Should Christian men consider single mothers for marriage?

Why Christians object to warning men about high-risk relationships?
Why do Christians object to warning men about high-risk relationships?

A while back, I explained my three concerns about attending church. One of them was that male pastors and church leaders have adopted the priorities of radical feminism, and have turned against men who want a traditional marriage in which the man leads and the wife supports. Well, I found something that really illustrates what I mean by that, so that everyone will understand it.

Above, you can see a tweet by Michael Foster, a pastor who hosts a podcast called “It’s Good to be a Man”. His web site states that his goal is: “Extending God’s house & father-rule by helping men to establish their own houses in strength, workmanship & wisdom.”

He explains in subsequent tweets that he is just urging men to ask questions to find out how the woman became a single mother.

Reactions to the tweet

Here are some reactions to the tweet:

The negative reactions are all anti-intellectual and childish, especially trying to refute statistics with “you hurt my feelings” or telling a single personal story as a counterexample.

Here’s a disclaimer. In this post, I am talking about single mothers by choice, and single mothers who initiated divorce. Widows are excluded.

The risks posed by single mother

Now, let’s improve Foster’s warning, by looking at some evidence – is a marriage to a single mother really more likely to result in a bad outcome?

First of all, women initiate 70% of divorces. If you meet a woman who divorced her husband, she either had a defect in her ability to evaluate and choose a man, or she had a defect in her ability to maintain a commitment to the man she chose. Either way, a woman who divorced her previous husband has red flags. There are two possibilities. She either chose a good man or she chose a bad man. If she chose a bad man, then it shows that she didn’t choose a man with good moral character and spiritual leadership. That means that those things were low priorities for her when deciding who to get naked with. Alternatively, she married a good man, and failed to maintain the commitment. Then she has different problems: problems with male leadership, problems with responsibilities, problems with commitment, problems with contentment, etc. You need to ask questions to get to the bottom of what happened, and more importantly, what she has studied and done to change her worldview. Don’t take her words for it, look at her actions.

Second, the number of premarital sex partners a woman has makes her a higher risk of divorce. The more sex partners, the more risk. The problem with women who engage in sex with men who don’t commit to them is that they necessarily don’t see a man’s willingness and ability to commit as valuable when choosing a man. Women who have premarital sex with men who don’t commit see OTHER THINGS as more valuable. They are rewarding the man for his height, his muscles, his tattoos, his piercings, his entertainment of her, etc. A good man should be very wary when a woman who gave her best youth, beauty and sexual interest to men like that now want to “settle” for a boring, unattractive provider who they see as having lower value than the men they gave sex to without requiring a commitment. What they really wanted was bad boys, and they threw sex at those bad boys without asking for commitment. With the man they perceive as low-level, they are insisting on commitment first, because they don’t want this low-level man as badly as they wanted the bad boy. They are settling for less than they feel they deserve. This is where sex-withholding, feelings of unhappiness, and frivolous divorces come from. And by the way, hollering Jesus doesn’t fix that risk any more than hollering Jesus fixes student loans accumulated for a useless non-STEM degree. Jesus-hollering isn’t evidence that a woman has persuaded herself to change her view of which men are the most attractive. A woman’s lack of respect for men who prepare for commitment and who keep their commitments is dangerous for marital stability. The hysterical reactions to a man’s judging a woman for her past mistakes don’t cancel the damage and risks caused by those mistakes. They simply tell the man that this woman is unrepentant, and therefore unteachable, and likely unsuitable for goal-oriented marriage. She is not qualified for the job of wife: self-sacrificial love for her husband, respect for her husband, and supporting her husband in what he is trying to achieve for God.

