This woman’s husband left her for his business partner and took her kids

A striking story from the Public Discourse.


In the fall of 2007, my husband of almost ten years told me that he was gay and that he wanted a divorce. In an instant, the world that I had known and loved—the life we had built together—was shattered.

I tried to convince him to stay, to stick it out and fight to save our marriage. But my voice, my desires, my needs—and those of our two young children—no longer mattered to him. We had become disposable, because he had embraced one tiny word that had become his entire identity. Being gay trumped commitment, vows, responsibility, faith, fatherhood, marriage, friendships, and community. All of this was thrown away for the sake of his new identity.

Try as I might to save our marriage, there was no stopping my husband. Our divorce was not settled in mediation or with lawyers. No, it went all the way to trial. My husband wanted primary custody of our children. His entire case can be summed up in one sentence: “I am gay, and I deserve my rights.” It worked: the judge gave him practically everything he wanted. At one point, he even told my husband, “If you had asked for more, I would have given it to you.”

I truly believe that judge was legislating from the bench, disregarding the facts of our particular case and simply using us—using our children— to help influence future cases. In our society, LGBT citizens are seen as marginalized victims who must be protected at all costs, even if it means stripping rights from others. By ignoring the injustice committed against me and my children, the judge seemed to think that he was correcting a larger injustice.

[…]At the time of the first ceremony, the marriage was not recognized by our state, our nation, or our church. And my ex-husband’s new marriage, like the majority of male-male relationships, is an “open,” non-exclusive relationship. This sends a clear message to our children: what you feel trumps all laws, promises, and higher authorities. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want—and it doesn’t matter who you hurt along the way.

[…]Our two young children were willfully and intentionally thrust into a world of strife and combative beliefs, lifestyles, and values, all in the name of “gay rights.” Their father moved into his new partner’s condo, which is in a complex inhabited by sixteen gay men. One of the men has a 19-year-old male prostitute who comes to service him. Another man, who functions as the father figure of this community, is in his late sixties and has a boyfriend in his twenties. My children are brought to gay parties where they are the only children and where only alcoholic beverages are served. They are taken to transgender baseball games, gay rights fundraisers, and LGBT film festivals.

Both of my children face identity issues, just like other children. Yet there are certain deep and unique problems that they will face as a direct result of my former husband’s actions. My son is now a maturing teen, and he is very interested in girls. But how will he learn how to deal with that interest when he is surrounded by men who seek sexual gratification from other men? How will he learn to treat girls with care and respect when his father has rejected them and devalues them? How will he embrace his developing masculinity without seeing his father live out authentic manhood by treating his wife and family with love, honoring his marriage vows even when it’s hard?

My daughter suffers too. She needs a dad who will encourage her to embrace her femininity and beauty, but these qualities are parodied and distorted in her father’s world. Her dad wears make-up and sex bondage straps for Halloween. She is often exposed to men dressing as women. The walls in his condo are adorned with large framed pictures of women in provocative positions. What is my little girl to believe about her own femininity and beauty? Her father should be protecting her sexuality. Instead, he is warping it.

Without the guidance of both their mother and their father, how can my children navigate their developing identities and sexuality? I ache to see my children struggle, desperately trying to make sense of their world.

When I was younger and considering marriage, I thought a lot about no-fault divorce and how I would feel about my wife leaving me because she wanted to find herself in Europe, or something. I thought about the feminist judge who would give her custody of our children, and force me to pay alimony and child support. Marriage did not seem like a good risk to me then. I guess part of me always thought that feminists would be the only bad guys in this sexual revolution, and men and children were the victims of feminist selfishness. But this woman’s story really makes me realize how women can be just as much the victims of judicial activism as any man was under no-fault divorce laws. That story she told about the activist judge just made my blood run cold. What must that have been like for her, to lose custody of her kids and have them put into the “gay lifestyle” Grindr-style environment? My heart goes out to her.

Previously, I blogged about Dawn Stefanowicz‘s story of growing up with a gay father.

8 thoughts on “This woman’s husband left her for his business partner and took her kids”

  1. How did she not know her husband was gay while they were married for 10 years? This is why if people are gay let them be gay. I would rather people who are gay be who they are than marry one only for him to divorce me later in life


    1. I suspect her husband wasn’t always gay and that he developed a taste for gay sex through porn use. People aren’t born gay. Sometimes they develop that way through things that happen to them, like abuse or distant parents or influence from misguided people, and sometimes they develop the attraction by indulging in more and more deviant sexual behaviors over time.


      1. In terms of porn that means he would have watched gay porn and what do you mean by deviant sexual behaviors? Like bdsm and if so bdsm is bondage,dominant,sadism and masochism which is more about control over an individual not really a sexual orientation deal.


  2. My heart feels for this lady. She got screwed over by her ex and then screwed over by the courts. Her ex has used the kids as pawns for his treasure and pleasure. Her ex is a horrible Dad.


  3. “But this woman’s story really makes me realize how women can be just as much the victims of judicial activism as any man was under no-fault divorce laws.”

    Thanks for recognizing that and for empathizing. There are many women like her and also grown children of gay parents who have been standing up and speaking out about their experiences

    The problem is even bigger however, along with no fault divorce and SSM, also comes judicial activism against happily married couples, who have no desire to get divorced at all. SSM has just severed those natural biological ties we all have to our own children. There are absent mothers and fathers in all gay families, parents who’s rights have been severed, in the quest to provide gay couples with children. When a government is granted the right to decide who a parent is outside of natural law, they are also granted the right to decide who a parent isn’t. Until just recently, our biological ties to our own children were so sacred, to adopt a child took several legal hurdles and due process. As one woman so rightly stated, we’ve just gone from the “rights of the child, to the right to a child.” It’s a huge shift in our thinking and our legal protections and it doesn’t bode well for any of us.


  4. The Premier of Ontario, back in the day, had a husband, and kids; she left him for a woman, deciding she was a lesbian.

    Now she is premier, and a grandma, and she has no guilt over her decision.

    That’s what these people are like…


      1. Indeed, picking a guy who turned out to be a pedophile, as her education minister, coming up with that curriculum forcing sex ed on young children.

        Wickedness, cubed!


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