Why would a woman want to participate in the hook-up culture?

Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?
Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?

Note: in this article, when I refer to women, I mean young, unmarried women who have been influenced by feminism. I do not mean all women, and especially not married women.

My good friend Tom sent me this article from the ultra left-wing Vanity Fair. Tom is a veteran of the brutal New York City dating scene.

The article is contains sex and bad language. Reader discretion is advised.


It’s a balmy night in Manhattan’s financial district, and at a sports bar called Stout, everyone is Tindering. The tables are filled with young women and men who’ve been chasing money and deals on Wall Street all day, and now they’re out looking for hookups. Everyone is drinking, peering into their screens and swiping on the faces of strangers they may have sex with later that evening.

Tinder is a hook-up app that people use to find people to have sex with, based solely on their photograph.

The article says this:

“Romance is completely dead, and it’s the girls’ fault,” says Alex, 25, a New Yorker who works in the film industry. “They act like all they want is to have sex with you and then they yell at you for not wanting to have a relationship. How are you gonna feel romantic about a girl like that? Oh, and by the way? I met you on Tinder.

“Women do exactly the same things guys do,” said Matt, 26, who works in a New York art gallery. “I’ve had girls sleep with me off OkCupid and then just ghost me”—that is, disappear, in a digital sense, not returning texts. “They play the game the exact same way. They have a bunch of people going at the same time—they’re fielding their options. They’re always looking for somebody better, who has a better job or more money.” A few young women admitted to me that they use dating apps as a way to get free meals. “I call it Tinder food stamps,” one said.

Even the emphasis on looks inherent in a dating game based on swiping on photos is something men complain women are just as guilty of buying into. “They say in their profiles, ‘No shirtless pictures,’ but that’s bulls**t,” says Nick, the same as above. “The day I switched to a shirtless picture with my tattoos, immediately, within a few minutes, I had, like, 15 matches.”

And if women aren’t interested in being treated as sexual objects, why do they self-objectify in their profile pictures? some men ask. “There’s a lot of girls who are just like, Check me out, I’m hot, I’m wearing a bikini,” says Jason…

Men talk about the nudes they receive from women. They show off the nudes. “T*t pics and booty pics,” said Austin, 22, a college student in Indiana. “My phone is full of ‘em.”

Although the article, and the women who are interviewed, try to pass themselves off as victims, it’s very clear that they are full participants in this hook-up culture. It’s “fun” for them to be free and independent – no responsibilities, expectations or obligations from a relationship. They want fun right now, without the leadership of a husband, or the demands of small children.

Feminist writer Hanna Rosin says that this hook-up culture is great:

Some, like Atlantic writer Hanna Rosin, see hookup culture as a boon: “The hookup culture is … bound up with everything that’s fabulous about being a young woman in 2012—the freedom, the confidence.”

The Vanity Fair author comments:

“Short-term mating strategies” seem to work for plenty of women too; some don’t want to be in committed relationships, either, particularly those in their 20s who are focusing on their education and launching careers.

Previously, I quoted a feminist professor writing in the New York Times. She also thought that it was great that women were hooking up with hot guys for fun, but staying focused on their educations and careers.

Here’s Amanda to explain it:

“There is no dating. There’s no relationships,” says Amanda… “They’re rare. You can have a fling that could last like seven, eight months and you could never actually call someone your ‘boyfriend.’ [Hooking up] is a lot easier. No one gets hurt—well, not on the surface.”

Who doesn’t want to have sex? Well, me for one. At least, not till I’m married.

Amanda later explains that she doesn’t want to care, because caring would mean that she “somehow missed the whole memo about third-wave feminism”. She has to be independent – able to dismiss responsibilities, expectations and obligations in order to pursue happiness with education, career, travel and promiscuity.

I know Christian women who think they are fundamentalists who have this exact same attitude. They think that relationships are somehow compatible with doing whatever they want to do – that doing whatever makes them happy each and every moment will somehow turn into life-long married love.

Why don’t women reject the men who use them like kleenexes? Why is the man’s appearance so much more important than his suitability for the marriage roles of husband and father? Well, feminism tells women that gender distinctions are “sexist”, that chivalry is “sexist”, that chastity is “repressive” because it blocks having recreational sex, that marriage is boring and must be delayed, and that having lots of sexual experience makes you more attractive. They measure men by how the man makes them feel and whether he will be impressive physically to their peers. They aren’t looking for a man who can perform tradional male roles like protector or provider or moral and spiritual leader – because male leadership is “sexist”.

As always, should you, as a young Christian man of some means, desire to get married, then I recommend using my checklist to validate your candidate. I know a lot of women who married without any intention of being a wife and mother. Sometimes, they marry just because their friends are all getting married. If you as a man do not check this woman’s reasons for marrying, you may find yourself legally bound to someone who “settled” for you. And who has no intention of respecting you or educating your children.

9 thoughts on “Why would a woman want to participate in the hook-up culture?”