Here’s what the Bible says about sex outside of heterosexual marriage and about frivolous divorce. Read the critical replies to Foster’s tweet. The critical responses show the default position of church-attending Christian women and pastors to the Bible in this culture. First, the critics don’t accept the Bible as an authority over women’s choices in any area of life. Second, the critics don’t believe that women should bear any responsibility for their past actions. Nobody believes that women choosing bad men is the woman’s fault in this society. So you should assume that single mothers don’t take responsibility for their own failures. And that means that she will have taken no steps to repent of her mistake, and change her character so that she doesn’t make the same mistake again. It’s up to you to look at what she has been reading, listening to, watching, etc. and to check her actions in order to find out what she really thinks about what the Bible says. You can’t marry a woman who responds to any mention of the moral law and moral obligations with denial of responsibility and insults. If she hasn’t become an active crusader against women who choose bad men, and women who choose premarital sex, and women who choose divorce, then you can’t really believe that there’s been any real repentance. The risks to you are too high to take a chance on someone who is not certain. I’ve only ever met one single mother (Kerri) who blamed her own divorce on her own bad decisions.

The culture opposes male leadership

Foster’s warning is intended to help men to make better decisions, so that their relationships will produce results for God. But his critics aren’t interested in what men are trying to achieve for God. They are only concerned that women get what they want, regardles of their past actions. In their opinion, men exists solely to serve the needs of women. Women don’t have to be good enough for marriage, men just have to give them what they want regardless of the woman’s suitability for wife and mother roles. The role of men in any relationship is not to lead and achieve goals for God. Their role is to let women rule over them, disposing of their earnings as they see fit, for the benefit of the woman.

When women are young and pretty, they are entitled to hot bad boys to entertain them. When they are older, have tons of sexual experience, and children from different fathers, they are entitled to a husband to financially support them. But a husband with no power to lead the home, since their past choices of man showed they have no interest in following a man who has good character. And the churches, pastors, courts, schools, hospitals, etc. are all there to enforce this view of men as clowns / slaves.

This is what women are told about the role of men in every area of society. This society, including the Christian parents, Christian pastors, Christian culture, etc. do not produce women who prefer early marriage to men who are good at moral leadership and spiritual leadership. Therefore, men who are chaste, sober, have good educations, good private sector jobs, good savings, etc. need to be extremely careful. Look at the responses to Foster’s tweet, and think: do these people care about providing you with a good wife? Or is their concern all about how to insult you and shame you, until you are submissive to her needs?

Your marriage is your enterprise for serving God

My advice to men right now is to read over every single critical tweet in that thread that Foster started. Imagine that you are trying to get these women to do something in a marriage that is part of your plan to make the marriage serve God. You’re trying to get her to watch a William Lane Craig debate. You’re trying to get her to stop spending money on 50 Shades of Grey and Harry Potter. You’re trying to get her to stop smoking and drinking. You’re trying to get her to talk about the sermon instead of essential oils. You’re trying to get her to read a Thomas Sowell book. You’re trying to get her to not put the kids in day care or public schools.

You need to assume that her response to male leadership like this will be the exact same as the responses that Foster is getting to his tweet. And then after you have assumed it, then you need to keep your hands off that woman. Keep your distance, and ask her questions to find out what her real views are, and whether she is interested in growing into the kind of person who is safe for you to marry. Don’t forget that chastity and sobriety are important during the evaluation process, so that you aren’t influenced away from your leadership role. Don’t listen to her words, look at her actions.

29 thoughts on “Should Christian men consider single mothers for marriage?”

  1. As you mentioned, widows are excluded.

    I will only add one piece of wisdom:

    If you must reject a divorced woman or single mother, I suggest one of these strategies:

    1) Stop calling/emailing or trail off. (Too many women depend on their feelings of warm fuzzies before deciding so if you stop providing the warm fuzzies in dates / emotionally connecting / calling / emailing / texting / etc., it is usually sufficient that the woman decides you and her don’t have chemistry.)

    2) Think hard about a good excuse. Something like “I’m not feeling it and I think anyone with whom I am going to get into a I would have much more chemistry.” (Usually that should do it, since most people don’t want to hear more reasons why you are rejecting them.)

    3) For the rest of your remaining dates if any, which to become a serial, constant complainer monopolizing the conversation. (i.e., make her reject you and make her think she is rejecting you) Primarily use this for overly clingy and or emotional stalker women.

    If all else fails,
    4) Be tactful but don’t bring up the divorce/single mother thing.

