More and more women are asking why they can’t find a good man to marry

Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?
Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?

In the last few months, I’ve met 5 different Christian women in their 30s who all asked me the same question: where are all the good men who want to marry me?

Christian men’s rights blogger Dalrock had two different posts where he described the answer to this question.

Here is the first post from Dalrock that concisely illustrates the problem:

As I wrote in A very long season, feminists don’t want to waste a day more of their youth and fertility on their husbands than absolutely necessary. As if to prove this very point, 30 year old Mona Chalabi writes in the NY Times* I Want My 2.3 Bonus Years:

If I could prolong my time as a young adult by, say, 2.3 years, here is a list of things I would like to do:

• Go to more parties. Preferably wild parties that I can think about, years later, at mild parties.

[…]• Have more romantic partners.

[…]• Get a bit higher up the career ladder a bit earlier on. That would probably boost my earnings, giving me more financial security. I could use that money to go to more parties, get a membership to a fancy gym and maybe even meet a romantic partner on the ab machines.

To drive the message home, the image at the top of the article is a cartoon of a resentful Chalabi giving her future husband the side eye for her lost years of sampling penises!

Surely, this must be an isolated case just for New York Times feminists, right? It’s not widespread, is it?

Second post from Dalrock:

Margaret Wente at the Globe and Mail* asks where all the good men have gone.  Wente comes to the conclusion that women need a sex cartel:

…it’s up to us to make the rules. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” my father used to say. It drove me crazy when he said that. Now, it’s dawned on me that he was right.

Since the women’s cartel collapsed, women’s bargaining power has seriously eroded. That’s why so many single women hate Tinder, which has further commodified sex for the benefit of men. Women are just another consumer good in the shop window.

The apex fallacy aside, Wente is partially right.  Women (as a group) have signaled to men that what they really want are exciting sexy badboys, not boring loyal dudes. It isn’t that women no longer want to marry beta providers, they just don’t want to waste a day more of their youth and fertility on their husband than absolutely necessary.

As a result, some up and coming boring loyal dudes aren’t knocking themselves out in their twenties while they wait for their future wife to tire of having sex with other men.

If you wonder why men are no longer performing in school, and exchanging careers for video games, the answer is simple. Men have realized that young women today, under the influence of feminism, are not interested in traditional husbands during their late teens and 20s. During these years, women are interested in travel, fun, drinking, hook-ups and cohabitation with amoral atheists. This is what I have personally observed. In the minds of young women, the highest value men are good-looking men who have no religion, and make no moral judgments, and are left of center politically – especially on abortion.

There are actually many other men who don’t meet this standard – marriage-minded men – who want to get married young and have children. But when these men see what young women really want, they just give up on school and work, since doing the traditional male roles has no value to young women. Many good men even give up on morality and Christianity, because they want a relationship with a woman so badly. They know that women don’t want marriage-minded men when women are youngest and prettiest.

More from second post:

What Wente doesn’t understand is that timing is everything.  From an economic point of view, women are dividing up sexual access that traditionally would have been reserved only for their husband into two blocks.  The first block contains their most attractive and fertile years, and it is dedicated to no strings sex with exciting badboys.  Then, once women reach what Rollo calls the epiphany phase, they want to bargain sexual access in their remaining (older and less fertile) years for maximum beta bucks.

The problem with this strategy is (generally speaking) not that the previously overlooked beta men will refuse to marry the suddenly reformed party girls.  The problem is that young men now look at the men 3-5 (and even 5-10) years older than them and don’t see an indication that signaling provider status will make them attractive to women.  They also see a society that holds married fathers in contempt**.  Most of these men are still working hard in their late teens and twenties to prepare to signal provider status in their 30s.  But a growing minority of young men are no longer doing so.  These men are instead working like women.  Once the reformed party girls are ready to find Mr. Beta Bucks, there is a shortage of 30 something men who fit the bill.  Even worse, no amount of complaining or shaming will cause the missing beta providers to go back in time and spend the prior decade preparing for this moment.

