More and more women are asking why they can’t find a good man to marry

Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?
Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?

In the last few months, I’ve met 5 different Christian women in their 30s who all asked me the same question: where are all the good men who want to marry me?

Christian men’s rights blogger Dalrock had two different posts where he described the answer to this question.

Here is the first post from Dalrock that concisely illustrates the problem:

As I wrote in A very long season, feminists don’t want to waste a day more of their youth and fertility on their husbands than absolutely necessary. As if to prove this very point, 30 year old Mona Chalabi writes in the NY Times* I Want My 2.3 Bonus Years:

If I could prolong my time as a young adult by, say, 2.3 years, here is a list of things I would like to do:

• Go to more parties. Preferably wild parties that I can think about, years later, at mild parties.

[…]• Have more romantic partners.

[…]• Get a bit higher up the career ladder a bit earlier on. That would probably boost my earnings, giving me more financial security. I could use that money to go to more parties, get a membership to a fancy gym and maybe even meet a romantic partner on the ab machines.

To drive the message home, the image at the top of the article is a cartoon of a resentful Chalabi giving her future husband the side eye for her lost years of sampling penises!

Surely, this must be an isolated case just for New York Times feminists, right? It’s not widespread, is it?

Second post from Dalrock:

Margaret Wente at the Globe and Mail* asks where all the good men have gone.  Wente comes to the conclusion that women need a sex cartel:

…it’s up to us to make the rules. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” my father used to say. It drove me crazy when he said that. Now, it’s dawned on me that he was right.

Since the women’s cartel collapsed, women’s bargaining power has seriously eroded. That’s why so many single women hate Tinder, which has further commodified sex for the benefit of men. Women are just another consumer good in the shop window.

The apex fallacy aside, Wente is partially right.  Women (as a group) have signaled to men that what they really want are exciting sexy badboys, not boring loyal dudes. It isn’t that women no longer want to marry beta providers, they just don’t want to waste a day more of their youth and fertility on their husband than absolutely necessary.

As a result, some up and coming boring loyal dudes aren’t knocking themselves out in their twenties while they wait for their future wife to tire of having sex with other men.

If you wonder why men are no longer performing in school, and exchanging careers for video games, the answer is simple. Men have realized that young women today, under the influence of feminism, are not interested in traditional husbands during their late teens and 20s. During these years, women are interested in travel, fun, drinking, hook-ups and cohabitation with amoral atheists. This is what I have personally observed. In the minds of young women, the highest value men are good-looking men who have no religion, and make no moral judgments, and are left of center politically – especially on abortion. There are many good men who are romantic about women from their youth, and want to get married. But when they see what young women really want, they just give up on school and work, since doing the traditional male roles has no value to young women. Many good men even give up on morality and Christianity because they want a relationship with a woman so badly.

More from second post:

What Wente doesn’t understand is that timing is everything.  From an economic point of view, women are dividing up sexual access that traditionally would have been reserved only for their husband into two blocks.  The first block contains their most attractive and fertile years, and it is dedicated to no strings sex with exciting badboys.  Then, once women reach what Rollo calls the epiphany phase, they want to bargain sexual access in their remaining (older and less fertile) years for maximum beta bucks.

The problem with this strategy is (generally speaking) not that the previously overlooked beta men will refuse to marry the suddenly reformed party girls.  The problem is that young men now look at the men 3-5 (and even 5-10) years older than them and don’t see an indication that signaling provider status will make them attractive to women.  They also see a society that holds married fathers in contempt**.  Most of these men are still working hard in their late teens and twenties to prepare to signal provider status in their 30s.  But a growing minority of young men are no longer doing so.  These men are instead working like women.  Once the reformed party girls are ready to find Mr. Beta Bucks, there is a shortage of 30 something men who fit the bill.  Even worse, no amount of complaining or shaming will cause the missing beta providers to go back in time and spend the prior decade preparing for this moment.

