Should we only blame boys for the highly-sexualized culture?

Man helping a woman with proper handgun marksmanship
Man helping a woman with proper handgun marksmanship

If you wanted to read just one article that summarizes a lot of my views on radical feminism and the Sexual Revolution, based on my experiences with young women in high school, college and the workplace, this article from The Federalist would be a good choice.

I am going to excerpt a piece of this for my post, but you really need to click through and read the whole thing.


Let’s build on that foundation and ask why porn is driving expectations for young women.

As with the prevalence of porn among boys, the answer to this question has two parts. The victimization half of the answer is that we’ve deliberately avoided giving girls any other kinds of expectations. Think about it for a moment: Why should it be so hard to tell a guy “no,” as girls reported in the survey? Why should she think it’s mean?

Feminists would have you believe that all girls are shrinking violets who never learned how to lean in, but the far better answer is that these girls don’t really know of any good reason to say no. “I don’t want to” is a reason, but it’s the kind of reason one must weigh against others’ desires in any kind of voluntary relationship.

Chastity, which is the view that relationships work better when sex is confined to exclusive, permanent marital commitments, is out of favor in our society, thanks to feminism. In place of chastity, feminism encourages young people to have recreational sex outside of marriage.

What happened next?

If sex is just meaningless fun without any moral or spiritual dimension, and if youth is just a time for sexual adventures without any thought to actually forging a lasting relationship—as we are all taught these days—then surely it would indeed be mean to arbitrarily withhold that meaningless fun from someone she is fond of.

In a sexually amoral context, having sex with him so he’ll watch a movie with her is a decision with no more gravitas than watching “American Ninja Warrior” with him so he’ll watch “The Bachelorette” with her. Without bringing chastity back into the conversation, there’s no meaningful objection. The only expectation is that the boy and girl work out their different wants together, and they have already done so.

In the past, sexual expectations were founded in marriage and family—that sex is part of a permanent and exclusive partnership rooted in a mutual commitment to one another’s well-being and the promise of future children to whom that commitment is extended. Those are the expectations girls were taught, and they generally navigated relationships according to them. They provided a foundation to undergird their refusals.

Unfortunately, feminists found such expectations restrictive and demeaning, and over a generation successfully uprooted them only to replace them with… nothing of substance. It’s only natural that media depictions of sex—porn included—would fill that void and create new expectations.

[…]We cannot meaningfully condemn this situation unless we venture back into the world of sexual morality. After all, if our only concerns are for the desires of those involved, nothing proves the girls’ desire for emotional connection without providing sexual gratification is any better than the boys’ desire for sexual gratification without providing emotional connection.If this is the extent of our concern, then our response should not be the horror we feel in the pit of our collective stomach, but rather pride that these two different groups were able to negotiate terms by which both sides can get something they want. It would be like the end of a children’s program where everyone learned to compromise and work together.

If girls in general want a deal with terms more favorable to them, there’s always collective bargaining with the boys. Nevertheless, it’s difficult to see how the results would substantially differ from traditional sexual morality. After all, most girls would need to withhold sexual access until granted a commitment more meaningful than “I promise not to sleep with anyone else until I want to be done sleeping with you.” Accordingly, the “scabs” (to borrow union terminology) who give away access for less would have to be treated with less respect than those who maintain the bargaining position.

Meanwhile, the other side’s interests would need to be taken into account or they would have no incentive to come to the table. The popular boys are already getting what they want, and the rest are already going their own way. Providing sex couldn’t be held off for decades while education and career take a front seat.

Plus the long-term commitments boys offer as they become men could not be so one-sided that the woman could unilaterally dissolve these at any time and simultaneously claim a man’s home, children, and future income. In other words, any mutually beneficial bargain would have to restore chastity, slut-shaming, and early marriage while ending no-fault divorce. What collective bargaining will never achieve is the feminist pipe dream that boys be dutifully subject to feminine whim. They have no incentive for that.

And this part further down is really good too:

Is it really safe to assume these girls have hooked up with a completely random and evenly distributed sample of boys their age?

It would be more accurate to say that the boys who are popular with the girls are generally like this. After all, it seems rates of teen girls’ sexual activity are actually somewhat higher than those of their male peers—a gap particularly pronounced among whites. The disparity is probably even greater since other studies have shown that men are prone to exaggerating their sexual activity while women are prone to minimizing it.

