I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease in May 2004 at the end of my Junior year of high school. Crohn’s is an autoimmune disease and mine happens to be in my terminal ileum at the end of my small intestine. When I first went to the emergency room seven years ago I felt like someone had reached into my gut and started twisting my organs around while I was digesting glass. It was, and is, extremely painful and nauseating. It was about the sixth day in the hospital when the doctor diagnosed me. I wept once he left the room because I knew that this had ruined my life dreams of serving in the U.S. Army as an intelligence analyst. Well, seven years later I can look at this disease and honestly say that it has been one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me.
I’ve had a flare up (reoccurrence) about once a year since I was first diagnosed. I refused long-term medication for a while since it started out as a mild case and medication wouldn’t allow me to join the Army. I graduated high school and took a year off before going to college so I could work with the Army and doctors so I could enlist. My attempts fell short and I could not overturn or appeal my medical disqualification. It had been my dream since I was a young child. I have a very patriotic family and both of my grandfathers served. My mother’s father was an NCO in the U.S. Air Force around the Korean War and worked with nuclear bombs. My father’s father was an officer in the U.S. Navy and served on the U.S.S. Dauphin. I felt it was my duty to serve my country. I excelled in J.R.O.T.C. in high school as the Battalion Commander, the leader of over 250 other cadets and I was one of the most decorated (if not the most decorated) cadets in the school’s history. I studied government until my second semester sophomore year of college. I knew then that I was called to something greater; I knew that God had a specific purpose for me and his purpose was greater than anything I could have planned for. I then became an undergraduate biblical studies student and I’m now a philosophy graduate student. However, these are peripheral details that resulted from my Crohn’s. The blessing is so much greater than any classes I’ve ever taken.
God used Crohn’s to alter the course of my life. This one event was a catalyst for so many changes. Since getting Crohn’s I have gotten saved. Since being saved I started asking myself the deeper questions of life and existence, which led me to study philosophy. My relationship with God continually grows and I think about God throughout the entire day. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about God or ask him questions about him and existence. God has used Crohn’s as a means to demonstrate my purpose in life. Well, it’s not so much that I know my meta-purpose, so to speak, but it’s a way that God has shown me that I do have purpose and meaning. When I think about the way my life would have been without Crohn’s I don’t believe I would appreciate my existence and God’s work as much as I do now; because of that I have no problem believing Crohn’s is a gift from God.
Please read the whole post, there’s more to it. It shows you how Christians think about suffering in a completely different way from non-Christians. We think that suffering can be valuable if a person endures it well and learns from it.
It is a very dark time in my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. About three or four weeks ago I changed.
[…]All I can say is that I have had some sort of mental breakdown. My strength is gone. Depression? Certainly. Anxiety? Definitely. Fighting with the Lord? Most assuredly. All I know is that I broke a few weeks ago and I don’t know how to fix myself. All of the advice that I have given to broken people over the years is now pointed back at me and I realize how empty it can be.
Why? I don’t know. I wish I did. I have spent the last few weeks obsessing with how to get “me” back. I have analyzed every possible turn. God seems to have gone AWOL and I can’t get in touch with him other than through the cold hard facts. Facts are facts. They are nice, but I am coming to realize how much I need his presence in other ways. He has not been seen in this neck of the woods in quit some time.
I am sometimes not in the best of spirits, but then I always fall back on my arguments and facts. I always thought that the facts would protect me, and they always have – from everything. Now I laugh at God when he lets bad things happen to me. I’m like “yeah, good one. You got me. So what do you want this time? More church? Or more prayer? More Bible reading? More donations?” I actually thank God for not trying to get my attention by going after my health or something more central to me. I am surprised that the facts failed Patton.
On the other hand, I understand why he feels depressed, because he and I have the same notion of what causes depression.
He says this:
My family was strong and they were all following you. Now everyone that I loved so dearly and saw you in is either dead, mentally incapacitated, doubting, or depressed. Some have three of the four. It is so dark at mom’s house. It used to be so wonderful. You were there. And my ministry: it was a joy I turned to so often and found you when you were gone in other places. For years you had surprise moves that energized my spirit with your presence. Now you have left the building here as well. I have come to the point where I am timid and insecure. The mandate that I had is gone.
I agree with this. It is extremely challenging to continue to do the right thing when God doesn’t seem to be supporting you. What is happening to him could happen to me, and I wish him a speedy recovery. But I do have some comments and I want to express them below, with humility.
My thoughts
My view of Christianity has always been consistent with being a secret agent. When things go wrong, your government abandons you and disowns you. My view of the Christian life has always been like that. Even the Father turned away from the Son when the Son was doing his duty on the Cross, atoning for the sins of the whole world. So a good Christian like Patton can do all the right things, but because people have free will, and natural evil happens, things may not work out – and that is OK. So, I have really low expectations.
For me, the Christian life is like the old spy series Mission Impossible.
Most episodes begin with the leader of the IMF getting orders from a hidden tape recorder and an envelope of photos and information which explains the mission. The tape always begins with “Good Morning Mr. Phelps/Briggs”, explains the situation, and ends with “Your mission, should you decide to accept it”, with a brief explanation of the goal of the mission, along with a reminder that “as always, should you or any of your IM force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”
I don’t expect anything – I just do my job, and try to bleed as little as possible on God’s rug when my teeth get kicked in. I think that something idealistic died in me a long time ago when I first realized that doing the right thing gets you killed. It got Jesus killed. He was without sin, yet the Father would not save him from his duty to obey. So what’s the problem? This life doesn’t work. You can do the right thing, but there are no guarantees. We need to realize that the story of Jesus doesn’t turn happy until after he dies.
This intro to the movie Casino Royale makes my point in a cool way:
13 Furious with rage, Nebuchadnezzar summoned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. So these men were brought before the king,
14 and Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up?
15 Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”
16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.
17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.
18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
I think that Patton shows us that even the best Christians have a breaking point. I’m probably not as strong as he is – and he certainly attempts more for the Lord than I do, but I try to avoid exposing myself to threats. It’s best not to be overconfident about your limitations. Instead, live in a way so that you can stand your ground when God withdraws his support.
So here’s my advice. Save your money, don’t spend it on fun stuff. Make financial investments. Don’t take risks unless it’s for the Kingdom. Be careful to avoid sin. Don’t attempt to do more than you can handle. Don’t make poor decisions and hope to be bailed out by God. Run your faith like a business – think everything through the best you can, objectively. Focus on truth when building your worldview – not feelings. Find out how everything in life works so you aren’t surprised. Don’t believe that you can sin and escape the damage – you can’t, even if God forgives you. Tell your friends the truth, and teach them apologetics so that they can stand with you. Keep in mind that Satan is real and would love to crush your plans, and you with them. Be careful. Be prepared.
We all need to encourage one another intentionally – as if our lives depended on it. There’s a war on, soldier. Look out for the man next to you, and train him to be able to look out for you.
My favorite lecture of all time
Now may be a good time to point you all to the lecture that changed my life: Dr. Walter Bradley’s “Giants in the Land”.
Dr. Walter L. Bradley
Ph.D. in Materials Science, University of Texas at Austin, 1968
B.S. in Engineering Science, University of Texas at Austin, 1965
WINTERY KNIGHT 