I’m one of the last men who followed the marriage-preparedness script for traditional men who wanted to marry and have four children and have a stay-at-home homeschooling mom to raise them from birth to graduate school. I find myself now in my early 40s, with a 6-figure income and a nearly 7-figure net worth. I declined to use those assets to play the field with hot bad girls, preferring instead to keep my sexual past completely clean for my eventual wife. However, what I observed in my late teens and 20s and even early 30s was a complete lack of interest in marriage ability, from non-Christian women and Christian women alike. Christian women aren’t learning to value early marriage from their married parents or their evangelical churches. None of the traditional husband skills are valued by young women, i.e. – chastity, gapless resume, alcohol abstinence, undergraduate and graduate STEM degrees, experience nurturing and mentoring others, stewardship of earned income.

I recently caused an uproar on my Facebook page by saying that even if the perfect woman showed up right now to marry me, I would not pursue her because the critical time where the woman could have applied maximum youth, beauty and fertility as a wife to make an impact on my education, early career, health, and finances has passed. A younger woman develops value to her husband precisely by applying herself to him and to her family in these critical early years. Men who have experienced this self-sacrificial love and support are loyal to their wives even after their wives lose their youth and beauty. Why? Because the men know that they are much better than they could have been, having enjoyed that early investment of value made by their young wives.

Young women very supportive of premarital sex
Young women very supportive of premarital sex

As Christian writer Matt Walsh notes in a recent article at the Daily Wire, this “follow your heart” focus on happiness in women is lethal to marital stability, and men know it.

Excerpt:

There was an article in Cosmo this week with a title that summarizes all that’s wrong with Cosmo and modern society as a whole: “I eloped at 25, divorced at 26, and dated my way across Europe all summer.” Of course, by “dated my way across Europe” she means that she slept with half the continent.

The author, Elise, says she “started fighting” with her husband and within a few months they both decided that their differences were irreconcilable. Despite counseling, she says, “neither of us was happy.” So, exhausted from 12 whole months of marriage, Elise embarked on a voyage of self-discovery and STD cultivation. She met random dudes in half a dozen countries and had sex with them, learning quite a lot as she went, though she can’t really explain what exactly she learned or why sex was a necessary component in learning it. Finally, she came home and started dating some other guy. The end.

Well, not really the end. 20 years from now I’m sure we’ll get the follow up article: “I’m alone and miserable and it’s everyone’s fault but mine.” After all, you may be able to fill the emptiness in your soul with frivolous sex when you’re young and physically desirable, but that phase is fleeting. People who don’t want to “waste” their beauty and youth on a spouse, so they waste it instead on strangers who don’t love them or even care what happens to them tomorrow, will be shocked when a tomorrow comes where even strangers aren’t interested anymore. This is where the single-minded, utterly selfish pursuit of “happiness” at all costs inevitably leads: to rejection, despair, and a quiet, unnoticed death on a lonely hospital bed.

As Elise helpfully demonstrated, “do what makes you happy” is poison in a marriage. Many a vow has been broken because one or both partners decide to chase “happiness” instead of commitment, fidelity, and love. “I deserve to be happy,” reports the legion of serial divorcees, as they drift on to the next spouse, and the next, and the next, and the next, looking for the one — the one, finally — who might cure the misery they’ve inflicted on themselves. Increasingly unhappy, yet increasingly convinced that they deserve to be.

And this follow your heart to happiness situation is alive and well in the church today. Marriage-minded Christian men who have prepared for husband roles are surprised to find that there is often little or no difference between Elise and the Christian women the church produces. Christian men who desire to invest in a marriage that is stable, productive and influential have nowhere to turn for a wife who is able and willing to help. In my experience, the problem with happiness-focused women who delay marriage is never discussed in churches from the pulpit. The “good men to marry” that today’s 30-something women are looking for were plentiful back when those same women were in their early-to-mid 20s.