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  2. I’m a fervent follower and believer that the Bible calls men to be the leaders of their homes. On the other side of the coin, the Bible also calls women to be submissive to their husbands. However, this article makes some inferences that pique my distaste of how the manner in which some advocates of a patriarchal (and biblical) marriage turn what is meant to be a beautiful communion into an ugly form of headship. Most prominently, the issue of these single mothers being the sole cause for their status. Too much responsibility is laid on the woman, while not enough is handed to the man. Although your statistics read that 70% of women are the petitioners of divorces in America, the reasons behind a portion of these must be considered with a fair perspective. This is not to discount the carelessness of choosing a marriage partner, because that is a highly reasonable factor; however, the blame for a failed marriage can, and most certainly does, fall on the husband. The clearest example of this can be found in Scripture where Jesus permits divorce in the circumstances of adultery and desertion. Unfortunately, the statistics for these cases would likely be much higher for the husband, rather than the wife. Yes, she’d have made a bad choice in marrying such a man, but the fact remains that we all change as we age. Someone who may have been a faithful spiritual leader at the start of a relationship may have morphed into a fool. All that said, we ought to use discernment when making accusations against an entire league of single mothers and make sure context is considered when making judgments. Accountability is a dying character trait and transparency follows close behind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m grateful for your comment because ei think that this is the default view in the church today, among the leadership and among the laity. I think it’s important for men to understand that this is how most churchy Christians see marriage and how they sort of deny the statistics and rationalize blaming men regardless of facts. That’s. The normal Christian view. And so what is like to see is more men asking marriage candidates questions to surface these videos so that men understand what they are getting into with marriage.

      Just FYI, in other places I have blogged on studies showing that marriage instability is called by the woman’s unhappiness, and that the woman’s unhappiness is caused by having a higher number of premarital sexual partners. That’s the actual reason, although as you point out, no one in the church accepts research, because they want to blame men and that is their God.

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  3. I agree that men ought to be choosier in their marriage partners. I also agree that the many churches are softening the role of a husband and the role of the wife. I do not blame men, but humanity as a whole. I do love that your article calls men to question their potential partners, but I also sense a bent towards blaming the women. There is a fine balance on this issue and that is what I’m calling attention to.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jesus has a very good reason for not marrying a divorced woman – it makes her an adulterer, and being an adulterer is not a great way to make it into the Kingdom:

    “And He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”” – Jesus (Mark10:11-12)

    I have noticed that when I post these verses along with Malachi 2:16 (“God hates divorce!”), I get a ton of pushback, almost all from women who initiated their divorces because he “abused” her, but often with all sorts of “spiritual” definitions for “abuse.”

    Of course, none of that has anything to do with Christ’s command to NOT remarry, even if the divorce were justified (in the case of adultery) by Him.

    Isn’t it weird how these Words of Christ Himself were so clear for nearly 2000 years, but so “misunderstood” for the last 60?

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    1. I would be more inclined to take female claims of abuse seriously if they would be clear and specific about what they mean by “abuse.” If what they describe is criminal behavior, then I’d ask if they contacted the police and sought to have their husband charged and incarcerated for their safety.

      However, this is only the case in rare circumstances. In most cases, women are extremely vague about their claims of “abuse.” They’ll quickly start using terms like “emotional abuse,” “financial abuse,” “verbal abuse.” Seldom will anyone make claims of serious criminal behavior.

      When you study the domestic violence industry, you’ll very quickly discover that the modern paradigm was crafted by openly feminist professors whose objective was not to prevent real abuse but to put women in charge of the household through force of law. I’ve made a video about this that can be found on my blog and YouTube channel if you’d like to check it out.

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  5. The early Christians (I mean pre-Rome) were unanimous in understanding that there is no allowable reason for divorce and marriage, EVEN adultery. This applies to men AND women. The so called “exception” clause is not present in the other synoptic gospels. It was generally understood that, grammatically, the clause referred to the putting away part (a man could put away an adulterer and be blameless) not to the remarrying part. This harmonizes all the gospels which are ALL God’s word and are all equally true/authoritative.

