More and more women are asking why they can’t find a good man to marry

Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?
Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?

In the last few months, I’ve met 5 different Christian women in their 30s who all asked me the same question: where are all the good men who want to marry me?

Christian men’s rights blogger Dalrock had two different posts where he described the answer to this question.

Here is the first post from Dalrock that concisely illustrates the problem:

As I wrote in A very long season, feminists don’t want to waste a day more of their youth and fertility on their husbands than absolutely necessary. As if to prove this very point, 30 year old Mona Chalabi writes in the NY Times* I Want My 2.3 Bonus Years:

If I could prolong my time as a young adult by, say, 2.3 years, here is a list of things I would like to do:

• Go to more parties. Preferably wild parties that I can think about, years later, at mild parties.

[…]• Have more romantic partners.

[…]• Get a bit higher up the career ladder a bit earlier on. That would probably boost my earnings, giving me more financial security. I could use that money to go to more parties, get a membership to a fancy gym and maybe even meet a romantic partner on the ab machines.

To drive the message home, the image at the top of the article is a cartoon of a resentful Chalabi giving her future husband the side eye for her lost years of sampling penises!

Surely, this must be an isolated case just for New York Times feminists, right? It’s not widespread, is it?

Second post from Dalrock:

Margaret Wente at the Globe and Mail* asks where all the good men have gone.  Wente comes to the conclusion that women need a sex cartel:

…it’s up to us to make the rules. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” my father used to say. It drove me crazy when he said that. Now, it’s dawned on me that he was right.

Since the women’s cartel collapsed, women’s bargaining power has seriously eroded. That’s why so many single women hate Tinder, which has further commodified sex for the benefit of men. Women are just another consumer good in the shop window.

The apex fallacy aside, Wente is partially right.  Women (as a group) have signaled to men that what they really want are exciting sexy badboys, not boring loyal dudes. It isn’t that women no longer want to marry beta providers, they just don’t want to waste a day more of their youth and fertility on their husband than absolutely necessary.

As a result, some up and coming boring loyal dudes aren’t knocking themselves out in their twenties while they wait for their future wife to tire of having sex with other men.

If you wonder why men are no longer performing in school, and exchanging careers for video games, the answer is simple. Men have realized that young women today, under the influence of feminism, are not interested in traditional husbands during their late teens and 20s. During these years, women are interested in travel, fun, drinking, hook-ups and cohabitation with amoral atheists. This is what I have personally observed. In the minds of young women, the highest value men are good-looking men who have no religion, and make no moral judgments, and are left of center politically – especially on abortion. There are many good men who are romantic about women from their youth, and want to get married. But when they see what young women really want, they just give up on school and work, since doing the traditional male roles has no value to young women. Many good men even give up on morality and Christianity because they want a relationship with a woman so badly.

More from second post:

What Wente doesn’t understand is that timing is everything.  From an economic point of view, women are dividing up sexual access that traditionally would have been reserved only for their husband into two blocks.  The first block contains their most attractive and fertile years, and it is dedicated to no strings sex with exciting badboys.  Then, once women reach what Rollo calls the epiphany phase, they want to bargain sexual access in their remaining (older and less fertile) years for maximum beta bucks.

The problem with this strategy is (generally speaking) not that the previously overlooked beta men will refuse to marry the suddenly reformed party girls.  The problem is that young men now look at the men 3-5 (and even 5-10) years older than them and don’t see an indication that signaling provider status will make them attractive to women.  They also see a society that holds married fathers in contempt**.  Most of these men are still working hard in their late teens and twenties to prepare to signal provider status in their 30s.  But a growing minority of young men are no longer doing so.  These men are instead working like women.  Once the reformed party girls are ready to find Mr. Beta Bucks, there is a shortage of 30 something men who fit the bill.  Even worse, no amount of complaining or shaming will cause the missing beta providers to go back in time and spend the prior decade preparing for this moment.

I’m one of the last men who followed the marriage-preparedness script for traditional men who wanted to marry and have four children and have a stay-at-home homeschooling mom to raise them from birth to graduate school. I find myself now in my early 40s, with a 6-figure income and a nearly 7-figure net worth. I declined to use those assets to play the field with hot bad girls, preferring instead to keep my sexual past completely clean for my eventual wife. However, what I observed in my late teens and 20s and even early 30s was a complete lack of interest in marriage ability, from non-Christian women and Christian women alike. Christian women aren’t learning to value early marriage from their married parents or their evangelical churches. None of the traditional husband skills are valued by young women, i.e. – chastity, gapless resume, alcohol abstinence, undergraduate and graduate STEM degrees, experience nurturing and mentoring others, stewardship of earned income.

I recently caused an uproar on my Facebook page by saying that even if the perfect woman showed up right now to marry me, I would not pursue her because the critical time where the woman could have applied maximum youth, beauty and fertility as a wife to make an impact on my education, early career, health, and finances has passed. A younger woman develops value to her husband precisely by applying herself to him and to her family in these critical early years. Men who have experienced this self-sacrificial love and support are loyal to their wives even after their wives lose their youth and beauty. Why? Because the men know that they are much better than they could have been, having enjoyed that early investment of value made by their young wives.

