I received an e-mail from a woman who was telling me to drop my list of 10 worldview questions and just look for a wife who reads the Bible and has feelings about Jesus.
She wrote:
My suggestion to you is to consider a top-down approach. Just pray for God to send you your wife and pray that you recognize her immediately. You don’t seem like you really want to remain single…and your children are missing out on having you as their dad. Marriage is for children, remember? I know several young ladies who know their Scripture and who love Jesus but who, I don’t think, would pass your test because, in my perception, they aren’t cerebral enough.
Marriage is for children. Marriage is not for God, apparently.
I get this e-mail a lot, especially from women who have married non-Christians or who are divorced. Now the whole point of the list of 10 questions is to detect women who are not going to help me to produce effective, influential Christian children. If I am going to spend north of $100,000 per child + tuition, then I expect to get some sort of return on that investment for God. That money doesn’t earn itself, and it needs to be well-spent serving God.
It’s my wife’s job to help me to do that. My goal in choosing a wife is to find a helper to make the relationship serve God. Otherwise, it’s better for God if I give that money that I worked very hard to earn directly to effective Christian scholars. I don’t have money to burn “playing house” with someone who is guided by her feelings. I can just give the money to Reasonable Faith or Discovery Institute instead.
Let’s take a look at two parents who aimed at nothing and hit it with their daughter. The two parents run a ministry that is based around passionate preaching, prayer and Bible verses.
Excerpt:
The Lord spoke to Arise International Conference host Mary Hudson to encourage women to reach their full destiny in Jesus Christ. He wants women to rise up as trailblazers, to think outside the box and be bold in Him, of course putting God first, your husband second and then your family!
Mary’s ministry of Arise! International holds annual women’s empowerment and leadership conferences in Hawaii, Belgium, Colombia, France, Switzerland, Denmark and the USA. The river of glory is rising and we must flow with it.
2012 promises to be a break-through year to Arise! in who you are in Christ. Lean on Him for direction, don’t look to man. Knowing the signs of the times and hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit will be vital to being at the right place at the right time to reap the harvest of souls coming into the Kingdom.
Pray about being a part of Arise! this coming year. It just may be the meeting that propels you into the next level for your life. Remember, you are equipped with everything you need to fulfill your purpose. God’s assignments reveal your abilities and your capabilities, and He will provide both the potential and the provision to meet every assignment.
We call you blessed and highly favored!
I noticed that their “book store” offers nonsense books like this:
Keith Hudson “Looking and Seeing”:
Like this disciplined athlete, you need to learn how to look beyond your present situation and keep your eye on His Presence. God is ready to display His glory in your life as well in these last days, but it is going to take boldness for you to take the mask off and look at people and situations the way God sees them, not how man looks at them. What may stand in front of you may look too big for you to grasp; that what you see now is the way it’s always going to be. Or you look at the dream God has given you and think, “there is no way I can ever accomplish this with my resources at my age…” That is the moment you have to flip the switch from looking to seeing.
Mary Hudson “Smart Bombs”:
Smart Bombs is a book which will show you practically and with true life examples how to take God’s Word and let it explode strongholds in your life. When you read the Bible, He quickens particular passages or verses to your heart. You know it is God talking to you about your situation. Or when you receive a prophetic word, you sense in your heart this is speaking to you. But what do you do with these words when they bear witness with you? Let them fade away and disappear off of your memory? No, Smart Bombs shows you how to go on the offense with the anointed word of God, how to demolish strongholds and take back everything the enemy has stolen from you.
This easy read is a must for anyone who is looking for clarity on their destiny.
Keith Hudson “The Cry”:
The Cry will reignite you with new fire. Christians lose their passion when they let go of their zeal for God. We come into prayer meetings and we are so polished and perfected. But the Lord wants to hear the cry of your heart. The church has lost its cry: God is about to restore it. Why did the thirty people gathered for the Azusa Street revival have such a move of the spirit of God in their day? Because they had a cry in their hearts and in their prayers. The Cry will release a desperate longing in you for Gods intervention in your life. It goes way beyond your natural thinking into a spiritual hunger from your innermost being. When everything else has failed, a desperate cry touches the heart of God.
Now do you think that someone who reads books like that will produce the same kind of children as parents who read William Lane Craig, Stephen C. Meyer, Jay Richards, Michael Licona and Nancy Pearcey? Of course not. Because the Hudson books are fluff and the books by real Christian scholars are not fluff.
Now let’s read an article from Christian Post about what sort of child the fluff approach produces. (H/T Mysterious Chris S.)
Excerpt:
Katy Perry, the 29-year-old singer and songwriter, is revealing that while she prays she no longer identifies with Christianity.
“I don’t believe in a heaven or a hell, or an old man sitting on a throne. I believe in a higher power bigger than me because that keeps me accountable,” she told Marie Claire magazine recently. “Accountability is rare to find, especially with people like myself, because nobody wants to tell you something you don’t want to hear.”
