Two reasons to avoid premarital sex: trust issues and contact with exes

I have a key that will unlock a puzzling mystery
I have a key that will unlock a puzzling mystery

This is from Family Studies blog.  (H/T Brad Wilcox)


My own research with working-class young adults leads me to believe that they have basically made peace with sexual permissiveness—at least outside of marriage—even as they retain some ambivalence about it. They tend to move in quickly with new romantic partners, even as they worry that people rush too quickly into relationships. From survey data, we know that people without a college education have more lifetime sexual partners than those with a college education, and that most of them see no problem with premarital sex.

But there is one problem: easy access to sex with multiple partners can make for complicated relationships. As sexual partners accumulate, so does the potential for distrust. As one man whose ex-girlfriend had cheated on him explained, “It’s gonna take a lot more time for me to ever trust somebody again like that. I let her in quick, and now it’s never gonna happen again.” One divorced man said simply, “Everyone has to watch their ass all the time.” There is the feeling that no one is safe—even in marriage. As another young man claimed, “Nowadays, even though you got a ring on your finger, people tend to look past that.”

So people describe keeping vigilant watch over their partners’ cell phones, policing for messages from exes. They live an all but married lifestyle, yet they say that they are hesitant to make the commitment of marriage. Why? Part of the reason is that they don’t trust their partner, or themselves, to remain in the marriage. In one survey, 42.5 percent of low-income, unmarried respondents cited “worry that the marriage would end in divorce” as a reason they might not be pursuing marriage, and 23.5 percent cited “questions about whether your partner is trustworthy.” As one young man that I interviewed said after learning that his fiancée was cheating on him, “I don’t trust nobody.”

That distrust is at least partly the legacy of the libertarian sexual ethic, which assumes that sexual activity outside of marriage is typically okay so long as people are mutually consenting to the acts. And that distrust is why I have a hard time believing—as Noah Smith does—that sexual permissiveness will somehow evolve into more stable marriages for the working class. (Indeed, having more sexual partners prior to marriage is linked to greater odds of divorce, as Nicholas Wolfinger and W. Bradford Wilcox recently documented.) There is no invisible hand that will transform James and Jessica’s distrust and cynicism, which stems in part from their multiple past sexual relationships, into trust and an enduring marriage. What the working class needs—what we all need—to achieve our shared aspirations for lifelong love and a stable family is social permission to date without immediately having sex.

That’s important because today young people often assume that withholding sex is a sign of distrust. As James said, if you begin a relationship and don’t have sex, “they automatically assume that you’re cheating.”  But sliding into sex often translates into sliding into a relationship—and children—without first building trust and discerning for character and compatibility. And that slide often contributes to the erosion of trust in the opposite sex and in lifelong love. We must confront that reality if we’re serious about empowering working young adults to achieve trusting relationships.

“Withholding sex” makes it sound bad. You don’t have sex or even do sexual things before marriage because you are trying to prove to your partner that you have self-control enough that when you are married, he/she need not be concerned that you are OK with sex outside of a lifelong commitment. You restrain yourself in order to prove to the other person that you have what it takes in order to be trusted, and the other person does the same to you. It’s not that you are trying to reduce the amount of “fun” you are having, it’s that you are auditioning for a role, and this is what the other person needs to see from you during the courtship – chastity. Chastity demonstrates to them that the commitment you are offering is not based on things that fade, like beauty or youth.


5 thoughts on “Two reasons to avoid premarital sex: trust issues and contact with exes”

  1. Well said. I’m so disappointed with Christian (“Christian?”) friends who don’t care that their kids are sleeping around and even living together as long as they are in a “committed” relationship (whatever that is to them).

    But once these people have unilaterally decided that God’s commandments for sex are optional, why are they so surprised that their spouses don’t think it is a big deal to cheat?

    1. A “committed” relationship means that each person is committed to fun, and to not thinking about the future, or about the needs of children who may result from the fun.

  2. this sounds like my friend. we had a long convo about his breakup and how much he loved her and everything but then when i talk to him again he was in another relationship and talking about he was in love.

  3. The whole idea of a “committed relationship” that isn’t marriage is a contradiction in terms. If a man and a woman have committed to a lifetime of staying together, no matter what, then they’re married. If they haven’t committed to that, it’s not a committed relationship, it’s a conditional relationship. Maybe telling themselves they’re “committed” when they aren’t makes them feel better about having sex, but they’re just deceiving themselves.

    Also, the idea that it’s “withholding sex” not to jump in bed together after the first date or two is ridiculous. It can only be withholding sex if the other person is entitled to sex. That’s not the case until marriage. Once you’re married, your spouse is entitled to sex with you and it is withholding to deny them. But a boyfriend/girlfriend or even fiance/fiancee is not entitled to your body and it’s not withholding sex from them to abstain.

    1. But I see this all the time, even in church. Couples having sex before marriage, and excusing it by saying how they feel about each other, or saying that they are “committed”. A public ceremony where they declare to all their friends and to God that they will care for each other and love each other NO MATTER WHAT THEY FEEL and NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES is what makes giving yourself sexually to someone safe. You don’t want to be coarsening yourself by repeatedly bonding and breaking up with lots of people. Doing things that kindle emotions, then training yourself to shut down your emotions so that you don’t bond to the person, lest they break up with you.

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