On Sunday, I listened to a very interesting discussion between Sean McDowell and Jessica van der Wyngaard on Justin Brierley’s Unbelievable show. The topic was on the pros and cons of purity culture. I didn’t know a thing about “purity culture”, and had never read any books about it. I didn’t really disagree with anyone on the podcast, but I did want to say something about it in a blog post.
20 years ago Joshua Harris was the poster boy of the evangelical ‘purity movement’ having authored the bestselling book ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’. Today, Harris regrets writing the book, and has also recently changed his mind about Christianity.
Justin is joined by Jessica van der Wyngaard, director of the documentary film ‘I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye’, and Christian apologist Sean McDowell, to discuss purity culture, singleness and the Joshua Harris story.
First, here’s a brief summary of what everyone said on the podcast:
- JW: the book urged people to give up dating in favor of courting and suggested other rules that would guarantee a successful marriage to your soul-mate
- JW: some of the rules proposed by the book were not Biblical
- JW: I’m not a virgin and I’m in early-30s, but I accept that we should teach what the Bible says about abstinence
- SM: purity culture is the idea that if you remain sexually pure, God will give you a spouse and bless you in the future
- SM: purity culture is the idea that if you have premarital sex, you will be tainted forever
- SM: I’m afraid that those reacting against purity culture will build a sexual ethic solely based on their shame, their hurt, their concern about legalism, and this will not help the next generation
- SM: let’s have a balanced Biblical approach to sexuality instead
- SM: there is scientific data to back up the Bible’s teaching that marriages work better when sex occurs only within a marriage
- SM: it’s a mistake to define your spiritual standing based on whether you are a virgin or not
- SM: following the Bible’s rules for sexuality is an important part of discipleship
- SM: the Bible is replete with examples of people restoring their standing before God through forgiveness and redemption
Right now, we are living in a secular culture where people are hooking up, having premarital sex, living together, and breaking up far more often than in the past. There is this pattern of choosing partners based on secular criteria: outward appearance and ability to entertain. And this approach to dating – choosing people for the wrong reasons, and trying to force a commitment using premarital sex – is now common practice, even among Christians.
I think people should have a plan to counter this trend that’s realistic and guided by studies and evidence. For example, studies show that people who have no sexual partners before marriage are more likely to still be married 10 years later. Studies show that cohabitation negatively impacts the stability of a future marriage. It’s difficult to accept that this is the way the world is, but if a stable marriage is a goal for you, then you should care about the best practices for having a stable marriage.
Take a different example. Suppose you have a lot of shame and bad feelings over having run up $90,000 of student loans. Now your retirement will be much more difficult. The answer to these feelings of shame is not to say that you can invoke “grace” and that will make everything OK. It won’t. It might help you to make better decisions going forward, but that debt is going to affect your future spouse, your future marriage and your future children.
There are real costs to these behaviors for your future, and being forgiven through Jesus’ atonement isn’t going to instantly make the effects of those choices disappear. It’s good to warn young people about these costs. It’s also good to help people who have made mistakes undo the damage by investing in them. I don’t want us to throw out evidence-based best practices as “legalism”, because they help us to reach the discipleship goals specified for us in the Bible.
The goals of the Bible (e.g. – not aborting, not divorcing) are good goals. If we find out from science that premarital promiscuity or cohabitation reduce our odds of achieving that goal, then it’s a mistake to dismiss that evidence because it make us feel bad about our past. It’s not legalism to investigate evidence and consult wise advisors in order to choose how best to achieve goals like marriage. That’s actually being wise. Making good decisions doesn’t give you the right to be proud and compare yourself to others, but it is good to make good decisions for yourself, and to share your reasoning with those who ask you.
I agree with the speakers that purity culture is wrong to promise people a happy marriage if they only keep their virginity. That’s just the prosperity gospel, and it really is not a Biblical view of the Christian life.