    Additionally, the conjunction in the Matthew verse can be translated as “notwithstanding” placing even more emphasis on the no-divorce-and-remarriage teaching. This would explain the disciples rather surprised reaction to Jesus’ teaching.

    If Jesus’ teaching was that you could divorce for adultery, this would mean he was siding with one of the two major rabbinical schools – this would not have produced the reaction that it did in his disciples and siding with Pharisees was out of character for Jesus – he calls us to a higher standard for marriage.

    A single mom is probably some other man’s wife.

    Men and women abuse and cheat at about the same proportion, so that doesn’t explain the discrepancy in divorce filings (actually higher than 70% since some men are coerced into filing).

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    1. I don’t think Christ promoting one teaching over another means he’s siding with the teacher…or Pharisee…who also promotes that teaching.

      By Biblical teaching, any “mom”…one who conceived the child herself…is some other man’s wife because it was the sexual union that makes the two one flesh.

      Just sayin’.

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      1. When we say a woman is a man’s wife (in a Christian context) we are talking about marriage. Christian marriage is a creation of the will, not the flesh.

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    2. Thank you, Cameron!

      There are a lot of creative ways for resolving those who find themselves in an adulterous “marriage.” Interestingly, the man financially supporting the remarried woman even after absolving that “marriage” (adultery according to Christ) is one of them. Some of the women even remain on the property of the man – no sex of course.

      As a side note, Catholics are wrong on annulments, and priest shopping is the du jour for women who divorce their husbands and try to gain anulments to remarry.

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      1. The priest isn’t the marriage tribunal – the body the renders the verdict.

        An annulment is properly termed declaration of nullity – a legal verdict that carries moral (actionable) but not absolute certitude. It is supposed to be reserved for extraordinary circumstances e.g. coerced (non) consent but alas is abused in the American Church. Then again, a lot of people consent to God-only-knows-what – e.g. if you think two men can get married you probably don’t understand what God’s definition of marriage is.

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  6. I married a single mom. She was young and stupid when she got married (her self-assessment, but given the dude, she’s totally correct), but despite his cheating on her, she was keen on counseling and working things out. He wasn’t interested.

    We’ve been married since Apr, 1990 which came after seven years of courting. In all that time, we’ve not had to test the notion of “who’s boss” and we are really two halves of a whole. I don’t push her around demanding submission, but I have made clear that I’m responsible before God for the moral condition of the family and I will have the last word where I feel strongly situations dictate I must. Yet, we pretty much see eye to eye anyway, so it’s never been an issue.

