The New York Times says that more and more women are having to freeze their eggs because they can’t find good men to marry. The NYT doesn’t think that women are doing anything wrong. They blame the men for refusing to commit. According to feminism, women who value careers, abortion rights, no-fault divorce, big government, high taxes, etc. are doing everything right. But does it work?
I thought it might be a good idea to help Western women to make better decisions with men and marriage. Although setting out boundaries seems harsh and restrictive, it’s actually protective and loving. If we want women to get to a stable marriage and children, (what they really need long term, after they lose their looks and youth), then we should be bold about leading them.
The first thing to point out is that the women celebrated by the New York Times are intentionally delaying marriage for their education and careers.
Another New York Times article explains:
It could be that the new generation of millennial women is delaying having children even longer than the women who came before them, as prime childbearing years are also critical years for advancing in a career. A recent study shows that the marital pay gap that springs up after a first child is born typically does not close if the birth happens between age 25 and 35.
Shannon Hettinger, a 32-year-old from Washington, D.C., said she definitely wanted children. She grew up in a large family in a small town in Pennsylvania and almost all her high school friends are married with children. But she moved to Washington, and spent her 20s deciding on a career. Now that she has one she loves — she works in residential real estate sales — she is not going to stop until she gets established. That means not having children for a while.
“I just want to build my book of business and see where I can go from here,” she said. “My whole focus is career growth. That’s my No. 1 priority.”
“Once I achieve a certain level of success,” she added, “then I’ll start thinking about a family.”
Ivy Gray-Klein, 26, who lives in Philadelphia and works at the University of Pennsylvania School of Design, said she was open to having children but cannot imagine doing so until she is 30 or 35. She wants to feel settled in her own life first. Now she has three roommates, is paying down her student loans and is working to build a little bit of savings.
“I’m just really trying to get myself to a place that is solid,” she said by phone. “Having a child right now would be so destabilizing. Children just seem like such an enormous financial undertaking.”
The thing about women wanting to pursue their careers in their 20s is that this is the time when they have the most attractiveness to a man as a wife and mother. The woman’s 20s are the perfect time for her to be searching through the men in her life, looking for the ones who are serious about marriage, while rejecting the ones who just want sex before marriage, cohabitation, and other irresponsible “fun”. Most women who are focusing on their careers will still be in relationships during their 20s, but since they can’t afford to be “encumbered” by marriage, they’ll be spending time with guys who don’t want to commit. This is NOT a good way for a woman to prepare her character for marriage. Flings and break-ups with bad boys do not cause a woman to be trusting with a good man later on.
However, are women ever really attracted to good men? Suppose a woman chased bad boys in her 20s, while focusing on her career, then got serious at 30 and started looking for marriage-read men. Would she really be attracted to those marriage-ready men, after all that time spent choosing the bad boys who would not commit?I think many marriage-ready men know that most women who are 30 or over have kept busy in relationships with bad boys. And they don’t want to be married to a woman who finds them unattractive. So the real problem with men not marrying women who are over 30 is the that many women are not trained to be attracted to good men in their 20s.
Here’s an LA Times editorial about women and domestic terrorist Dzhokar Tsarnaev, one of the Boston marathon bombers.
Mostly, though, they think Dzhokhar is cute. The Bambi eyes (looking right out of his Instagram-doctored photos at you!), the hipster facial stubble, the masses of wine-dark tousled hair — adorable! Impassioned believers have written “Dzhokhar is innocent” on their hands and plastered “Innocent until proven guilty!!!!” posters around their towns. An 18-year-old waitress interviewed by the New York Post vowed to have Dzhokhar’s last tweet before the bombing tattooed onto her arm: “If you have the knowledge and the inspiration all that’s left is to take action.”
[…]But the real cause of the Jahar craze more likely lies in something more primal and less pretty in the female psyche. I’m betting that women, young and old, are drawn to Dzhokhar not because he is a good-looking late adolescent but because he is a good-looking accused killer. He’s a classic “bad boy” of the sort to whom women are chronically attracted because they want to reform them, or minister to their wounds, or be the healing presence they’ve never had — but mostly because they find them sexy.