Young women very supportive of premarital sex
Young women very supportive of premarital sex

As Christian writer Matt Walsh notes in a recent article at the Daily Wire, this “follow your heart” focus on happiness in women is lethal to marital stability, and men know it.

Excerpt:

There was an article in Cosmo this week with a title that summarizes all that’s wrong with Cosmo and modern society as a whole: “I eloped at 25, divorced at 26, and dated my way across Europe all summer.” Of course, by “dated my way across Europe” she means that she slept with half the continent.

The author, Elise, says she “started fighting” with her husband and within a few months they both decided that their differences were irreconcilable. Despite counseling, she says, “neither of us was happy.” So, exhausted from 12 whole months of marriage, Elise embarked on a voyage of self-discovery and STD cultivation. She met random dudes in half a dozen countries and had sex with them, learning quite a lot as she went, though she can’t really explain what exactly she learned or why sex was a necessary component in learning it. Finally, she came home and started dating some other guy. The end.

Well, not really the end. 20 years from now I’m sure we’ll get the follow up article: “I’m alone and miserable and it’s everyone’s fault but mine.” After all, you may be able to fill the emptiness in your soul with frivolous sex when you’re young and physically desirable, but that phase is fleeting. People who don’t want to “waste” their beauty and youth on a spouse, so they waste it instead on strangers who don’t love them or even care what happens to them tomorrow, will be shocked when a tomorrow comes where even strangers aren’t interested anymore. This is where the single-minded, utterly selfish pursuit of “happiness” at all costs inevitably leads: to rejection, despair, and a quiet, unnoticed death on a lonely hospital bed.

As Elise helpfully demonstrated, “do what makes you happy” is poison in a marriage. Many a vow has been broken because one or both partners decide to chase “happiness” instead of commitment, fidelity, and love. “I deserve to be happy,” reports the legion of serial divorcees, as they drift on to the next spouse, and the next, and the next, and the next, looking for the one — the one, finally — who might cure the misery they’ve inflicted on themselves. Increasingly unhappy, yet increasingly convinced that they deserve to be.

And this follow your heart to happiness situation is alive and well in the church today. Marriage-minded Christian men who have prepared for husband roles are surprised to find that there is often little or no difference between Elise and the Christian women the church produces. Christian men who desire to invest in a marriage that is stable, productive and influential have nowhere to turn for a wife who is able and willing to help. In my experience, the problem with happiness-focused women who delay marriage is never discussed in churches from the pulpit. The “good men to marry” that today’s 30-something women are looking for were plentiful back when those same women were in their early-to-mid 20s.

11 thoughts on “More and more women are asking why they can’t find a good man to marry”

  1. As we now know, the more sexual partners a woman has the harder it becomes for her to emotionally bond with any one man. (That is not the case with men.) So by the time some poor sucker marries her up in her mid thirties, she is damaged goods and a very risky proposition for any man to marry.

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  2. The reason that these women can’t find a ‘good man’ to marry them is simple: they aren’t looking for them because they don’t really care about marriage. In my view, if a woman truly wants to be married she will be actively working towards it. She will know what is required in a husband and be seeking that out in men. She will be following a lifestyle that will result in her becoming a good wife (chaste while still being attractive, learning how to raise children and deal with the responsibilities of having a family, etc).

    Virtually no young woman does this, from what I’ve seen they approach marriage as something that they do when they stop having fun. The expect a man to just appear like prince charming in a fairy tale and make her ‘happily ever after’. They expect to be rewarded for something that they’ve put no effort into while the man does everything. You reap what you sow indeed.

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    1. Yes. I was just re-reading “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” and was AMAZED to hear how even married women think that the health of the relationship and their happiness is basically their husband’s responsibility. So OF COURSE before marriage they have no idea that they should be preparing for marriage, or learning anything about men’s feelings and needs. It’s just incredible. One divorced Christian woman, otherwise sensible, was just telling me how marriage is DESIGNED FOR THE BENEFIT OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN. She got divorced because she kept adopting kids and buying all kinds of animals and taking on all kinds of responsibilities, so that her husband got no attention or care at all. Naturally, he left. She doesn’t even see what she did wrong, because she thinks that she should just be able to do whatever she wants and dump all this responsibility on her husband.

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      1. I believe that a lot of the blame for this attitude falls squarely on the church’s shoulders. To use my own experiences as an example: last year I was explaining to someone at my church that I evaluate a potential wife based on similar criteria to what I mentioned (mutual sexual attraction, what she believes about wives submitting to their husbands, what sort of mother she would be, etc) and I was told that I basically shouldn’t have any expectations of women when seeking a relationship. This same person, whom is a part of my university’s Christian (churchian) organisation, stated during a sermon that Christian women should not be compared to the virtuous wife of Proverbs 31. It’s no wonder that I’m having such a difficult time finding a suitable woman when this is the prevailing attitude.