22 thoughts on “More and more women are asking why they can’t find a good man to marry”

  1. Perhaps…

    Women (feminist) should consider being a Lady first with Etiquette Manners and Grace

    …and toss into that a bit of a Marilyn Monroe Style

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The problem is… If the women of the last generation did t choose men who would be good fathers, then who is there to lead the daughter of today? Honestly, where is a young woan today supposed to go to get reliable advice on what to do in order to get where she wants to be in the future?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good question. Maybe an elderly couple at the church? It’s like we have to reset as a church culture to “return to normalcy.”

        Like

  2. I’m just glad I had my drink down when I read your opener:

    “In the last few months, I’ve met 5 different Christian women in their 30s who all asked me the same question: where are all the good men who want to marry me?”

    Hahaha!

    Like

      1. The Wheaton story was perhaps the most disturbing. That school was once Christian – WLC graduated from there!

        Like

  3. Even saying they don’t want to waste their youth on husband shows they are the ones far from marriage state. To be good in a marriage you must believe in caring for how your partner feels. Making them happy should please you. Intentionally making them hurt should in no way bring you pleasure.

    Thinking only fun for yourself is what matters means your relationship won’t last

    Like

    1. Yeah, it’s amazing. What I’ve discovered by interviewing women, and this will be shocking for you as a man, is that young unmarried feminists don’t see marriage as a relationship with a man. They see a man the same way they see a handbag. It’s an accessory to her life, that is meant to make her feel good and look good. Dr. Laura makes this point in her book on the The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

      She says:

      “But one big problem men have with opening up to their wives is that the consequences are often unpleasant, something I saw often in marital counseling sessions when I was in private practice. The wife would badger the poor, hapless fellow into revealing some feeling, then she’d pounce on it with a vengeance, accusing him of being completely wrong (with a feeling?), insensitive, stupid, mean, and so on. That scene has risen to the level of justifiable stereotype. It got to the point where I would say in interviews that women only care about the feelings of their men when those feelings don’t threaten them in any way (as in he “feels” she ignores him and spends all her time with her kids and being on the phone with her mother) or compliment them. Most wives don’t really want to have to deal with their husbands’ feelings, they just want to know that their husbands have positive feelings about them and that they feel for them, and so forth.Any other feelings of their husbands, which may not be pleasant for the wives to face or may be inconvenient to have to deal with, are generally squashed. Admit it. It’s true. Many women are stuck in the “There shalt be no feelings before mine” mode. It’s a selfcentered position that has to be confronted and struggled with if there is to be any real compassion for the husband.

      Glen’s complaint was right on target: “Every authority in interpersonal relations says if you have a problem with your spouse, confront them with it.Talk to them and let them know how you feel.Whenever I try this, my wife responds with a very clear explanation of why I should not feel this way. She will share with me every reason why I am wrong to think the problem has anything to do with her! After thirty-five years of marriage, she cannot understand why I close myself up in my study and avoid any substantive discussion with her, why I don’t share my feelings with her. I am not an idiot. I am a retired educator, with a thirty-year career behind me, who has, over time, been shrunken to a level of insignificance that is crippling. I have loved my wife, raised three kids to adulthood with her, and have been completely faithful to her. Our lives would be so much better if she could listen and actually hear me rather than contemplate her ‘defense’ as I speak.” How painfully sad his letter was. All too often men will not speak because their wives will not let them say what they, the wives, don’t want to hear. So the husbands are shut out.”

      When men think of marriage, we think “I don’t want you to have so much trouble in your life, and I want to work to provide for you so that you don’t have troubles. And I want to care for you so you don’t feel unloved and unworthy”. That’s how men think about women – we don’t want to leave them alone to fend for themselves, we want to lead them and protect them.

      If you haven’t read Dr. Laura’s book, you really should. She has a very pro-men and pro-marriage view that seems to have disappeared from the culture in the last 20 years. Older married women knew all about men and marriage, but the younger generation of little feminists doesn’t know a thing. I think that’s why they’re so oversexed – they don’t know how to appeal to men except with sex.