All of this suggests that a larger pool of girls is competing for the attentions of a smaller pool of boys. Many anecdotal accounts reinforce this, suggesting a version of the 80/20 rule is at work in hookup culture (i.e., that 80 percent of the girls are sleeping with 20 percent of the guys). That particular proportion is almost certainly an exaggeration, but the disparity is there.

Most likely, the sexually inactive majority of boys aren’t receiving sex acts in exchange for their attention, just as the sexually inactive girls aren’t providing any. Plenty of boys are left out in the cold who would happily adopt a measure of chastity and provide emotional intimacy if it meant access to romantic relationships. The girls are simply choosing not to enter relationships with those boys. So why are the girls going for the boys who make the demands they reportedly despise?

I just don’t see how you can do better than that. This is a very conservative view, because it respects traditional morality, but it is not one that is championed by most “conservatives”, who want to just blame men for refusing to put out after feminism has re-made the culture.

In the old days, many men expected women to give them something physically if they spent money on dinner and movie. In the present day, fake man-blaming “conservatives” expect men to put out marriage for women who have done nothing at all to prepare themselves for it. In a world where chastity has been replaced by radical feminist hook-ups, and marriage has been replaced by no-fault divorce, there is no incentive for men to engage. Trying to get them to engage by attacking their manhood is just plain stupid, but unfortunately, most “man up” pastors and “conservatives” ARE just plain stupid.

24 thoughts on “Should we only blame boys for the highly-sexualized culture?”

  1. ” So why are the girls going for the boys who make the demands they reportedly despise?”

    the answer to that is the bad boy, alpha male thing that these males give off. Why do you think Christian Grey and romance novels are popular amongst women? depsite the factor christian grey us basically creepy in every sense of the word, his show of dominance and how he takes control of the situation is very attractive. Same for characters like the avengers- when it comes to Captain America, Thor, The Winter Soldier and the Black Panther they that alpha male quality while Iron Man, Dr. Banner, Hawkeye, Falcon have going for them is more humor and intellect which nothing is wrong with that but for a majority of women the first group would be the ones most likely to get laid.

    1. What is very strange to me is this: how can a teenager or a college student “take control of a situation”? They don’t have jobs or savings. That means they can’t buy a woman a house or provide for a newborn. Not only that, but if they are sleeping around already, then why think they can be faithful anyway? This whole thing makes no sense to me.

      I think women should want men who do keep self-control, who do have jobs, who do have savings, who don’t drink, who don’t get violent unnecessarily.

      1. a woman does want that but a man needs that plus the alpha attitude. When woman talk about how they want a nice guy, who’s sweet and a gentleman – what they really mean is Dr. Banner in the streets but a Hulk in private.

        I like a man with intelligence and has a good job and everything else but of you are lacking confidence and are just too beta that is gonna turn me off.

        read this blog, it might give you a better understanding of what i’m trying to say

        1. Yes, I get that, but does it work. I mean, if women are all chasing men with alpha attitudes, and it is not working for them, then maybe it’s time to exercise some restraint over the hormones, and start matching male candidates to the actual duties that men perform in a marriage?

          Women need to do what works! And choosing alpha males based on confidence, not chastity and not resume and not savings, is not working. It’s probably a better plan to pick a man with current capabilities and just love him into confidence. I’ve seen that done, but it takes real effort.

          1. Perhaps, but what I am saying is that problem is easier to fix than the problem of going back in time and fixing his education, work history and savings.

            A woman can change a man’s confidence overnight by doing his laundry, cooking his meals for the week, and giving him a framed picture of her face to put on his office desk. Changing his high school grades, his college major, his past 10 years of work experience, and his investment portfolio is beyond the reach of a woman’s ability.

            That’s why women need to swallow their feelings and pick a man who does male roles: protect, provide, lead. His lack of confidence is the only thing that she can change about him, and that actually matters the least to his abilty to do what she needs him to do as husband and father.

          2. Women need to do what works! And choosing alpha males based on confidence, not chastity and not resume and not savings, is not working.

