To protect children, we need to tell women to choose conservative, traditional men

Women need to learn to choose a man who is prepared to be a father and husband
Women need to learn to choose men who are prepared to be a father and husband

Yesterday, I blogged about the hook-up culture, and how many young women were freely choosing to participate in it.  In their own words, the young, unmarried women explained how they wanted to have fun and get “acceptance” from men who were good-looking by having sex with them within minutes of meeting them. I argued that we needed to tell young, unmarried women not to be seeking fun and thrills, and that we need to oppose radical feminism and selfishness in the culture.

Well, a woman who had an irresponsible mom read that post and left a comment telling her story.

Here is the first comment from Mysterious M. in full:

I was born to a woman who fits a very similar description to what you describe here in your post, WK, so perhaps it would be apropos for me to share my experience being raised by her.

My mom was brought up in a Christian home but allowed herself to be influenced by the feminist movement of the 60s and 70s after she left home. She spent one year in college, got a job, got married and then divorced within a few years (no kids). She met my dad in a bar after her divorce. She celebrated her divorce by going out drinking, btw. My dad was married at the time they met and had been previously married, as well, and had a slew of kids scattered across the country. His current wife was also pregnant. My half sister was born 3 weeks before me, in the same hospital.

Once she found out she was pregnant, she realized that I’d be better off without him around and told him to leave, which he did without any argument, unsurprisingly. I asked her once what she saw in him and she said, “Well, he was funny.” So she slept with him. No matter that he had a wife, ex-wives, kids, etc. Those things aren’t important when you’re out looking for a good time for yourself.

I was a teenager before I knew who my dad was and how I came into being. After I was born she did start to attend church and put me in Christian school and attempted to raise me in a Christian home. However, she never once told me that she thought she’d done anything wrong or that she was sorry for the pain that her decisions caused me. I went through years of anguish, depression, an eating disorder that almost killed me and other behavioral problems clearly stemming from the feelings of abandonment I experienced and her continuously irresponsible behavior, but never once did it appear to cross her mind that she might be responsible for any of this.

Although my mom appeared from the outside to have changed her ways, in hindsight I see that the reckless independence she acquired from her years away from family and church never really left. They switched from outwardly rebellious behavior, like dating married men, to more private bad habits to fulfill her desire for fun and excitement, like internet gambling and reckless spending on credit cards (to the tune of 70K at last count). I think these were also attempts to distract and comfort herself when she was lonely. When she got older, she resented that she didn’t have a husband to take care of her and enjoy a simple life with, but never seemed to put it together that her choices pretty much precluded her from that opportunity.

Although she’s faithfully attended church since my childhood and read her Bible, etc, I have never, ever once heard her admit that she sinned by doing any of these things, or that they were bad decisions that caused unnecessary hurt and harm to her child or herself. If anything, she still seems to think that it’s kind of funny or cute that she, an otherwise quiet, reserved, seemingly respectable woman, has a torrid past that resulted in an affair with a married man and a child to commemorate the event. I almost sense she’s proud of it, to this day, and that makes me very sad and scared for her.

She’s dying now and her mind is going. She says she’s ready to meet the Lord, and I can only hope that between herself and Him, she’s made things right, although I’ve seen very little fruit speaking to that possibility. She talks the talk, but seeing her walk up close and in person, I’m left with more questions than answers about whether she really ever submitted to Christ. It just doesn’t show to me, and I probably know her better than anyone else. She’s left an enormous mess financially for my husband and I to cope with and she can no longer distract herself with spending sprees, so the bitterness caused by her life decisions have finally caught up with her and there’s no avoiding them now.

I guess from my perspective, when I see young woman who claim to be Christian but are living the most important aspects of their lives out in the way the rest of the world says is acceptable, it makes me very confused about what they really believe. I purposely waited for sex until marriage, chose a man with good morals and a good job and did everything in power to stay as far away from the hook-up culture as possible. I know the pain that comes from such foolish living. I can’t fathom why any Christian woman would engage in such foolish and selfish behavior as the ones I see doing this very thing today. They do not know what it means to know, serve and love Christ. They are too busy loving and serving themselves to see what a dangerous path they are traveling.

There are a couple more comments now.