Perry, who took the Billboard charts by storm with her hit song “I Kissed a Girl” in 2008, told Marie Claire that she no longer considers herself a Christian despite being raised by Christian ministers.
“I’m not Buddhist, I’m not Hindu, I’m not Christian, but I still feel like I have a deep connection with God. I pray all the time – for self-control, for humility,” she told Marie Claire. “There’s a lot of gratitude in it. Just saying ‘thank you’ sometimes is better than asking for things.”
Despite her decision to perform music that may seem controversial to the Christian community, the chart-topping singer has never shied away from crediting the Christian church for giving her a start as a performer.
“The atmosphere I grew up in was 100 percent Christian,” Perry said her “Part of Me: 3D” movie which was released last year. “I started singing in the church, I never really had another plan.”
Their daughter is writing songs to promote homosexuality to young people. That’s their legacy. The legacy of spiritual gifts, God opening doors of mysticism and charismatic anti-intellectualism. That’s what they are going to present to God as their spiritual legacy. I noticed that Mary Hudson is now calling her daughter’s celebrity divorce after one year of marriage a “gift from God”. Her daughter married a heroin-addicted leftist non-Christian – but he was hawt. Tall, dark, handsome and a famous comedian, too.
The list of questions I use when courting helps me to avoid marrying a woman like Katy Perry’s mother. She could not answer any of my questions. None of them. And what’s more, she doesn’t want to answer them. She wants to live her whole life without learning how to answer them. She wants to stick with her Bible, her singing, her feelings, her passionate oratory and her crowds of gullible people. I will not marry a woman like that. It produces disaster and failure. It produces anti-Christian children.
In fact, you can’t succeed at anything worthwhile in life using the Keith and Mary Hudson approach to parenting. You can’t do a thing with that approach. Not writing software, not fixing cars, not making investments, not sending a rocket to the moon, not even evangelizing an apostate daughter. You do not want to be a Christian man who pumps 30 years of hard labor into a family that produces apostate children. If you are going to spend the money, then make sure you get the results.
WINTERY KNIGHT 
How come the links don’t lead to your 10 questions? I’d really like to see them; I’m raising 3 kids.
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Fixed!
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I think your 10 questions link might be going to the wrong place, and I found it here: https://winteryknight.com/2012/01/31/courting-rules-how-to-tell-if-a-woman-is-really-a-christian-or-not/
In any case–
Yes, if the point of getting married to is to have some random warm body in your house and you both said “I do” to each other, then sure, any Christian woman would do. (Of course, most women, let alone Christian women would be highly repulsed by said idea and would claim things like, “Where’s the romance in that?!”) Well, I guess this suggestion that you received in the email would only be applicable in the case of say, arranged marriage.
“Dr. Marriage” a.k.a., my very soon to be retiring senior minister, did a recent sermon on Genesis 24 (finding a wife for Isaac): http://media.parkstreet.org/audio/2017-05-07-am-hq.mp3
In any case, he covered some interesting points:
– just because the Bible does not cover “dating” does not mean the Bible has nothing to say about dating
– in fact, it is rare for arranged marriages, even in the New Testament times
– the Bible assumes there is a choice of spouse and to employ wisdom in one’s choice of spouse e.g., 1Cor. 9:5, “Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife?”
So let’s start with some minimums. Christians should marry ONLY Christians. It is a sin to enter into a marital relationship with a non-Christian. Since not everyone who calls themselves Christian is a Christian, AND not everyone who is in a church is a Christian (for instance, at my church, 16-19% at any given service self-identify as not being Christian) — obviously if you want a believing wife, you have to be a little discerning.
Let’s also flip the question around on said lady who emailed you saying there are “young ladies who know their Scripture and who love Jesus” (doesn’t Satan and his demons know Scripture too? and I am curious what kind of Jesus these young ladies love … like “Jesus is my spiritual boyfriend” kind of Jesus, or “Jesus who is the first created being” kind of Jesus or “Jesus is one of many ways to God” or “Jesus is my doting, hippy guru who would not hurt a fly or say anything disturbing”.)
Oops. I was making a reference to: http://ligonier-static-media.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/thestateoftheology/TheStateOfTheology-Whitepaper.pdf
So in any case, it seems to me that not everyone who says he’s/she’s a Christian is indeed a Christian, not everyone who attends a service is a Christian, and even those who self-purport to be Christian may indeed not be actually Christian. So already we have implied strongly that some discernment is necessary to figure out what the state of someone’s faith is.
Let’s even take this a step further. If I were single (which I am not — happily married, but let’s use the first-class conditional) and I was randomly asking various women out, likelihood is good that I would get turned down — and a lot. The woman doesn’t know me from some random other dude. So there are some ways of mitigating failure (or put differently: increasing my chances of success). Do we have some context? Do I know her name? Have we had some good / significant conversations? Do we have some things in common? etc.
Chances are, if a girl doesn’t give me the time of day, she will also turn me down for a request for a date.