            It gets them the excitement and tingles that they want in the short term. In the longer term there are many ways to get resources like savings, and many of them don’t involve committing to a man – you are aware that there are more women in college than men now, right?

          3. That’s why women need to swallow their feelings and pick a man who does male roles: protect, provide, lead.

            Says who? Good luck convincing any woman under 40 she needs to let a man lead her.

            Your “ought” is getting the way of you seeing clearly what “is”.

          4. No, I see the is exactly. I express the ought with no hope of anyone heeding it, until the money for social welfare programs runs out, that is.

      2. What you think women should want is not relevant to what they do want. That should be obvious by observation on any college campus, in any mall, etc.

        “Should be” and “is” are not synonyms. Do not make the mistake of assuming that women are men who have a womb.

  2. The flipside of this is that girls who don’t give off the ‘hot girl signalling’ of sexual availability don’t get attention from any men at all, as even the unpopular guys don’t want chastity once in a relationship – their expectations have changed. Men who truly believe in traditional sexual morality are very rare nowadays.

  3. The 80/20 rule is already at work in the universities. As the pool of men gets smaller the competition will get fiercer, and the women who are willing to compete will do so in even more outrageous ways. De facto polygamy? Very likely.

    Now, the facts are as they are, sir, what do you personally plan to do about it in your life?

    1. I’m a virgin with an extraordinarily high net worth. I plan not to marry, and to reduce my taxable income so that those who seek to marry the government will find it increasingly difficult to do so.

      1. Your course of action is quite logical under the current situation.


        Because you are exactly the sort of man who should be fathering and rasing children to adulthood in concert with a suitable, loyal, wife.

  4. Saw the 80 / 20 rule when I was in college back in the early 1990’s. And def when I was a corporate drone for IBM Corp for twelve years. All the women I worked with liked the same two / three men in the department, and it didn’t matter if they were “married” or “engaged” or had a steady “girlfriend”

    All the women were “gonna make him like / want me”

    And they used the same excuses with me “But Jason, he’s soooooooo confident, and we girls can’t help who we fall in love with!”

    Most women have no clue between confidence and arrogance. Many think arrogance IS confidence. My Christian sisters are no better, probably worse in many cases…..

    Conservative “bold n’ biblical” churches seem to be the most clueless on this issue

    1. I agree. But I have never heard any pastor or parent warn their daughters about this.

      Instead, young women learn from culture that feelings cannot be wrong, and there is no effort to warn women to connect the roles of a husband over the long haul of life to skills that men actually have right now. No wonder so many single and divorced women have babies with men they are not married to, and then vote for bigger and bigger government as a substitute husband. They reject the real husbands, and then marry the government – after having fun with the confident bad boys first, of course. Can we as a society survive the refusal to set boundaries on this self-centered behavior? I don’t think we can. And surely the bulk of the blame needs to be put on the he-man pastors who are the most wussified men of all. You could listen to 30 years of sermons and never hear any spiritual leadership on the most important issues of the day.

      A very good study on how divorce causes women to vote for bigger government:

  5. The “God is okay with me the way I am” doctrine is partly responsible for this. The problem lies in the fact that “yes” that is a true statement. God wants you, just as you are….

    God also calls for repentance, turning away from a past, and living life anew in His favor. Not the favor of “Jesus knows my heart”

    Dare you try to counsel and say anything today to women or men…..out comes “You’re being judgmental / legalistic / a pharisee”

    I see and understand why many of the righteous in church are praying more at home, doing ministry on their own, and praying in a very deep and heartfelt way…..away from many in the church today.

    I wish I had the solution, or the answer WK. This pass the buck on men, and “man up” churchian-christian nonsense has to stop.

  6. Well, what’s missing in this piece is the fact that, as Menelaos Apostolou‘s work has painstakingly shown, for approximately 400 generations sexual choice was decided by parents, often in arranged marriages, so traits like attractiveness is a completely new and novel method of mate selection. Really, what parent can honestly say their 17 yr old is mature and independent enough to resist social conditioning, peer pressure, hormones, and wisely choose a lover ?! Hence so much emotional and social destruction.

    1. Excellent comment, and yes to getting parents involved. Problem is most parents don’t even have the wisdom and courage to lead their kids, they just stand back and let the train wrecks happen.

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