Here’s an excerpt from one:

My mom was raised in a loving home with Christian parents and grew up very involved in church. My grandmother ran the Sunday school program for years. My other aunts and uncles led decent, moral, Christian lives. My mom wanted to do something more exciting. She was rebellious, plain and simple. She thought it was funny. If she had been raised in a situation that was equally as bad as the one she created, I could feel more sympathy. But she was raised differently than what she chose. I don’t understand it but I watched my own Christian friends do the same thing as a teen and young adult. It’s so perplexing to me. They’re raised in a stable Christian household and then choose the most unstable and reckless men because of the feelings those men inspired. I was the product of those feelings and knew from a young age I’d rather stay single and chaste the rest of my life than end up repeating the choices that my parents made.

And an excerpt from a later one:

I know it’s popular to say that any time someone makes bad choices, it’s because they are hurting and are acting out. But once you reach adulthood and have a child, you forfeit your right to make excuses for your behavior. You either change or you risk damaging the children you’ve been entrusted with.

Regarding WK’s comment about condoning her recklessness, I will say this. To my mom, any relationship that involved conflict was disposable. I know that other Christians tried to confront her, and she rejected them. She cut them out, no holds barred. If you didn’t agree, you were not a part of her circle. For those who were close, she was very adept at keeping secrets. Even I didn’t know the breadth of the destructiveness of certain aspects of her life until recently, I was her closest confidant. People who are desperate to keep secrets are typically fairly adept at doing so, at least for a while. Eventually it catches up, but often it’s far too late to do any real remediation. At that point it’s just a matter of salvaging what you can and trying to cope with the rest as best as possible.

[…]Bottom line: excuses or not, bad decisions create bad consequences and are generally pretty avoidable if you’re willing to be humble and submit to Christ, regardless of the circumstances. Helping people identify excuses does not help them avoid these consequences. Only by pointing out the truth, no matter the friction it might cause, can we help people on a bad path see the error of their ways and offer them any real hope.

That is a situation (text in bold) that I have experienced myself.

16 thoughts on “To protect children, we need to tell women to choose conservative, traditional men”

  1. Thank you, WK, for giving me a voice. This is the first time I’ve ever publicly shared any of my experience with my mom and I appreciate that you advocate for something that I’ve been so dramatically affected by and let me share my story.

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  2. I think many women dont choose conservative traditional men is because of the stereotype and they come off as boring.

    Lots of people that i know of when they hear conservative they automatically think, christian, white, maybe racist and Republican,however everyone on this planet can easily be associated with a stereotype i had to deal with being stereotype on several occasions.

    Now there is nothing wrong with a traditional guy but i think that what many traditional conservative men are lacking maybe the alpha attitude.

    From what i have read on your blog WK,and two others it seems like their are two types of men, the alpha and beta. Majority of what i am reading it seems that women who as you say rebel are choosing the wrong man which is mostly likely because they see something in that type of guy that they are seeing in a traditional conservative christian man.

    I knew a few conservative christian guys in high school and currently at my college but they mostly exhibit a beta attitude and most lack confidence. From the secular community many of the males lack morals and such but they have tons of confidence and have a more alpha attitude.

    Many woman mostly likely deep down inside want the traditional conservative male but they want him with the alpha-tude and not a beta, even in the animal kingdom the alpha male gains more respect than a beta or even an omega. I turned down plenty of guys who had morals because they lack confidence – its a big turn off. As for the males of the secular community who lacked morals i turned them down as well because they they didnt intrigue me mentally.

    Girls like guys with confidence, it is a stepping stone then add all that other stuff you discuss wk and you got yourself and winner. Same can go for women to in terms of being more presentable to a potential husband

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    1. I think you make a valid point, here, ChildofRa. Women are definitely (typically) attracted to confidence. When guys with bad morals have lots of confidence and guys with good morals are insecure, I think that many women will mistake the first one as being the more “manly” man.

      It’s an unfortunate mistake and highlights the importance of teaching both men and women how to choose spouses wisely and why it’s important to not just “follow your heart” (or your hormones!).

      I know many churches require premarital counseling before marriage, but to me it seems like that’s almost too late. By the time a couple is engaged, even if they’re not compatible, it seems unlikely that they’ll call the whole thing off when they’re already invested in the relationship, especially if they’re sexually involved. On top of that, they’ve been fed the idea that God can fix anything and undo whatever mistakes you might make and so even if it’s a mistake, they’ll just deal with it later.

      I think courses on how to choose a godly, good spouse would be excellent offerings for churches, but of course one wonders how many people would willingly attend or actually listen. However, it’s teaching that is desperately needed.

