sleepovers. It’s like they hate their company or something.
    This is a major downfall of western-style parenting.

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    1. This is exactly the thing that I was most impressed with, and what I was suggesting that Christian women emulate. The time spent with a purpose of making the children do activities in order to change their character and self-confidence. It was laid out so nicely in that article. I really do not care about piano and violin so much as I care about the experience of trying and failing, practicing, then succeeding and being applauded. The idea that the mother would give them things to do that they could not do and then pushing them to keep trying – just so that they would have confidence.

      And then of course my comments that Sarah echoed – namely, that either we are going to do this or we are going to yield the cultural high ground to people who don’t much agree with us. Either John Roberts will be chief justice or it will be Goodwin Liu. We want it to be John Roberts, and so we must MAKE John Roberts. That’s what I want Christian women to say. So far, I am feeling that I am expected to sink $250K into each child so that she can have a cute baby to play with and be photographed with, and that is the point of children. None of the women I have dated have cared enough about God to actually think of their parenting as a way to serve God by raising world-changers. I have saved lots and lots of capital to raise children, but I have found NO ONE who I would trust to be in charge of raising those kids. I am not going to spend that money on happiness for a woman – it has to be spent on something BIGGER than that. Not vacations, not traveling, not jewelry, not clothes, not shoes, not a fancy home, not parties, not alcohol and not day care.

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      1. I am coming to the conclusion, Wintery, that you are going to the wrong places to meet women.

        As you know, I was part of the homeschooling movement for a time. And the women that I know loved their kids, loved being around their kids. One of the reasons they homeschooled is that they thought it was unfair to raise their kids to a certain point, the point when it was fun, and then sending them off to some stranger (kindergarten teacher) to have fun with them.

        The women I know enjoyed growing and learning with their children. And I found those women in abundance, all around me.

        I am presently dealing with the fact that, coming next fall, I may not lose one, but two of my children to a university, leaving me with only one child left in the home. And this is causing me great distess. I HAVE to let them go. But I’m not looking forward to it.

        I think you are looking for love in all the wrong places.
        Or perhaps you are attracted to the selfish woman, like you accuse women of being attracted to the ‘bad boys’.
        I don’t know. I can’t say. I’m only guessing right now.

        But if you can’t find one single woman anywhere to trust with your kids, all I can figure is that you are either fishing in the wrong ponds or you are using the wrong bait.
        Because those women DO exist, who don’t care about traveling, jewelry, clothes, shoes, fancy homes, parties, alcohol…
        And who would rather poke their eye ball with a sharpened stick than to send their children to day care.

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  10. My folks often implored me to go for piano lessons when I was young which I just dismissed out of sheer laziness (TV and video games were more interesting) despite having a feel for music.Years later I now regret not having learnt it .. I see the church choir and I feel like joining in sometimes.Still havent given up on it though , just have to find the time.Maybe Chua’s approach would have helped heh ;-)

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  11. Although, I’m not a mom, I am a teacher. And let me say, I truly agree with you.
    Amy Chua’s parenting style minus a few tid bits needs to be reinstated. I say reinstated because some of her parenting techniques are borrowed from American parents of previous generations.
    As a teacher, I believe in creativity and individual achievement; I strongly support healthy social developmental activities; I believe in discipline, including physical; and I can’t stress enough the importance of expecting nothing but the best from little Johnny. All too often parents are their children’s “way out” cards. “Maybe little Johnny just doesn’t get math,” “Maybe the teacher is picking on my son.”
    Too many parents are “unknowingly” raising their children to be punks; ill-equiped for this world. Too many children are afraid, lazy, unmotivated, and think the world owes them EVERYTHING. And if they don’t get something then teachers, coaches, and others are to blame. “If only the teacher would have kept an eye on little Johnny then he wouldn’t have ditched school, stolen a car, crashed it, causing thousands of dollars in damage. I’m suing the school for not calling me when he didn’t show up for 3rd period.”
    I wish parents would look at the state of our schools, our communities, and our homes and realize that their new age style of parenting is not working. Kids needs discipline, strong voices, strict rules, harsh consequences, tough words along with love and support. And support doesn’t mean supporting unacceptable behavior. Unfortunately, as a teacher, I can’t instill many of these. If I yell at my students, parents complain. If I insist that a consequence be enacted, parents just write the principal or school board. If I enforce rules (rules parents have to agree to and sign in the rule book) parents complain.
    Yes, Chua may be a little harsh, but a few bads words said to your children; strict discipline, high expectations, rules, with love and support never hurt anyone. So parents, stop being wimps and take your duties as a parent seriously. Save money, stop paying every gadget on the market. Bring back family time, board games, matinees, pizza night. Get to know their friends and their parents. Go through their personal items and bedrooms. Pop up at school on your day off. Enforce rules. Be Mean when you have to be. Yell at them in public when you have to. Give them the evil eye and dont forget to perfect that tone and tight lip. Come up with creative punishments. And most importatny, say no when you feel it is in their best interest.

    Also remember to pray over your children and your home.

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    1. I agree with you. I think that the yelling and screaming and fighting is too much – but the main things I liked were the awareness of the grades, the monitoring of progress, and the attention to doing homework. And also the removing of distractions like TV and peer pressure situations. She was actually trying to teach the kids character! To not give up!

      As much as I bash teacher unions, I do think that parents really have an equal role in getting their kids to learn. They can’t just dump it all on the teachers and expect things to work out.

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