I’m one of the last men who followed the marriage-preparedness script for traditional men who wanted to marry and have four children and have a stay-at-home homeschooling mom to raise them from birth to graduate school. I find myself now in my mid-40s, with a 6-figure income and a 7-figure net worth. I never used my success to play the field with hot bad girls. I wanted to keep my sexual past completely clean for my eventual wife. However, what I observed in my late teens and 20s and even early 30s was a complete lack of interest in marriage ability, from non-Christian women and Christian women alike. Christian women aren’t learning to value early marriage from their married parents or their evangelical churches. None of the traditional husband skills are valued by young women, i.e. – chastity, gapless resume, alcohol abstinence, undergraduate and graduate STEM degrees, experience nurturing and mentoring others, stewardship of earned income.

I recently caused an uproar on my Facebook page by saying that even if the perfect woman showed up right now to marry me, I would not pursue her because the critical time where the woman could have applied maximum youth, beauty and fertility as a wife to make an impact on my education, early career, health, and finances has passed. A younger woman develops value to her husband precisely by applying herself to him and to her family in these critical early years. Men who have experienced this self-sacrificial love and support are loyal to their wives even after their wives lose their youth and beauty. Why? Because the men know that they are much better than they could have been, having enjoyed that early investment of value made by their young wives.

Young women very supportive of premarital sex
Young women very supportive of premarital sex

As Christian writer Matt Walsh notes in a recent article at the Daily Wire, this “follow your heart” focus on happiness in women is lethal to marital stability, and men know it.

Excerpt:

There was an article in Cosmo this week with a title that summarizes all that’s wrong with Cosmo and modern society as a whole: “I eloped at 25, divorced at 26, and dated my way across Europe all summer.” Of course, by “dated my way across Europe” she means that she slept with half the continent.

The author, Elise, says she “started fighting” with her husband and within a few months they both decided that their differences were irreconcilable. Despite counseling, she says, “neither of us was happy.” So, exhausted from 12 whole months of marriage, Elise embarked on a voyage of self-discovery and STD cultivation. She met random dudes in half a dozen countries and had sex with them, learning quite a lot as she went, though she can’t really explain what exactly she learned or why sex was a necessary component in learning it. Finally, she came home and started dating some other guy. The end.

Well, not really the end. 20 years from now I’m sure we’ll get the follow up article: “I’m alone and miserable and it’s everyone’s fault but mine.” After all, you may be able to fill the emptiness in your soul with frivolous sex when you’re young and physically desirable, but that phase is fleeting. People who don’t want to “waste” their beauty and youth on a spouse, so they waste it instead on strangers who don’t love them or even care what happens to them tomorrow, will be shocked when a tomorrow comes where even strangers aren’t interested anymore. This is where the single-minded, utterly selfish pursuit of “happiness” at all costs inevitably leads: to rejection, despair, and a quiet, unnoticed death on a lonely hospital bed.

As Elise helpfully demonstrated, “do what makes you happy” is poison in a marriage. Many a vow has been broken because one or both partners decide to chase “happiness” instead of commitment, fidelity, and love. “I deserve to be happy,” reports the legion of serial divorcees, as they drift on to the next spouse, and the next, and the next, and the next, looking for the one — the one, finally — who might cure the misery they’ve inflicted on themselves. Increasingly unhappy, yet increasingly convinced that they deserve to be.

And this follow your heart to happiness situation is alive and well in the church today. Marriage-minded Christian men who have prepared for husband roles are surprised to find that there is often little or no difference between Elise and the Christian women the church produces. Christian men who desire to invest in a marriage that is stable, productive and influential have nowhere to turn for a wife who is able and willing to help. In my experience, the problem with happiness-focused women who delay marriage is never discussed in churches from the pulpit. The “good men to marry” that today’s 30-something women are looking for were plentiful back when those same women were in their early-to-mid 20s.

21 thoughts on “More and more women are asking why they can’t find a good man to marry”

  1. Maybe the folks in the 1700s to 1800s had something when many men would would focus on their career (be it farming or becoming a master carpenter or some other trade) in their younger years and then once they were established would find a younger woman who would be able to give him children and run his household.

