What do college students achieve by participating in the hook-up culture?

Even one non-husband premarital sex partner raises risk of divorce
Even one non-husband premarital sex partner raises risk of divorce

Stuart Schneiderman linked to a balanced article from the New York Times Magazine which offers scary insights into the hook-up culture at one of our elite universities.

First, feminism is definitely a driver of the hook-up culture, and women are voluntarily choosing it:

At 11 on a weeknight earlier this year, her work finished, a slim, pretty junior at the University of Pennsylvania did what she often does when she has a little free time. She texted her regular hookup — the guy she is sleeping with but not dating. What was he up to? He texted back: Come over. So she did. They watched a little TV, had sex and went to sleep.

Their relationship, she noted, is not about the meeting of two souls.

“We don’t really like each other in person, sober,” she said, adding that “we literally can’t sit down and have coffee.”

Ask her why she hasn’t had a relationship at Penn, and she won’t complain about the death of courtship or men who won’t commit. Instead, she’ll talk about “cost-benefit” analyses and the “low risk and low investment costs” of hooking up.

“I positioned myself in college in such a way that I can’t have a meaningful romantic relationship, because I’m always busy and the people that I am interested in are always busy, too,” she said.

“And I know everyone says, ‘Make time, make time,’ ” said the woman, who spoke on the condition of anonymity but agreed to be identified by her middle initial, which is A. “But there are so many other things going on in my life that I find so important that I just, like, can’t make time, and I don’t want to make time.”

It is by now pretty well understood that traditional dating in college has mostly gone the way of the landline, replaced by “hooking up” — an ambiguous term that can signify anything from making out to oral sex to intercourse — without the emotional entanglement of a relationship.

Until recently, those who studied the rise of hookup culture had generally assumed that it was driven by men, and that women were reluctant participants, more interested in romance than in casual sexual encounters. But there is an increasing realization that young women are propelling it, too.

Hanna Rosin, in her recent book, “The End of Men,” argues that hooking up is a functional strategy for today’s hard-charging and ambitious young women, allowing them to have enjoyable sex lives while focusing most of their energy on academic and professional goals.

And a bit more about “A”:

For A., college is an endless series of competitions: to get into student clubs, some of which demand multiple rounds of interviews; to be selected for special research projects and the choicest internships; and, in the end, to land the most elite job offers.

As A. explained her schedule, “If I’m sober, I’m working.”

In such an overburdened college life, she said, it was rare for her and her friends to find a relationship worth investing time in, and many people avoided commitment because they assumed that someone better would always come along.

“We are very aware of cost-benefit issues and trading up and trading down, so no one wants to be too tied to someone that, you know, may not be the person they want to be with in a couple of months,” she said.

Instead, she enjoyed casual sex on her terms — often late at night, after a few drinks, and never at her place, she noted, because then she would have to wash the sheets.

[…]“‘I’ve always heard this phrase, ‘Oh, marriage is great, or relationships are great — you get to go on this journey of change together,’ ” she said. “That sounds terrible.

“I don’t want to go through those changes with you. I want you to have changed and become enough of your own person so that when you meet me, we can have a stable life and be very happy.”

In the meantime, from A.’s perspective, she was in charge of her own sexuality.

“I definitely wouldn’t say I’ve regretted any of my one-night stands,” she said.

“I’m a true feminist,” she added. “I’m a strong woman. I know what I want.”

At the same time, she didn’t want the number of people she had slept with printed, and she said it was important to her to keep her sexual life separate from her image as a leader at Penn.

“Ten years from now, no one will remember — I will not remember — who I have slept with,” A. said. “But I will remember, like, my transcript, because it’s still there. I will remember what I did. I will remember my accomplishments and places my name is hung on campus.”

These high-powered feminist students are having sex with strangers because they are “hot”, not because they have made the man prove his intention and ability to commit by waiting until marriage.

I think the key point about this is that these women think that they are actually on a path to marriage by focusing on themselves and their careers. Their alcohol abuse is a path to marriage. Their promiscuity with bad boy men who have no interest in marriage is a path to marriage. Their career and selfishness is a path to marriage. This despite the fact that research clearly shows that the number of sexual partners that a woman has before marrying directly impacts her ability to perform in a relationship. Premarital sex with bad boys raises her estimation of her own value in relationships. When she is older and has to settle for what she can get, she will be dissatisfied and ungrateful. This is where divorce comes from.

Nothing that these women are doing is preparation for actual commitment and support. They can’t even converse with men, much less do the duties of a wife. Their ability to choose a man who can perform actual husband/father duties is not being formed by study or courtship. There is no wisdom. There is no self-sacrifice. There is no chastity. There is no support. There is no communication. These women are pro-abortion – that’s their view of  the rights and dignity of children. They are pro-gay marriage – that’s their view of providing for children’s relationship needs. These are literally the worst women in the world to marry. Their ignorance of what they must do to be good wives and mothers, and their messed up criteria for choosing men who can be husband and fathers makes them the worst women in the world to marry.