      Like

      1. After reading that, you might just wish to thank God for your unmarried state, WK.

        That is not at all an unusual situation – I have seen it with MANY couples composed of “good” men and women.

        I am beginning to see the 4-D chess in your impossible test for women. :-)

        Like

      2. Your comment brings to mind a cartoon that Warren Farrell used in his book “Why Men Are The Way They Are”: a woman is talking to a man who has turned away from her, and she is saying “I’d wish that you’d open up to me again; I need more ammunition”.

        Like

  4. These 30 something single women aren’t looking in the right places. They need to look for men in their late 40’s or early 50’s.

    Like

    1. These women won’t do that (unless the man is wealthy, of course) — for one thing, the feminists now frown on it; for another, their narcissism and overblown pride won’t let them.
      Besides, any man with any sense won’t consider these harpies as good for anything more than P&D (if that — and in these days of #Metoo, that’s a BIG ‘if’).
      The ironic thing is that it was these women who ‘made their bed’; I have no sympathy for them whatsoever that they have to sleep in it alone.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The funny thing (‘funny” in both the ‘strange’ and ‘humorous’ sense) about these ‘modern women’ who supposedly want a ‘Good Man’ to marry them (but only when they no longer have anything whatsoever to offer a husband, of course) is proof of what they’re actually looking for is NOT a husband, but a future EX-husband — and all of the ‘cash and prizes’ that Family Court will extort from the poor sucker.
    “Can you say ‘Alpha f*cks/Beta bucks’? Sure, I knew you could.”
    Too bad for these harpies that the Red Pill is spreading through the male population faster than the news of the latest #Metoo false accusation.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Fred states a valid point, and one that reflects my sentiments exactly. Those somewhat decent young single women remaining should seriously consider older gentlemen. I’m not referring to the highly touted sugar daddy dynamic, but those younger and successful single women who want something other than pasty-faced basement dwellers and the proverbial man-babies I’ve personally witnessed so pervasive in this younger generation of men. I recently read an article that sited that 1/3 of the millennial women they surveyed preferred, or would consider, dating a man over twice their age in lieu of the abysmal dating pool of millennial men their ages. Further, I don’t buy all this beta-bucks/beta-orbiter/white knight diatribe from these self-proclaimed online Red Pill men. I mean if a man, upon reaching middle age, can’t quickly spot a gold digger or sugar baby, then he might as well sit on the sidelines. I’m 60, not some old slob, never married, work two jobs to earn a modest middle-class living, and was content to just live as such. My 31 year old married niece has a circle of single girlfriends in their late 20s-early 30s. All are successful, slender, attractive, feminine, and for the most part ambivalent to feminism. My niece introduced me to my now 28 year old girlfriend. She’s Armenian decent from immigrant parents, is very pretty, slender, same faith tradition as mine, and has a decent job to support herself. She’s shared some of her reasons for being with a man like me, and her interest in possible marriage with me. She was meeting men in their early twenties to mid-thirties via dating sites or through friends. She described these young men as “scrubs”. That is, young men that live in their single mother’s basements, are unemployed or work a minimum wage job, play video games, smoke marijuana, drink, and sponge off others. Accounts of young men who set up coffee dates, she then drove 30 minutes for the meet, only to be stood up or ghosted. Or young men who set up coffee dates, or dinner dates, only to blindside her, and forced her to pay for the date, or for her 1/2 of the check. Or young men who blew up her phone with stalking and endless serial texts forcing her to change her phone number. The flip side of having a younger, never married, no children/baby daddies woman (besides the obvious) is this. Many older women near my age come encumbered with parasitic “scrub” adult children. I’ve seen this time-after-time with friends. They marry (or cohabitate) with older women, and immediately their dead beat adult children move in and start leaching off the men. I have one friend who blew through an $80,000 inheritance in a year bailing these Lolly-gagging adult children out of jail, paying lawyer fees, buying them used cars, or paying for vet bills. I drove one man home to pickup his car. His wife had a cottage industry going on (took in sewing). Her 38 year old daughter, and 40 year old son, both unemployed, were lying on sofas in the middle of the day watching daytime television.