People who choose to have premarital sex haven’t separated themselves from marriage. But studies indicate that they have damaged the stability of their future marriage if they do nothing to counteract the effects of their choices. And I think there is more to counteracting these bad effects than just stating to your partner “Jesus forgives me, so you can’t judge me”. The focus of the “no-rules because I feel ashamed” crowd doesn’t seem to be on taking the damage seriously and fixing it. Their focus seems to be on not being judged.
I don’t think that a cursory response (“don’t judge me!”) is adequate to undo the damage from premarital sex. But if a person is willing to be honest about their past, and put in the work to understand the effects of premarital sex on their future marriage, renew their minds, and re-establishing their bonding ability, then they should be able to fully counteract the damage. I have met people who have done this, and you can see in their choices and lifestyle that there’s been a complete turning against their former use of sex for fun and attention and self-esteem. It’s not “idolizing virginity and idolizing marriage” to look at the data, and make choices that are likely to lead to a stable marriage.
8 thoughts on “Don’t dismiss best practices for Christian living as “legalism” and “denying grace””
Usually the “purity culture” gets lots of criticisms from all over, ranging from:
“It is disguised prosperity Gospel” (i.e., “if you stay pure/celibate, you will have a great marriage, wonderful marital sex, etc.)
“It’s focused on women/girls, it’s discriminatory/there’s a double standard”
“It focuses too much on behavior/sex and dress”
“It’s places too much value in sex/it’s idolatry of sex”
“non-virgins are tainted”
I appreciated Sean McDowell’s “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” approach — “Let’s get back to God’s plan, a biblical approach to sexuality,” i.e., sex is healthy and good and wonderful within God’s plan of the [pre-existing] committed marital relationship between one husband (male) and one wife (female).
It is NOT legalism to expect obedience where the Bible commands.
I married a virgin, but while dating, I was open to marrying a non-virgin under certain conditions, understanding that all Christians sin and make mistakes, and sexual sin is forgivable but is usually (i.e., except for rape) an intentional and volitional sin (i.e., people don’t accidentally do this).
Rape / the woman was not a Christian but later converted: somewhat understandable, although there’s other considerations.
The woman had repented: repentance can be as simple as saying “God, YOU are right, I have sinned.” I want to see someone who is following God’s plan, not rationalizing sin.
The woman was now walking with the Holy Spirit, and choosing self-control.
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Excellent, I agree with you.
The Bible has many almost contrary but actually complimentary beliefs.
We are justified by faith, grace works in us to allow us to overcome sin. We are to be holy because God is holy. We are to be renewed and take on the mind of Christ following the spirit of God. We are to not live in a state of following our fleshly desires but to seek God.
And mainly we don’t have to wait till the resurrection to take on more of the nature of God we are it learn to avoid ungodly sin.
People want the spiritual side of God to make the feel good and yet want to live in the flesh.
If you are saved you will display the fruit of the spirit and wanting to sin and celebrating your sin is a sign of false conversion or else someone that is so far removed from God spiritually that they are blinded but the spiritual state they are in.
I do like your wording to the title. Because many on the left are open to terms such as holistic and other things. So presenting the case as a lifestyle that causes less pain and problems can be received better
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“Best practices” is engineering terminology.
Excellent analysts as always. I would add a Biblical gender analysis as well, namely, that marriage was made for the man, that Christian men are to Lead as a servant- leader to protect women from the lust of both parties, that men are to “leave and cleave” to the wife, lay down his life for his wife, be equally yoked as Leader/Helper, etc. Most women will follow such a man anywhere for a lifetime.
Thank u and God Bless!
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Excellent analysis as always. I would add a Biblical gender analysis as well, namely, that marriage was made for the man, that Christian men are to Lead as a servant- leader to protect women from the lust of both parties, that men are to “leave and cleave” to the wife, lay down his life for his wife, be equally yoked as Leader/Helper, etc. Most women will follow such a man anywhere for a lifetime.
Thank u and God Bless!
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