Why are so many educated, successful women struggling to find a husband?

Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?
Do young women understand how to get to a stable marriage?

The New York Times says that more and more women are having to freeze their eggs because they can’t find good men to marry. The NYT doesn’t think that women are doing anything wrong. They blame the men for refusing to commit. According to feminism, women who value careers, abortion rights, no-fault divorce, big government, high taxes, etc. are doing everything right. But does it work?

I thought it might be a good idea to help Western women to make better decisions with men and marriage. Although setting out boundaries seems harsh and restrictive, it’s actually protective and loving. If we want women to get to a stable marriage and children, (what they really need long term, after they lose their looks and youth), then we should be bold about leading them.

The first thing to point out is that the women celebrated by the New  York Times are intentionally delaying marriage for their education and careers.

Another New York Times article explains:

It could be that the new generation of millennial women is delaying having children even longer than the women who came before them, as prime childbearing years are also critical years for advancing in a career. A recent study shows that the marital pay gap that springs up after a first child is born typically does not close if the birth happens between age 25 and 35.

Shannon Hettinger, a 32-year-old from Washington, D.C., said she definitely wanted children. She grew up in a large family in a small town in Pennsylvania and almost all her high school friends are married with children. But she moved to Washington, and spent her 20s deciding on a career. Now that she has one she loves — she works in residential real estate sales — she is not going to stop until she gets established. That means not having children for a while.

“I just want to build my book of business and see where I can go from here,” she said. “My whole focus is career growth. That’s my No. 1 priority.”

“Once I achieve a certain level of success,” she added, “then I’ll start thinking about a family.”

Ivy Gray-Klein, 26, who lives in Philadelphia and works at the University of Pennsylvania School of Design, said she was open to having children but cannot imagine doing so until she is 30 or 35. She wants to feel settled in her own life first. Now she has three roommates, is paying down her student loans and is working to build a little bit of savings.

“I’m just really trying to get myself to a place that is solid,” she said by phone. “Having a child right now would be so destabilizing. Children just seem like such an enormous financial undertaking.”

The thing about women wanting to pursue their careers in their 20s is that this is the time when they have the most attractiveness to a man as a wife and mother. The woman’s 20s are the perfect time for her to be searching through the men in her life, looking for the ones who are serious about marriage, while rejecting the ones who just want sex before marriage, cohabitation, and other irresponsible “fun”. Most women who are focusing on their careers will still be in relationships during their 20s, but since they can’t afford to be “encumbered” by marriage, they’ll be spending time with guys who don’t want to commit. This is NOT a good way for a woman to prepare her character for marriage. Flings and break-ups with bad boys do not cause a woman to be trusting with a good man later on.

However, are women ever really attracted to good men? Suppose a woman chased bad boys in her 20s, while focusing on her career, then got serious at 30 and started looking for marriage-read men. Would she really be attracted to those marriage-ready men, after all that time spent choosing the bad boys who would not commit?I think many marriage-ready men know that most women who are 30 or over have kept busy in relationships with bad boys. And they don’t want to be married to a woman who finds them unattractive. So the real problem with men not marrying women who are over 30 is the that many women are not trained to be attracted to good men in their 20s.

Here’s an LA Times editorial about women and domestic terrorist Dzhokar Tsarnaev, one of the Boston marathon bombers.

Excerpt:

Mostly, though, they think Dzhokhar is cute. The Bambi eyes (looking right out of his Instagram-doctored photos at you!), the hipster facial stubble, the masses of wine-dark tousled hair — adorable! Impassioned believers have written “Dzhokhar is innocent” on their hands and plastered “Innocent until proven guilty!!!!” posters around their towns. An 18-year-old waitress interviewed by the New York Post vowed to have Dzhokhar’s last tweet before the bombing tattooed onto her arm: “If you have the knowledge and the inspiration all that’s left is to take action.”

[…]But the real cause of the Jahar craze more likely lies in something more primal and less pretty in the female psyche. I’m betting that women, young and old, are drawn to Dzhokhar not because he is a good-looking late adolescent but because he is a good-looking accused killer. He’s a classic “bad boy” of the sort to whom women are chronically attracted because they want to reform them, or minister to their wounds, or be the healing presence they’ve never had — but mostly because they find them sexy.