Read this carefully:

Some women went to college wanting a relationship, but when that seemed unlikely, they embraced hooking up as the best alternative. M., an athletic freshman with long legs and a button nose, arrived at college a virgin and planned to wait to have sex until she had her first boyfriend, something she expected to happen in college. But over the course of the fall, as she saw very few students forming relationships, she began to lose hope about finding a boyfriend and to see her virginity as a hindrance.

“I could be here for four years and not date anyone,” she said she realized. “Sometimes you are out, and there’s a guy you really are attracted to, and you kind of want to go back home with him, but you kind of have that underlying, ‘I can’t, because I can’t just lose my V-card to some random guy.’ ”

At a party in the spring semester, she was taking a break from dancing when she ran into a guy she had had a class with in the fall. They started talking, then danced until the party was over. M. went back to his room, where they talked some more and then started making out.

By this time, she said, “I wasn’t very drunk — I was close to sober,” which made her believe she could make a considered decision.

“I’m like, ‘O.K., I could do this now,’ ” she recalled thinking. “ ‘He’s superhot, I like him, he’s nice. But I’m not going to expect anything out of it, either.’ ”

The alternative, she said, was that “I could take the chance that one night I get really drunk and sleep with someone that I don’t want to sleep with, which probably is what would have ended up happening.”

So she had sex with him. In the morning, he walked her home.

“Honestly, all of my friends, they’re super envious, because I came back with the biggest smile on my face,” M. said. As she had expected, she and the guy remained friendly but nothing more. Yet she was still happy with her decision.

“All of my friends are jealous, because I had such a great first experience,” she added. Over spring break, she slept with someone else.

In general, she said, she thought that guys at Penn controlled the hookup culture. But women played a role as well.

“It’s kind of like a spiral,” she said. “The girls adapt a little bit, because they stop expecting that they’re going to get a boyfriend — because if that’s all you’re trying to do, you’re going to be miserable. But at the same time, they want to, like, have contact with guys.” So they hook up and “try not to get attached.”

Now, she said, she and her best friend had changed their romantic goals, from finding boyfriends to finding “hookup buddies,” which she described as “a guy that we don’t actually really like his personality, but we think is really attractive and hot and good in bed.”

I think I would really like everyone reading this to just read that last part over a few times, and let that sink in. You have a minority of good looking athletic men having sex with most of the women on campus, while the majority of men who opt-out of the hook-up culture and want to court and marry are left wondering where all the women went. And many of those will reinvent themselves as “bad boys” in order to at least get some contact with women, so that there are even fewer chaste, marriage-enabled men.

I really recommend reading some of Dr. Schneiderman’s comments on this article. He is really not happy about it, and he puts the blame squarely on feminists. As do I. Radical feminism is the ideology that gave us abortion, fatherlessness and divorce. We should call it what it is: selfish and destructive.

12 thoughts on “What do college students achieve by participating in the hook-up culture?”

  1. Not to hijack your thread, did you see Mark Regenerus has a new book coming out soon? https://www.amazon.com/Cheap-Sex-Transformation-Marriage-Monogamy/dp/0190673613/

    Focusing on this remark: “Women said universally that hookups could not exist without alcohol, because they were for the most part too uncomfortable to pair off with men they did not know well without being drunk.”

    I read an interesting study from someone in New Mexico about 10-15 years ago. There were two control groups: (1) give participants non-alcoholic beverages and tell them they are non-alcoholic and (2) give participants alcoholic beverages but don’t tell them. The more interesting groups were: (3) give participants non-alcoholic beverages but tell them these are alcoholic beverages [“placebo effect”] and (4) give participants alcoholic beverages and tell them.

    The (2) is important, because that tells you the real effect of alcohol (some people did get a little more uninhibited, it started having an effect on speech and coordination, and over the course of time, some became more sleepy).

    The (3) group was most eye-opening to the researchers: participants acted out as if they were drunk including “less inhibited behaviors” despite that the drinks were not spiked. It is almost as if people were using the alcohol as an excuse for their “drunken” behaviors.

    So what this tells me between the remarks is the following (I’m not being accusatory or derogatory, just trying to state the facts):

    College women are horny. (Well, we could generalize, everyone is horny. Just some people learn self-control.)

    Some of these college women don’t want to live with the idea that they just slept with a stranger or someone they didn’t know well. (In one feminist book I read, the lady admitted that having a one-night stand will leave you feeling 10x more crappy than waking up after having a bender due to drinking alone.)

    So they want an excuse for their behavior: “I was drunk”.

    As mentioned in the comments of Dr. Schneiderman’s link:

    http://maggiesfarm.anotherdotcom.com/archives/22553-Alcohol,-the-hook-up-culture,-and-college-rape.html#comments

    “In our 30-year study from birth (Lives Across Time), almost every woman had her first sexual experience when drunk — every one of them regretted this. Many of the boys also were drunk on their first sexual experiences — none expressed regret.”