But in any case, all of these questions imply again, discernment on my part.
I remember reading a book when I was a teen; it was given to me by a Christian aunt. I was not a Christian at that time, but James Dobson made extremely good cases that marriages that last are based on similarities in three major spheres: values, morals, and goals.
WK is therefore being wise in trying to be “equally yoked” with 1) a solidly Christian woman who 2) shares his values, morals, and goals.
Nothing wrong with that. In fact, he is being wise and discerning. He wants his marriage to last.
If only some women would develop that kind of discernment!
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Fixed link!
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I acknowledge that I’m not in a position to give anyone relationship advice, but I can’t help but wonder if you might be better off seeking a woman who is willing to learn rather than one who has researched as thoroughly as yourself.
I believe others have observed that the nuts and bolts of apologetics tends to appeal to men over women. However, I’m willing to bet there a good number of women who have always “just believed” what they were told in church who would be excited to find out there are real concrete reasons to believe the faith. That’s why I wonder if willingness to learn and excitement for learning might be almost as valuable a quality in a potential wife as the ability to rattle off answers to the questions you listed.
Merely a suggestion of course. Keep up the good work regardless, it is appreciated!
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To be sure, Robert,
I think good pastors talk about ‘conformability’ especially to Christ, and those who are more sanctified/have a better relationship in the vertical dimension to God will also have a better horizontal relationship with other believers.
This is more important than ‘chemistry’ or ‘compatibility’ (some of which are subjective anyway).
I also think individuals in marriage can have different strengths and interests and thus complement each other. I think of Martin Luther and Katie Luther (Katharina von Bora). (Or my own marriage, but it seems a bit self-congratulatory, and we’re just a work in progress.)
My wife is not as interesting in apologetics or in the same things I’m interested in, BUT she supports me if only emotionally and understands the importance of these things. And there were two times in the past where my church asked me to consider candidating for elder and I did not want to make a unilateral decision. So I involved her. While I decided to not candidate at the time (the first time was in our first year of marriage, the second time was just after the birth of our first born and during the time of a second pregnancy which was more difficult for my wife), she would have been very supportive of my decision if I had decided to candidate.
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I take no issue with your questions or any criteria you have for a spouse. I do have an issue with the idea that certain knowledge or actions will ensure your children will believe and thus act a certain way.
Even God, who is omnipotent and according to your belief, has middle knowledge, fails to provide conditions sufficient for anything but a minority of his children to believe. Thus it seems to me that either God is not terribly invested in his children’s beliefs or that individual freewill is such a dominant factor that even God’s sovereignty is not sufficient in most cases. How then do you have such high regard for your own criteria and choices as a parent?
Also, I don’t have to tell an educated person such as yourself that Katy Perry is simply an anecdote and a single data point does not a strong argument make.
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If parents aim at nothing, they hit nothing. People who make plans and execute well succeed.
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Most people reject planning and disciplined execution because they are lazy and hedonistic. Then say that the system is rigged, and life is random and unpredictable. They don’t want to take responsibility.
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I have a lot of things in common with you, but the contents of this article exposed the differences. I used to be as calculated about the future as you. 35 years of adult life changed all that! God’s best to you sir!
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You seem to think that you will be in charge of whether or not your children believe, and perhaps a little fixated on money.
You said “You do not want to be a Christian man who pumps 30 years of hard labor into a family that produces apostate children. If you are going to spend the money, then make sure you get the results.”
Sorry, but that is not the case. My wife and I have been blessed to see all three of our daughters make a decision for Christ and marry believers. We are now seeing the fruit in grandchildren who are becoming Christians (as they reach an age where their belief makes sense). It is God who draws people to Himself, not parents pushing their children. Do we as parents have the responsibility to demonstrate a transformed life to our children and to “always be prepared to give an answer for the hope that is in [us]”? Yes, we do, but we are not the Holy Spirit, so we cannot take credit (or blame) if our children choose not to believe. There are no guarantees, only keep praying for your children.
None of this is a result of following a pre-set list of marks to hit. It is all about love. Real biblical, sacrificial love. I love my wife. Not perfectly, but I do aim for the sacrificial love demonstrated by our Savior.
Some advice from a man who has been married for more than 44 years: don’t have a preconceived list of conditions your wife must meet. Ask God to show you the woman He wants for you, then love her in a way that demonstrates Christ to her and fulfills her needs. A godly leader must first want the best for those he leads. THEIR best, not his own. It’s not about return on investment, it is about giving yourself to her and trusting God to bless your efforts.
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Teaching kids better has no one hundred percent guarantee. But it raises the odds of having better kids. I assume that is the point he tries to make. Christians are to have a high goal and not figure out how to do a minimal entry to heaven with little to no impact on the world
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Yes! I know fabulous parents who did everything right and things still not work out. But at least the parents were united and focused, and it’s important to at least have two parents engaged on making things work. It’s better than having no plan!
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