That article also noted:

It’s not surprising, then, that every homicide perp on death row who is reasonably attractive has groupies. Consider the handsome (and widely philandering) Scott Peterson, sentenced in 2005 for killing his wife and unborn son and throwing their remains into San Francisco Bay. The day he checked into San Quentin, he received three dozen phone calls from smitten women, including an 18-year-old who wanted to become the second Mrs. Peterson.

Some of the tweets and other fangirl comments about Tsarnaev were collected in this New York Post article.

Lots of Western women from the UK, France, Russia, etc. all picked up and moved to the Middle East to become ISIS jihadi brides.

Excerpt:

Western women joining Islamic State are increasingly from comfortable backgrounds and often well educated with romantic notions of adventure often quickly dispelled by the harshness of life as a “Jihadi bride”, according to a British research report.

Some 550 women from Western countries have left their homelands to join Islamic State, which has captured swathes of Syria and Iraq, said the report by the Institute for Strategic Dialogue and the International Centre for the Study of Radicalisation at King’s College, London.

[…]It said female recruits were increasingly younger, some from comfortable backgrounds and often well-educated, and were playing “crucial” propaganda and recruitment roles.

That article is three years old, the numbers have more than doubled since then. The most common reasons cited for leaving are romance and adventure.

Psychology Today has some comments about why some women do this:

In her post, “Women Who Love Serial Killers,” PT blogger, Katherine Ramsland, offers some suggestions about why some women can be so attracted to, or hopelessly beguiled by, the most terrifying of human predators. At first, she provides explanations from the women themselves, women who actually married these dangerously unhinged criminals. Their reasons (somewhat elaborated here) include the assumptions that:

  • their love can transform the convict: from cunning and cruel, to caring, concerned, and compassionate.

  • there’s a wounded child nested somewhere inside the killer that can be healed through a devoted nurturance that only they can provide.

  • they might share the killer’s media spotlight, and so triumphantly emerge from their anonymity, and maybe in the process even land a book or movie deal (an aspiration about as cynical as it is narcissisticand self-serving).

And this is even more interesting:

To simplify this work’s findings for my present purpose, however, let me begin by emphasizing that Ogas and Gaddam find substantial evidence from Web searches, posts, and many 1,000s of romance novels that women demonstrate a strong erotic preference for dominant men. Or toward what’s now commonly referred to as alpha males—in the authors’ words, men who are “strong, confident, [and] swaggering [as in “cocky,” and the pun is intended].” Unfortunately, what these descriptors often imply is behavior sufficiently bearish, self-centered, and insensitive as to often cross the line into a physical, mental, and emotional abuse that can be downright brutal.

[…]Moreover, in responding to the question as to whether some men, such as “serial killers, violent offenders, and rapists,” might be too dominant for women to accept, Ogas and Gaddam note: “It turns out that killing people is an effective way to elicit the attention of many women: virtually every serial killer, including Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and David Berkowitz, have received love letters from large numbers of female fans” (p. 98).

Women choose good-looking bad boys, because they think that they can change them:

The fantasy that seems to be operating in such devotees, and that constitutes the plot of virtually all erotic/romantic novels written with women in mind, is that the “misogyny and jerkdom” they might have to battle with in such super-dominant males is only temporary. That it doesn’t really represent the man’s innermost reality. That his violence and lack of tender feelings is only the beginning of the story, and that their unsparing love, affection, and dedication can ultimately transform his character by helping him get in touch with his, well, “inner goo.”

I don’t think it’s wrong for women to do STEM degrees, and even go to graduate school, and work a couple of years in the private sector. The problems occur when they want to have relationships during those years, but not with men who want to commit. The experiences they have with the hot bad boys in that time cause them to be disatisfied with marriage-minded men (self-control, frugality, provider ability, chastity, loyalty, mentoring, etc.) later on when they do want to marry. And marriage-minded men KNOW THAT. We aren’t going to be tricked into marriage to someone who finds the shallow characteristics of irresponsible bad boys more attractive than men who have demonstrated ability at the husband and father roles.

27 thoughts on “Why are so many educated, successful women struggling to find a husband?”