That article also noted:
It’s not surprising, then, that every homicide perp on death row who is reasonably attractive has groupies. Consider the handsome (and widely philandering) Scott Peterson, sentenced in 2005 for killing his wife and unborn son and throwing their remains into San Francisco Bay. The day he checked into San Quentin, he received three dozen phone calls from smitten women, including an 18-year-old who wanted to become the second Mrs. Peterson.
Some of the tweets and other fangirl comments about Tsarnaev were collected in this New York Post article.
Lots of Western women from the UK, France, Russia, etc. all picked up and moved to the Middle East to become ISIS jihadi brides.
Western women joining Islamic State are increasingly from comfortable backgrounds and often well educated with romantic notions of adventure often quickly dispelled by the harshness of life as a “Jihadi bride”, according to a British research report.
Some 550 women from Western countries have left their homelands to join Islamic State, which has captured swathes of Syria and Iraq, said the report by the Institute for Strategic Dialogue and the International Centre for the Study of Radicalisation at King’s College, London.
[…]It said female recruits were increasingly younger, some from comfortable backgrounds and often well-educated, and were playing “crucial” propaganda and recruitment roles.
That article is three years old, the numbers have more than doubled since then. The most common reasons cited for leaving are romance and adventure.
Psychology Today has some comments about why some women do this:
In her post, “Women Who Love Serial Killers,” PT blogger, Katherine Ramsland, offers some suggestions about why some women can be so attracted to, or hopelessly beguiled by, the most terrifying of human predators. At first, she provides explanations from the women themselves, women who actually married these dangerously unhinged criminals. Their reasons (somewhat elaborated here) include the assumptions that:
their love can transform the convict: from cunning and cruel, to caring, concerned, and compassionate.
there’s a wounded child nested somewhere inside the killer that can be healed through a devoted nurturance that only they can provide.
they might share the killer’s media spotlight, and so triumphantly emerge from their anonymity, and maybe in the process even land a book or movie deal (an aspiration about as cynical as it is narcissisticand self-serving).
And this is even more interesting:
To simplify this work’s findings for my present purpose, however, let me begin by emphasizing that Ogas and Gaddam find substantial evidence from Web searches, posts, and many 1,000s of romance novels that women demonstrate a strong erotic preference for dominant men. Or toward what’s now commonly referred to as alpha males—in the authors’ words, men who are “strong, confident, [and] swaggering [as in “cocky,” and the pun is intended].” Unfortunately, what these descriptors often imply is behavior sufficiently bearish, self-centered, and insensitive as to often cross the line into a physical, mental, and emotional abuse that can be downright brutal.
[…]Moreover, in responding to the question as to whether some men, such as “serial killers, violent offenders, and rapists,” might be too dominant for women to accept, Ogas and Gaddam note: “It turns out that killing people is an effective way to elicit the attention of many women: virtually every serial killer, including Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and David Berkowitz, have received love letters from large numbers of female fans” (p. 98).
Women choose good-looking bad boys, because they think that they can change them:
The fantasy that seems to be operating in such devotees, and that constitutes the plot of virtually all erotic/romantic novels written with women in mind, is that the “misogyny and jerkdom” they might have to battle with in such super-dominant males is only temporary. That it doesn’t really represent the man’s innermost reality. That his violence and lack of tender feelings is only the beginning of the story, and that their unsparing love, affection, and dedication can ultimately transform his character by helping him get in touch with his, well, “inner goo.”
I don’t think it’s wrong for women to do STEM degrees, and even go to graduate school, and work a couple of years in the private sector. The problems occur when they want to have relationships during those years, but not with men who want to commit. The experiences they have with the hot bad boys in that time cause them to be disatisfied with marriage-minded men (self-control, frugality, provider ability, chastity, loyalty, mentoring, etc.) later on when they do want to marry. And marriage-minded men KNOW THAT. We aren’t going to be tricked into marriage to someone who finds the shallow characteristics of irresponsible bad boys more attractive than men who have demonstrated ability at the husband and father roles.