  1. “I know Christian women who think they are fundamentalists who have this exact same attitude.”

    This is how a lot of “christian” women view Jesus too. They “use” Him to get what they want and to have a comfy prosperous lifestyle, even within a solid marriage, They know nothing of denying themselves and picking up a cross and following Him.

    They will find out, sadly too late, that Jesus does NOT get used. They have invented a false “jesus,” a cosmic sky butler, one with no Wrath or Judgment, no Cost of Discipleship.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This reminds me of how Tomi Lahren complained in her recent “PSA for Boyish Men,” that men need to find out if they are “actually single.” She was deeply offended, apparently, to find out that the man she’d been sleeping with was actually seeing 5 other women.

    However, as this article notes, women are for the most part doing the same thing. Seeing/texting/sleeping with multiple guys all at once, hoping to settle down only once she finds the hottest, richest, most exciting male around. Funny thing is, when she finds him, he always seems to be dating multiple women, and then she has the gall to accuse him of being the one in the wrong.

    Men and women alike need to face the reality that if you have sex with someone casually and early in a relationship, it shows that neither of you value commitment. As such, how can you be offended when the other party “cheats.” What exactly did you expect from someone who offered up sex so easily?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. They go for men who have demonstrated that they don’t commit. They think that the man they choose will convert into a commitment ready man when given casual sex. The problem is that they consider looks more important than commitment, then complain that they can’t get commitment. Make commitment ability – sobriety, chastity, protecting, providing, moral leadership, spiritual leadership – the top priority. And go after it early, don’t work on your career any more than you have to.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. They work on their promiscuity and career until they hit the “wall”.
    Then they start to get serious and try to find A good guy to marry them.
    They have been ran through by many men, and at this time they think they are a prize to be Courted and married!
    Fortunately, man are realizing this, although, slowly, and look else where for a hopefully more suitable wife candidate!
    Why any man would wish to marry AT ALL, today is beyond my ability to comprehend!
    Not only the almost complete lack of marriageable women,
    but repressive , punitive laws towards married men!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “ They think that relationships are somehow compatible with doing whatever they want to do – that doing whatever makes them happy each and every moment will somehow turn into life-long married love.”

    And this is precisely why they will never find that love.

    I don’t enjoy or laugh at other people’s misfortunes, but neither do I have any sympathy when one’s arrogance and narcissism comes back to bite them. Especially when they should know better.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Interesting quote from your article, and I assume concerning secular/non-Christian relationships,
    “One dimension of this is the impact it has on men’s psychology. When there is a surplus of women, or a perceived surplus of women, the whole mating system tends to shift towards short-term dating. Marriages become unstable. Divorces increase. Men don’t have to commit, so they pursue a short-term mating strategy. Men are making that shift, and women are forced to go along with it in order to mate at all.”

    In addition, women who want relationships or even marriages, this shifts the power balance all the more towards men (i.e., there are a lot more women who want to be married than men who want to be married).

    The above is of course euphemized/cleaned up. If men have a surplus of women or perceived surplus of women, non-Christian men shift towards Friends With Benefits/Sex With No String Attached. And of course they’re then enabled by horny, unscrupled, unprincipled women.

    Many of these women basically go for hot bodied men (as indicated in the article). And then as Pick Up Artists have indicated, the skillsets needed for being 1) a good boyfriend 2) being a husband are extremely different than the skillset for being a good pick up artist (duh).

    And I disagree about the “…women are forced to go along with it in order to mate at all.” No. Sex is a terrible bait to find a solid husband if you’re a woman.

    Just like in college admissions, if you’re average, you’re mediocre, you have nothing that sets you apart, you’re not going to an elite college.

    I’m glad to be married (celebrating a decade in a few weeks!) — and what I was looking for was a needle in a haystack. She had to say no to guys who expected sex after the first date and after the second date. We waited. Until wedding night.

    She was a virgin, had her doctorate in STEM, solid job, served as Bible study/adult Sunday school coordinator for her church, president of Cru in college. And attractive. There were a lot of other qualities and similar interests.

    What’s a Christian woman to do?
    * raise your standards and adopt God’s standards
    * develop discernment
    * be obedient to God
    * be content
    * encourage godly male leadership

    [On a tangent:

    Of course, while we Christians are supposed to be in the world and not of the world, there are plenty of nominal Christians who have imbibed the culture.

    I was lamenting to a Christian friend that I personally knew a half-dozen nominal Christian women I know who had kids or are having kids with their long-term boyfriends (not married, no wedding announcements) or had divorces or had FWB/NSA sex.]

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It’s rare to find a Christian woman who is able to evaluate a man as a leader of a home with respect to education, career, finances, apologetics, mentoring. Etc. They – as much as secular women – want to be “free” to make the decision based on intuitions and feelings. Thinking about who will pay for what, and how the children will be educated, are questions best not discussed. Too serious. And boring.

      Liked by 1 person

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