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  3. WK, interesting conclusion you have come to on not marrying even if a woman showed up tomorrow who filled all your checklist for a mate. You probably are aware that Greg Koukl didn’t get married until his late 40s well after establishing his career and ministry. I had totally given up looking for a wife after a number of frustrating relationships….and, of course, that is when the woman who would become my wife waltzed into my life. All is to say, don’t be too dogmatic on the point….

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    1. I won’t be dogmatic, but she better not have been intentionally delaying marriage for alcohol and promiscuity and shacking up with atheists. I’m telling you right now that the last 3 girls I asked out all had this story of their rebellion against their Christian parents and their wild 20s sleeping with atheists.

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  4. Who are these women? I don’t get it. Apparently I grew up in a Baptist Bubble where the majority of people turned out sensibly and way more evidently Christian. There were a few problematic acquaintances I knew in college, but I guess that’s not surprising. Either you have free will and the Holy Spirit, or…free will and dumb choices.
    Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
    -Proverbs 4:23

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  5. Maybe such women are deluded about what they bring to the table (Dunning-Kruger effect?) and also don’t understand that “just because you want something, this doesn’t mean you can have it.”

    Dalrock posits correctly, “…women are dividing up sexual access that traditionally would have been reserved only for their husband into two blocks. The first block contains their most attractive and fertile years, and it is dedicated to no strings sex with exciting badboys. Then, once women reach what Rollo calls the epiphany phase, they want to bargain sexual access in their remaining (older and less fertile) years for maximum beta bucks.”

    Translation:
    Some women are giving away the goods to bad boys.
    Then they make the shocking realization bad boys want to just use them as sexual objects and have no desire to be providers or to settle down (duh)
    So they decide they want to try to form relationships with stable men.

    I might add a caveat to that one. Most women that I know also want to marry their equal or marry up. There might be viable or eligible suitors,
    but these have been eliminated for many reasons (not socially suave, not ambitious enough, not accomplished enough, not rich enough, not tall enough, not socially skilled enough, wrong socio-economic class, not successful enough, too nerdy, etc.)

    As Dalrock observed, men, especially the men who have dedicated themselves to certain ideas, don’t find such formerly loose women very appealing. They’re not very attractive.

    [Men who are in demand are going to have options. In my 20’s through mid-30’s, I was going out with 1) ministry leaders, 2) seminary students, 3) pastor’s daughters, missionary kids, seminary professor’s daughter, 4) other high quality women. Why exactly would I want some ‘self-described reformed’ party girl (and I did run into some of those)?]

    I have a friend; he was a business school professor after completing degrees in Physics and Economics (he taught Econ and anyone would instantly recognize the name of the business school and alma mater). He was the son of missionaries; he also worked on Christian projects (like one involving C. S. Lewis). He’s tall, good looking, now is an Asset Management portfolio manager and SVP. Two of my friends were good friends of his and I overheard that he had very high standards. A woman of loose morals and questionable past is NOT going to land someone like him.

    Let’s give an analogy. For the last 6 years, George has been playing Candy Crush Saga 6 hours a day and really enjoys playing the game. He doesn’t want to do his homework (homework really doesn’t float his boat) or engage in any type of community participation/civic engagement even at his school. Extracurriculars? Doesn’t Candy Crush Saga count, according to George?! Science, Mathematics … those are hard for George. George has been a C student for high school.

    Near the end of high school, George wakes up and thinks to himself: “I kinda like that Caltech is on the West Coast where it’s warm and sunny — maybe I can apply for Caltech, I’m sure I have as good a chance as anyone else.”

    Right …

    Astute outsiders would encourage George maybe to go to community college as a better fit if George really wants higher education. Or maybe George should consider alternatives to formal education (e.g., apprenticeships, trade skills, etc.)

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  6. A wide past means a person has a lot more to work through to show they are mature enough to marry.

    A person that can willingly toss money around to chase sin with no thought. Along with no care for years in pursing a relationships with God is a potentially dangerous mate.

    If we were allowed a casual let’s try the marriage and see attitude of the world then maybe you can date people like that, and id you realize it won’t work you can walk buy the Bible doesn’t permit such a shallow commitment to marriage. So a person must put far more thought into a relationship if they are Christian than a non Christian will

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  7. Maybe it’s because these radical feminists like to emasculate men and domineer over them, then get oversensitive and give them no opinion in fear of being “sexist”. Then, they want to be “liberated” by hookups and vulgarity and reject chivalry and men’s desire to provide for and protect women. No reasonable man wants a “Nasty Woman” in his life! Much less marry one! I thought they loathed marriage anyways since it implies dignified behavior and fidelity to one partner, and not hookups or a doormat for a man!
    https://aladyofreason.wordpress.com/

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