    I know in some parts of the US (because of church or because they are from small towns and the countryside and were raised with that expectation), there’s not much difficulty in finding young women who want to marry young.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. To add to this I cringe whenever I hear pastors insinuate that women are essentially flawless and if women do sin that it’s the man/husband’s fault. I cannot describe how much I hate that.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Agreed. And when women absorb this way of playing the victim, blaming others, and calling for pastors to blame men, it’s very unattractive to marriage-minded men. I am not interested in having a marriage where the woman rules, and the church shames me for trying to lead.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, you told me about that before and I read it. It’s not just the sex though, it’s the time. If a woman is chasing men who won’t commit in her prime years, then she’s not investing in her husband. Good providers benefit from that early investment by a wife.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Somehow, I had assumed you were a young man, not a middle-aged man (like me). I respect you for your decision. I have heard it (in the secular manosphere) expressed this way: “if the kitten didn’t want me, then I don’t want the cat.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly. It’s very annoying to me that women today think that marriage consists of doing what they want in your youth, then demanding a good man they never prepared for.
      Men are not obligated to marry women because the woman wants it. We get to have our own plan, and pick someone who can support us. If no one wants to be available when the work is actually being done, then that’s not the man’s problem.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Some more thoughts.
    If I had to guess, many women who do this (the Sex in the City lifestyle) probably rationalize it by assuming that each of these casual hookups or short term relationships is going to be “Mr. Right” and lead to marriage. Women are particularly good at rationalization (yes, men can rationalize too). I don’t imagine most of them explicitly tell themselves at the time that they’re going to have sex with as many hot guys as possible and then snag a beta-male provider when the ride’s over. One problem is that it’s easy to rationalize when something is enjoyable (as I’m sure sex with hot guys is for young women). It’s particularly disturbing that the Churches don’t see through this but most of them are essentially social clubs.
    This isn’t necessarily in response to anything you wrote and it is neither a defense of women nor an attack on women.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They think they are gaining experience and it will make them better, not realizing that sleeping with hot guys will make them resent the solid boring provider they eventually settle for… This is where the sex-withholding and divorce epidemic comes from.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. If I were a young Christian man, I would definitely limit my potential choices to a homeschooled woman who had demonstrated some significant evidence of being uncomfortable for Christ – like going to the murder mills or pedophilia grooming shows (Drag Queen Story Hours) or something like that.

    Those would be minimum requirements.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think if they could just think about marriage as an enterprise for serving God, then they would care about men’s character and needs, and prepare themselves for wife and mother roles. But if marriage is just seen as another commodity for feeling good and looking good, then they won’t be able to get men interested in that.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This brings to mind how apt the metaphor of being yoked together in marriage is: a yoke is for oxen to pull the plow. The oxen aren’t chilling in a field grazing, but working to plant a harvest. Just like we are supposed to.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I agree. You know, if people just thought that marriage is a way of making a difference in the world, then they would immediately be more serious about who they want to partner with.

          Imagine people who get married to a non-Christian, and then try to have a Christian influence or raise Christian kids. So hard!

          Liked by 1 person

  6. In the last few months, I’ve met 5 different Christian women in their 30s who all asked me the same question: where are all the good men who want to marry me?

    Another major part of the problem along with promiscuity and pursuing happiness is that feminism convinces women they are the head of the marriage and men are either the butt of the joke, the help or her golden parachute. If the Christian woman haven’t found their ‘happy wife. happy life’ husband…they start to lament where have all the good men gone? Most men fundamentally understand marriage as they are the head of it but begin to ask ‘why bother’ if she thinks she’s the head.

    When men spend their time growing up as either the butt of emasculating jokes, the promiscuous cad, or shamed any time he displays masculinity…of course they aren’t going to be marriage material either and start to ask….’what’s the point’?

    Like

  7. Instead of looking for the right person, why not concentrate on being the right person?

    Then, married or single, your life will be honoring to God.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Zero sympathy for them. Apparently they didn’t consider every action has an equal and opposite reaction. After fifty years of war on men, this result should have been obvious. Yet, do they stop that war? No, and they only care because now it’s affecting them, not because they care about men.

    Not my concern, not my problem.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What’s taking place in America is a form of spiritual cuckoldry that extends from the realm of thoughts to the realm of the flesh.

    I’ve heard this white female pastor in Detroit who preaches that premarital sex is ok with consent. I am like what!?

    It just gave me a clue as to why Apostle Paul was annoyed by women of the Corinthian church, maybe because they might have been doing something like the above.. and that could have ticked him off.

    Liked by 1 person

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