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  7. A woman is responsible for making her own choices. The major problem here is the fact that there aren’t many decent men because so many fathers are not modeling righteous examples to their sons, showing them how to be good husbands. Men have had control in society ( instead of submitting to God) and they are likely the ones who created double standards and societal “norms.”
    They conditioned girls and women to be dependent upon men’s approval. Most females could not tolerate the idea of not having a husband and children. They would be judged.
    Then you wonder why women were not picky enough? It is easy to become a single mother when you become impregnated hoping for a family and he is a lousy typical sperm donors.
    Women should learn from it but many don’t. They have often read romance novels and are hoping they will come to life in their life.
    Being conditioned to idolize men and marriage, many women were willing to settle for less. Many fathers are not raising their sons to be good husband material in most cases. Fathers Town fathers didn’t train them to be good husbands most of the time..
    In addition, girls learn early the “boys will be boys” garbage and it is an allowance to let boys get away with sins. It conditions women early on to be too tolerant of male debauchery.
    This was for men’s convenience: Have high standards for girls and women and lower standard for men. It is not Biblical.
    Like satan in the garden of Eden men are crafty with their words. Many of the fathers fail to warn daughters properly about what they would be dealing with when dealing with men.
    Fathers love to throw out rules to their daughters about not having sex before marriage, but often fathers are abusive and or neglectful and their daughters are yearning for love and they turn to men and sex.
    Fathers have sons who have aged into “men” but are not bred and trained properly. These men are often sperm donors, liars, and make up the majority.
    Their fathers did not care to train them in righteousness, and in how to have healthy relationships, to love,value and respect women.
    Some men can often be big cowards. They love to blame women and feminists. The root problem is misogyny, father absenteeism, father abuse, father neglect, husband neglect, rebellion against God in their leadership, and improperly bred, improperly trained sons who have too much free reign.
    Fathers perhaps taught sons to make money and play sports, but neglected to show them by example and through instruction how to love and have healthy relationships.
    Fathers often fail to counteract societal evil influence and locker room talk with their boys. They give them too much free reign and are relieved they cannot get pregnant.
    If it is so good to be a man, why won’t they do what God called them to do?
    Why have they created an altered reality where they highjack God’s word and do what they want to do? Instead of obey.
    They can’t seem to tolerate reality. Is it so great because they are doing what they want to do instead of what God called them to do?
    They could not be the selfless, loving, responsible people God calls them to be, because it does not appeal to their flesh. Therefore they create an “easy” life for themselves by disobeying God’s word and blaming women
    If it is so good to be them why do they reject God’s truth and do what THEY want?
    Why are many men so mean, feel the need to make life difficult for women, if they are so happy? Why do they oppress and discriminate against women?
    Seems some try so hard to pump themselves up and convince themselves they are happy to be a man. But they act so miserable! Lol. Sometimes I think that is why they are so miserable toward women is because they are not happy.
    If we face truth, many boys are broken by their father, grow to adult, feel unaffirmed, inadequate, have built up rage and contempt, and they target the women in their lives. They are miserable, full of ego, and rebellion against God.
    Judgement day is coming for all. Convenient life on earth disobeying God and bragging is not worth the wrath of God on judgement day.
    Many men are cowards who blame women.
    They have the fear of MAN, which cancels out the fear of GOD. THAT’S WHY THEY REFUSE TO GET RIGHT. They don’t fear God but live a life pleasing to their flesh.

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    1. All of that is very true, and it is especially nice to see many parents now push for purity with their sons and daughters.

      The main problem is that we men already know that we are scum: the school systems teach it, the media reinforces it, one political party thrives off of it, and the churches pound it home. All of the sins of men, real and imagined, are on display in our culture – and in our churches which are supposed to be DIFFERENT from our culture, but almost never are.

      Now, if women had equal cultural attention to their flaws, pastors would be preaching how 2020 girls and women are whores and Jezebels, we would see movies made of women trapping men into relationships with their witchcraft, horror flicks about no fault divorce and predatory women in abortions, and the schools would be sending little girls to the office for dressing like little sluts.

      Now, THAT is what REAL equality in our culture would really look like.

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      1. The sins of men and women should get equal attention.
        You and I both know that past, present, and likely future, men have behaved more lawlessly than women in nearly everything, so we cannot pretend that is not true in the name of equality.

        It is just the nature of men and women. In addition, men made rules to try to cover themselves for their lawlessness by creating double standards and conditioning boys and girls, men and women to hold girls and women to a higher standard than males.

        It is not Biblical but is and was convenient for the men. It is time to step up as men and women, own wrongdoing and repent. There is no place for pride, cowardice, deflecting or running from truth. Run but they can’t hide.
        Men are leaders but many often want control instead of submitting to God and setting righteous examples.
        They want control but often run from responsibility and accountability and blaming others.
        That has not worked and will not work-ever.

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        1. I agree with “the sins of men and women should get equal attention” and pray for the day when that actually happens.

          Because of rampant feminism, including inside of the churches, women get a pass for their sinning while men get beat over the heads for their non-sinning.

          That is the reality of today, 2020. Time for women to clean up their own houses and stop blaming men for their own abominable sins of rampant adultery, divorce, and child sacrifice.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Yes, women absolutely need to get right and will answer for their wickedness, including child sacrifice.

            Just because a lot of men are simply sperm donors and incapable of love, doesn’t mean a woman should allow herself to become impregnated and then murder her unborn precious, innocent children.

            Women have wanted families and love for a long time without actually finding love with men, who typically are not bred and trained for relationships and love. Often, women don’t even find love with their husbands.
            Many women have become very cold. They need Jesus; not to idolize men and relationships. Jesus satisfies.

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          2. Excellent points!

            And some men also idolize women, to the detriment of both.