  1. Some conservative Christians have noticed the trend that universities so often turn women into radical feminists and atheists who sleep around and want a career and so turn their daughters away from attending college at all. While I don’t think college is necessarily bad in all cases, and it can be good for a woman to get a college education, I can completely understand the desire to protect young women from the typical college life and indoctrination by keeping them at home. In general, such women tend to make good wives because they haven’t been brainwashed by leftist ideology. It’s understandable to try to avoid the pitfalls that are harming so many women.

    I would recommend not to turn one’s nose up at such protected women who desire to be wives and mothers just because they aren’t college-educated. College is not the only place to be educated and those who don’t attend college are not ignorant rubes. One of the main factors driving this problem is the assumption that all intelligent people must go to college and not to go amounts to being ignorant and stupid. That kind of bias needs to stop. It’s not true and it’s not helpful.

    I think it’s possible to go to college without being indoctrinated, IF one is prepared with apologetics, self-control, and a sense of rebellion against the culture rather than a desire to join it. But I would not generally recommend that Christian parents just reflexively send their daughters (or sons) to college without special preparation to help them survive the assault on their worldview that surely will come.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It’s not just turning women into feminists- it orients their life goals towards consumerism and careerism.

      It ruins women. I have met many women who have gone to college, and grad school. Not one would make a good wife. And I’m referring to the self identifying Christian women.

      College trains women to compete with men, which makes them masculine. It’s a huge turn off.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. I love this comment and would add “seminary” to “colleges and universities.” Many seminaries are turning out atheists, feminists, and new agers in fairly large numbers.

      MUCH better to have a wise uneducated woman than a foolish (whore-ish?) educated one, not that wisdom and education MUST be mutually exclusive, but they often are.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. Another case of “ignore what I say and do, let me change the narrative when you men aren’t paying attention”. I’m glad I no longer see things through the 50’s lense that I was raised with.
    (I have to reblog this tomorrow). Good stuff.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. As good as this article is, the only problem I find with it is that the author left out ANYTHING about how hazardous and risky that relationships and marriage have become for the typical Western man due to the legal system that women themselves have made and continue to support.
    In a nutshell: “No-Fault” Divorce, anti-male DV laws, and the proclivity of modern Western women to make false accusations of ‘harassment’, ‘rape’, etc. (as well as the lack of any consequences for making such false accusations) have made interacting with them not even worth the effort.
    And I have yet to hear of ANY ‘non-feminist’ even mentioning that any of the above laws regarding the misandric use of the legal system (“No-Fault” Divorce, VAWA, et.al.) be changed.
    For the risk that they pose, women might as well be considered radioactive.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I think that if women want to communicate to a man that she would be a good helper and supporter, then one great way to do that is to show that she is aware of the things you mentioned, and opposed to them. However, most women don’t have that knowledge, and therefore, they can’t possibly have the right attitude towards a husband. In order to have sympathy with a man, a woman has to be aware of the forces that oppose him fulfilling his male nature to lead, protect and provide.

      For goodness’ sake, consider that 77% of young, unmarried women vote Democrat, which is nothing but having the government tax working men (removing their ability to lead their own households the way they see fit) and then have the government act as a kind of substitute husband for single mothers and divorced women (via welfare, etc.). That’s what men are supposed to marry???? That’s the great friend and helper and supporter we’re supposed to commit to? I think women need to put some more work in before they talk to men about marriage. Maybe even have some demonstrated opposition to things like no-fault divorce and false accusations in their resume.

      Liked by 1 person

          1. Agree 100%. It’s on the mom to choose think about her future children before having sex. Choose the right man for the father job.

            But so often, the “right” man is the one who makes the woman feel “happy”, even though he has no interest or ability in husband and father roles.

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          2. It’s unfortunate we live in the world we do. I have the perspective that it’s not my problem to deal with, that I shouldn’t be personally bothered by it, and that I only need to be concerned with finding the 1 woman who meets biblical standards and isn’t a thot (unicorn hunting at this point).

            I hate the effect it has on society, but I hate how society has influenced the church even more.

            The most we can do is be the best we can be (not in the narcissistic way), study the word, and strive for holiness. And Don’t live your life centered around the actions of women or a woman.