    Also agreeing with my premise:
    “60 years ago when I was young the girls used alcohol as an excuse to do things they wanted to do but proper young girls did not do.” (Comment dated in 2013)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awesome comment. Definitely getting the new Regnerus book. I’m convinced that women drinking too much without being challenged on it by good men is the root of so many of our major social problems: abortion, STDs, teen pregnancies, fatherless children. We just have to have the balls to stand up to them, and not let them use the offer of premarital sex to neuter our moral disapproval of their drinking to excess. I think the original sin of this feminist culture was men giving up the obligation to make moral judgements in exchange for premarital sex. Thank God I never let them control me that way.

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  2. “First, feminism is definitely a driver of the hook-up culture, and women are voluntarily choosing it:” That says it all.

    Sorry to have to say this, but i think things will likely get worse in this area before they get better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its not going to get better till the money for social programs runs out. No pastor or parent of a daughter is going to have the balls to stand up to women. They’ll just push the costs onto taxpayers, and never figure out why high-income single men give up on marriage.

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    2. They aren’t bad enough already?

      I can’t find the link, but Eastern Orthodox Christian writer Frederica Matthewes-Green was on a campus going about her way to give a talk. She overheard a couple of women students speaking to each other, along the lines of:

      Woman 1 to Woman 2: “I slept with (some guy). I hope he likes me. Do you think he’ll go out with me”

      Matthewes-Green was taken aback. Sleep with some guy you barely know that you’re not even sure if he likes you?

      She put it this way: using the analogy of economics —

      If you over-saturate the market with some commodity, you’ll find that the commodity will have to be very cheap to have — or even free. People won’t have to pay very much to have your commodity. And others who have a comparable commodity will not be able ask for a significantly different asking price. (Aha: unless you can differentiate your product!)

      Or, Matthewes-Green continued, we can use the old adage: “Women use sex to get love. Men use love to get sex.”

      What happens if you give out lots of sex and make it very easy to get (i.e., the hookup culture)? It means you have to give up a lot of sex to get very little love (see near the top about sleeping with some guy). And if a woman buys into the hookup culture, she’s only going to find out that she has to give up a lot of sex to get very little love. She might rationalize it and say that relationships are too demanding or too much time (they aren’t — they take as much time as you want to invest into them). So long as women buy into the hookup culture, they’re not going to escape this value system. And the type of woman who has lots of sexual relations is not the type that I wanted to take home to meet my parents. (I’m happily married now and have been for a while and even when I was single, I wasn’t sleeping around … so there is no double-standard of what I expected of myself and of women that I was dating.)

      In any case — the only way to get out of this trap is for a woman to differentiate your product. Then she could also set a different price point. If women said, “I’m not willing to sleep around or give out cheap/free sex. I want my future partner to mutually fully commit in marriage, i.e., I want to be married — before I engage in sex” — sure. Quantity will drop. Maybe even drastically drop. And yes, there might be some sexual frustration.

      But the suitors who are willing to go with that — the QUALITY will be much higher.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The problem with this strategy of a woman holding off from Sex in order to differentiate herself is that it is hard for a woman to understand how to make a man interested in her without using sex. I mean it’s hard for a woman to learn how to do this in this culture. In the past women knew how to do it.

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        1. Maybe I should start a consulting gig to teach 1) men how to throw a good party and be a dating coach and 2) women how to attract men and also be a dating coach. Hmmm … new career venues abound.

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        2. Time for someone to remind the younger women that the old adage was “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” which demonstrates a cooking ability that he would like to be around for the rest of his life. Combine that with demonstrating abilities in training children by working with them at church (or other volunteer activities).

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          1. Any feminine stuff is good, like nurturing or listening or any other helping. After all, mothering is a thing that has to be trained and practiced, it’s not automatic.

            Asking for help or an opinion is a way of respecting a man, too. I like when I suggest a book or resource to a woman, and she actually studies it. Or if she applies herself at school or at work because I expressed interest in either or both.

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          2. Here’s the thing. Surprisingly, it is not that hard for a woman to demonstrate interest without being sexual.

            1) In conversations, find out about the man, find out what he values, what his interests are, find out what he’s good at. (Basic human social skills.)
            – pay him a sincere and genuine compliment if you notice something along these
            – or thank the man for doing what he does that is unusual (e.g., “Thank you, Wintery Knight, for bringing up the issues du jour about our culture that nobody wants to address — it’s really important someone courageously does!”)
            – smile, be winsome, be encouraging (basic human interaction skills)

            2) After going out on a date, assuming the man pays:
            a- write a hand-written thank-you card especially if you have a great time.
            b- make him some brownies or cookies, especially if you have a great time.

            [The woman] took extra effort and appreciated the man AND differentiated herself AND was not some entitled (whatever unpleasant word I can insert here).

            3) Pay attention to what the man says, especially if the woman asked for help or a book suggestion or whatever.

            Actually do it.

            A lot of these fall under, “the woman shows respect for the man (and who he is).” (Shocking? Surprising?)

            Liked by 1 person

  3. What an unspeakably dreary portrait of college life. Whenever I start examining the lines around my eyes I simply thank the Lord I came of age in an earlier generation and not in this one.

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