            Thank you for your great discussion!

            Liked by 1 person

    2. This comment sums up the double-think / mental gymnastics women go through to make women’s bad behavior mens fault. The exact type of sentiment that is promulgated through mainstream Christianity today.
      This article is aimed at warning men from engaging with women who have demonstrated their poor choices with regards to marriage and family. Specifically, this article gives some statistical analysis as to why such woman generally are a poor choice for Christian men to date and marry.
      It still amazes me that these types of comments are posted nearly everytime women in our culture are criticized online.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. You did. But you also blamed fathers for the bad behaviors of both men and women. You criticized men for failing to live up to their fatherly obligations.

          Do you know what the number one thing preventing fathers from instructing their children in the ways of God? The State. The State, through force and the threat of force, separates men from their children, steals their wealth/inheritance through child support, and prevents men from leading godly families. If men resist the State, then they can be imprisoned and risk never seeing their children again.

          Do you know who involves the State in families 100% of the time? Women.

          Its 2021, male shaming tactics have lost their bite.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Well, there are times the state needs to be involved. Like when men are slacking and or violent. There is no way the state should stop a man from loving, providing for, and guiding his family correctly.

            They often intervene when something is wrong. The state is against all the sperm donors, dead beats and rageaholic men out there who abandon women they have impregnated and who abandon their children, because they can’t be bothered with them, but they wanted to donate the sperm. Some men hate responsibility and accountability.

            I do believe that because many men have been this way, the court system is now biased, as if every man is a deadbeat. Every man is not a dead beat thankfully. It is likely some women are just malicious and involve the state when it is unnecessary.

            It is easy to blame. Notice in Malachi, fathers are the issue addressed: “Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord:
            And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.”
            Malachi 4: 5: 6.

            “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” Colossians 3: 19.
            Men are often harsh and emotionally unavailable with their wives. Often, this can be traced back to his background/childhood which he refuses to surrender to Jesus and get help for.

            “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” Colossians 3: 21.

            I believe a man can certainly feel overwhelmed and burdened with the tasks that the Lord has given him. This is why they need to rely on God to strengthen them and equip them to do what he has called them to do. Many won’t submit to God and don’t fear him, though. They want to be their own god, controlling others.

            In addition, men need to stop blaming women and burdening the women and taking out their frustration, stress, and anger on their wives and children.
            So many women are trying to take on almost all responsibilities because of passivity from their husband.
            Many women desire a man who is a godly leader. Not a controller. It is innate in a woman to desire such, but dealing with rebellious men who rebel against God has a lot of women in rebellion now. They are reflecting men’s rebellion, because some have given up.

            Women really need to do a lot more praying for men, I think. We are to pray for ourselves too, of course.
            That said, praise God for men do who please God as fathers and husbands.

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  8. That said, yes, men should be careful about choosing single mothers, and women need to always be careful about which men they become involved with.

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    1. Thank you for your comments. It is rare to see a modern Christian woman’s views on men outlined in such plain terms. I’ll make sure to tell all the Christian men in my life to man up and take responsibility. I’m sure they will be really receptive to that message this time. Either way, enjoy your cats.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t have cats. I have standards for myself and for a godly man.🙂
        A woman as a godly helpmeet will affirm only righteousness in a man. It is God’s will be done. I am not supposed to help a man rebel against God and reward him by marrying him when he won’t submit to Jesus Christ. Too many women have done that, started families, and the sad state of society is proof of it.

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      2. It is not “man up” in a nasty way, but the Christ-like example is not to blame women and burden them. Jesus initiated love, servitude and holiness.
        So instead of man up, perhaps I should say, let’s both men and women rise to the wonderful calling God has for us.

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  9. Reblogged this on My 2 Cents and commented:
    I encourage everyone to check out this amazing article from blogger Wintery Knight. However, beyond simply the article itself, be sure to check out the long thread that has ensued in the comments section. This comment thread demonstrates perfectly what one of Wintery’s main points was all along. When women are called out for their bad behavior, the impulse of nearly everyone in our post-feminist culture is to engage in mental gymnastics to make the bad decisions of women somehow the fault of men.

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