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        1. They have rejected the Patriarchy, including their own dads. I have seen many “strong Christian” dads end up with femi-nazis as daughters.

          Don’t mean to get racial here, but if I am going to be flipped off by somebody when I stand on the sidewalk, 95% of the time it is a nasty young white girl or, a bit less often, a white soy boy. It is almost never a Black person, even though Blacks abort their babies at a much more disproportionate rate. Something deranged has happened to millenial white girls – they have lost their minds.

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  4. I think women often choose ‘bad’ guys because they know they won’t commit and a lot of women don’t want to get married anyway. They can have their fruitless sex and empty intimacy without actually having to commit to someone. Seems fun in their 20s…despairing and alone in their 30s and beyond.

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  5. Eh, I was never interested in the bad boy mentality. I didn’t wish to be involved with such drama. I’m a college grad with a nursing degree from a Christian university and no debt due to scholarship. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 28, and we married at 30-both virgins! He’s a semi-professional athlete and is quite attractive, and takes his walk with the Lord seriously. When I began to date after college, I found there were little to no men ages 22-38 that would have made a good husband, Christian men included. Many were divorced with baggage, didn’t value their own families, and were overweight with no job.

    I am curious, though. Why must men keep their standards high, but women must bend theirs in order to marry? I’ve heard this time and time again. I kept myself in incredible shape with a fitness routine, ate well, had a generous savings account, no debt, a stable job with good pay, and dressed beautifully. Yet, I couldn’t ask the same of men because I was too “needy”: to be fit, to hold down a job with decent income, to have a good relationship with their family, to not pressure me for sexual favors, etc. Why the double standard? I’m glad I kept my standards high and held out for my husband, as he did for me.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hungary didn’t abolish abortion before these huge government incentives. That’s why they have not achieved replacement rate yet, even with these incredibly lucrative tax subsidies.

        Abolish abortion and I am all in. Because that is the most pro-family policy you can have.

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  6. Women value intelligence, assertiveness, education and stable career in a man. So they incorrectly believe that is what men value in a woman. Nothing could be further from the truth. But instead of trying to enhance the attributes in themselves that men value (attractiveness, generosity of spirit, affection, the “domestic arts”, etc) they complain that men should not want what men want.

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    1. I think they only value those things after they have had their fun with the attractive, wild bad boys. It’s only when they start to lose their ability to attract bad boys that they become interested in education, career and finances. Notice I say interested and not attracted to.

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    2. How is a woman expected to maintain all of this, aside from affection, without a stable income to attract a partner? I knew what men valued, but there’s no way I could have provided that at the capacity that is wanted by men if I had lived at home and was mooching off of my parents. My husband surely appreciates it all, and my nursing education has proved invaluable when it comes to caring for aging parents and preparing for a new baby.

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  7. Some men are just checking out of the scene completely.

    I see a lots of ridiculous demands from women, but nothing offered in return. Actually, there are some things offered, like loads of debt, other men’s kids, STDs, legal risk, financial ruin, etc.

    Now, are all women this way? Will all women divorce for no good reason or file false accusations? No, but plenty will, and a guy has no way of telling which ones won’t, and if he guesses wrong he has no practical defense against her if she does.

    I own two homes and a business. I’m not putting that on the line.

    Sorry, “ladies”. This is the state of affairs you wanted. Now guys are deciding the risks outweigh the benefits and are choosing celibacy.

    This man did.

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    1. “I own two homes and a business. I’m not putting that on the line.”

      I am in a similar situation. People don’t understand that this society (including churches) is not producing women who are at war with feminism, and suitable for the roles of wife and mother. I had to work hard and solve difficult challenges to get where I am, and I can’t afford to risk what I have for women who have been ANTI-HUSBAND and ANTI-MARRIAGE for most of their lives, until they hit the wall in their mid-30s.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. If a man wants to marry a true family oriented woman, he will have to leave North America or Europe. Also forget Australia and New Zealand. Plenty of warm true women in Malaysia, South America, Phillipines, etc. Of course this comes at a price. The man will have to leave his home country to live elsewhere. But men have just done that! Sorry, but the average Western woman is just not wife material.

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