    Like

    1. I have heard of this phenomenon: find a strong Christian woman from a nation where Christians either are, or have been, persecuted. Somehow vet her and bring her over to do battle with our depraved culture. You will have a worthy ally at your side.

      Better yet, move to Poland. 🙂

      Like

  7. The generation gap on this issue is truly profound – and, I think, unbridgeable. I just read WK’s post, in its entirety, to my 84-year-old mother, married to my father in a committed Christian marriage for 53 years until his death from cancer. She resolutely refuses to believe that 1) the norm for nearly ALL women today, Christian or non, is as described, or that 2) men aren’t an equal part of the problem.

    Hers is an example of the prevailing willful ignorance among Christians today, formed by a combination of lack of daily interaction with the younger generation and an unwillingness to accept the implications of the obvious before her very eyes (and what it might also say about the “Silent Generation’s” complicity in the catastrophe that is today’s intersexual relations). Either way, discussion with “older, wiser [?] women” about their feral posterity is pointless. No eyes are so blind as those that refuse to see.

    Like

    1. This is all very simple. A thing called feminism happened. It exists at every level of society from bottom to top, and it permeates our popular culture. This is the ocean where young unmarried women swim. In the absence of involved fathers and courageous pastors, young unmarried women WILL take their ideas about what to do in life from this feminism-soaked culture. If the response of elderly pro-marriage people to the problems caused by feminism are denial and man-blaming, then it just means that women will continue to delay marriage.

      What are women doing instead of marrying early? In most cases, they are using their finite supply of youth and beauty to pursue men who are “desirable”. And who is desirable in a feminist world? A man who can protect, provide, and lead on moral and spiritual issues? HELL NO. That’s sexist. The only things that makes a man attractive is whether he is good-looking, tall, fun, tattooed, etc. and doesn’t make moral or spiritual judgments. And how do you get this kind of man to commit, given that all the women are throwing themselves at him? Well, you give him RECREATIONAL PREMARITAL SEX to see if he will commit. And if that’s not enough, then you cohabitate with him throughout your teens and 20s, hoping that this causes him to commit. IT DOESN’T WORK. But this is what young, unmarried women are freely choosing – inside and outside the church.

      Elderly Christians who deny the problem, or who think man-blaming is the solution, are not doing a damned thing to solve the problem. And just realize that the major problems of society, from abortion to fatherlessness to the demographics crisis to the demand for taxpayer-funded social programs that substitute for husbands (enabling reckless carousel-riding to continue in the woman’s 30s and 40s), etc., are caused by women wasting their pretty fertile years on good-looking bad boys who are unprepared and unwilling to commit to marriage.

      There is only one area where I disagree with you. All of my older, wiser female advisors agree with everything about young women going feral, and their elderly man-blaming enablers, in your comment. You just need to find some better advisors.

      Like

      1. I’m just scared to death for the souls of present-day pastors, WK!

        I just do not know what God will do with them and their lukewarm sermons, but I sure do have an awful inkling!

        The ka-ching of the collection plates, is that it? Is that why pastors are keeping abortion mills open with their silence? Why they are sacrificing the souls of their women (and men) to a toothless faux-men-ized churchianity?!?

        I was in a solid conservative church a few days ago and something was missing. I looked around and saw no freaking cross! Then, a lady got up and said how much God loved us, but never mentioned how much WE are to love HIM! And this was NOT a liberal church either, at least not according to their statement of faith.

        God have mercy on us all. It’s Eden Revisited, and Eve is chomping away at the apple, but fortunately many Adams are not following her “lead.”

        Like

Leave a Reply to Wintery Knight Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s