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      1. I’m really annoyed by the fixation on confidence. Men need to be measured for the roles that a father and husband does. You judge ability based on past performance, education, interest, etc. A man who is confident that he can pay the bills with no resume and no education is not likely to be able do so by being confident that he can. But a man who is very aware of the national debt, inflation, etc. and is therefore cautious and does not make promises is actually more qualified – if he has the resume and the bank account to back up his modest claims.

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        1. He can be like that but would still be unattractive to a potential wife if he has low self esteem or confidence. You would court a woman who has all the qualities of a wife but lack confidence in her-self or had low self esteem? Nobody wants that, hafe confidence will have an impact on everything a person does

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        2. WK,

          I understand what you are saying. That is the way things should be. But your attitude is not realistic or practical. Almost all strong Christian girls start with attraction and being a good provider does not attract them.

          Therefore, in order to spark attraction with a strong Christian girl you need to exhibit confidence, masculinity, physical strength, and cocky funny attitude. Most Christian girls dread being with a dull, serious guy. Look at the first 35 seconds of this video with Debi Pearl and a young woman who wants to get married. The young women, Kirsten, is viscerally repulsed by the thought of being with a steady guy.

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        3. I can understand your point, but I think it’s important to understand from a woman’s point of view, a man who is good at the things you describe, but lacks confidence will have a hard time inspiring trust in a woman. And by confidence, I don’t mean cockiness, just to be clear. A man who understands the world around him and has a godly worldview, works hard, walks with his head held high and can speak up and stick to his guns when necessary is very attractive to women who are looking for a good, Christian man. Men who are confident inspire trust and this is why it’s so important for women to understand that just because a guy is confident doesn’t mean he’s trustworthy. Men who are trustworthy, but lack confidence, can take this piece of information and use it to their advantage when looking for a spouse.

          My husband was very much like this (godly and confident) when I first met him and I admit it took about a year of knowing and observing him for it to click with me that he was in fact just the kind of man I wanted and needed. I was so used to guys who were pushovers, who said what they thought I wanted to hear and never stuck their necks out, that I had a hard time recognizing godly confidence when I saw it. Once I realized what a catch he was, things moved very quickly and we were married within less than a year.

          As much as women have the responsibility to put more forethought into their decisions about who to marry and procreate with, Christian men also have a role to play in the game. Unfortunately, the church as a whole has done such a good job of stripping men of their masculinity, it’s no wonder there is a lack of raw confidence among them. This really is a two-sided problem with both men and women coming to the table ill prepared to attract one another and develop godly marriages as a result.

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      2. A church will probably reach some, not all but even with that few there is a better chance for an even better future

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  3. Confidence : full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing:

    2.
    belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance:

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    1. I’ve been a timid guy most of my life. I’ve always wanted to meet a great girl and get married. Last year I really started wondering why I wasn’t meeting girls, in a relationship and not married. The easiest thing to do is to blame the world, the second blame a bad generation of women (which is partly to blame) but the hardest thing to do is really reflect where I was. Long story short, I ended up really delving into becoming a man, and how that happens. I can tell you confidence doesn’t mean arrogance, it means not expecting results. Wanting, but not expecting results. Doing something nice because that’s who you are and not secretly holding somebody to a contract they didn’t agree to. Think of it as I scratch your back, now you HAVE to scratch mine. In my change I’ve noticed a lot of growth (I’d consider myself in recovery) and it really is brightening the world and showing me I have a lot more potential and capability than with the previous mindset.

      Let me ask you this: Would you follow a lieutenant into battle if you knew his decisions were made without confidence in himself? When you listen or watch a debate, is the winner confident or secure in their talking points? Not saying confidence rules the debate, but it at least removes the question: does this person really believe what they’re saying?

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      1. Exactly! This is great. I think you summed up nicely what I was thinking but didn’t explain as well.

        Good for you on your growth, too. I’m sincerely happy for you!

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      2. No i wouldnt follow a lieutenant into battle if he lacked confidence.

        I do lack confidence at times and it does show and pour into other aspects of my life. I do want to be married have 4 kids-that is it. However where i live i do see many prospects for husband material

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  4. Responding to your blog post title – it’s not going to work. Even if you told those women to choose good Christian/traditional/conservative men, they’re:
    1. Not going to be able to identify a good man
    2. Even if they can do (1), they won’t be attracted to a good man.

    And on the off chance that those women can, in fact, do (1) and (2), the men aren’t going to reciprocate that attraction.

    Telling them to choose good men only addresses the symptom. It’s a deeper heart issue that requires repentance, salvation, and growth as they follow the Word. From that, everything else falls into place. You’ll have good women who are not only attracted to good men, but are able to attract good men.

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