Last week, I tweeted something that was very popular, although I got some disagreements with it. I tweeted that if we encouraged women to not have sex with men before the men married them, then there would be almost no fatherless children.
Here’s the exact tweet:
Fatherlessness is caused by women’s poor choices about men, sex, and marriage. If women married good men before having sex, there would be almost no fatherlessness. Strange that some “Christians” have sex before marriage, when that is prohibited in the Bible.
Now, the reason I focused on women in this tweet is because many women expect premarital sex to lead to a relationship, and eventually marriage. It is good for them to want a relationship and marriage. But the bad boys that many women tend to prefer aren’t choosing premarital sex in order to get to marriage or children. They have no desire for anything beyond the premarital sex. It seems reasonable to me that if I help women to see their mistaken view, then it would prevent a lot of fatherlessness (not to mention abortion and divorce) later on. If women prefer men who commit first instead of those who want commitment-free sex then we will see less sex outside marriage, less fatherlessness, and less abortion.
I decided to expand on my tweet in this post.
We need to teach young women that premarital sex does not cause men to become faithful husbands
Even women who have recreational sex with a lot of different men have this expectation that it will lead to relationships and eventually a committment, in which the man makes all their dreams come true and does whatever they want to make them feel happy at all times. This isn’t marriage, of course, but it is what they imagine that giving a hot bad boy premarital sex will lead to.
Here is what one 26-year-old writes: (language warning)
Age 19-22 Some boyfriends are somewhere in here. But it was where my body count really took off. If a guy liked me, which I now understand, was simple attraction, I thought sex would seal the deal, and they would get to know me more after, and fall in love with me. Let’s all pause to laugh together at my naivete. I promise you every (almost) guy, I thought I could have a relationship with. It never happened. At best they were regulars. Long-term I had 2 serious boyfriends.
A lot of women choose hot bad boys because the hot bad boys give them feelings “in the moment”, and impress their friends. They think that marriage is supposed to make them happy all the time, and so they want the bad boy to commit. This is why so many young women give the bad boys sex, to make the happy feelings last. And many think that they are on a path to marriage with the hot bad boy if they can keep him around by giving him premarital sex, or cohabitation.
But is this what marriage is about – making the woman feel happy in the long-term? Of course not. Marriage is about self-sacrificial love, self-denial, self-control, faithfulness, and raising children. So, women should be taught to choose men who prepare for actual marriage (men who have chosen chastity, gap-less resume, frugality, mentoring, no drugs or alcohol, apologetics). These traits are directly related to the responsibilities of a husband and father in a marriage (fidelity, love, fatherhood, provider, pastoring, etc). Fathers and pastors should be aware of the research about what traits and skills lead to stable and successful marriages, and be able to support their claims with studies when teaching women. For example, they should know about the studies showing how women’s number of premarital sex partners affects her contentedness in her marriage, the marriage quality, and the marriage stability.
That’s the point I was trying to make in my tweet.
Marriage requires self-sacrificial moral behavior
Fathers and pastors need to teach young people how to check a mate for the ability to behave morally, which is a necessary pre-requisite for a marriage commitment. The bare minimum foundation for moral behavior is a theistic worldview. A Designer of the universe. Objective moral laws. An immaterial soul that allows free choices. Accountability when you die. And meaningfulness of moral choices because of that ongoing relationship with the Designer in the afterlife. Moral behavior depends on the existence of God, so the mate-chooser should know evidence for that too, and be able to evaluate the mate on his knowledge of that evidence. People shouldn’t take the claim to be religious or spiritual at face value, they should want to see the reasons and evidence that support the claim. The rational grounding of moral behavior is important for marriage, and it needs to be checked, instead of just felt with intuitions. Young people should be taught to prefer mates who have demonstrated the ability to act morally in situations where it goes against their self-interest to be moral. After all, once the mate-chooser chooses a mate, every immoral thing he/she suffers from their chosen mate was a result of his/her choice of mate.
The goal is to prevent harm to children
Some Christian women disagree with my goal of stopping fatherlessness and abortion by telling women to make better choices. Instead, they want to support women who use premarital sex to try to land a hot bad boy. They say that if the woman’s sex-first plan doesn’t work out, that’s not her fault, because all hot bad boys should feel obligated to marry after being given premarital sex. One woman wrote me 2500 words in response to my tweet to tell me (repeatedly, and in great detail) that the Bible is seen as an authority even by hot non-Christian bad boys. If this is the kind of advice that young women are getting from older women, then it’s no wonder we have a 42% out-of-wedlock birth rate, and 1 million unborn children being killed every year.
But I don’t think that encouraging women to make feelings-based choices will work to reduce fatherlessness. When you’re dealing with hot bad boys, they don’t care about the Bible, and so you can’t try to convince them to do anything that the Bible says. The only solution is for good women to pass them by, and instead choose good men who want to make a commitment first. If women leave the hot bad boys alone, and concentrate on marriage-minded men, then we won’t have so much fatherlessness or abortion.
3 thoughts on “What should Christians do in order to reduce fatherlessness and abortion?”
Our society used to know that premarital sex doesn’t make men commit to marriage. In fact, it does the opposite. Women knew that sluts who had sex before marriage weren’t marriage material. Men didn’t marry easy women. So they tried hard not to be easy so they would be able to marry. Our society now preaches the opposite, that sex first will make the man fall in love with them and marry them, but the facts of how men work haven’t changed. Men don’t trust a woman who sleeps around, even if it’s with them. Men want to know their kids are actually their kids, so they need to be able to trust their wife to be faithful. That starts with not sleeping with every guy who comes along before marriage.
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There was a reason why fathers used to check their daughters boyfriends…
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Great article and great advice. Praying it does fall on deaf ears.
You should see the pushback I get when I point out the fact that the woman has the final say on the execution of the child in abortion! I get all sorts of nonsense, including from “pro-lifers” (whatever that means), about men coercing women into abortions. Absolutely, men pressure women to get abortions and so do the murder mills. But the woman has the final say. She’s the one who freely signs the Kill Order, she’s the one who freely walks back to the “procedure” room, and she’s the one who freely spreads her legs (again) for Doktor Death. You would think that American churchians had never even thought through all of the steps that must be taken to get an abortion. (Forced abortions are exceedingly rare in America, almost unheard of, but some women have been murdered for not aborting. Heroines, is what we call them.)
So you are most correct, WK, that the free will decision by a woman to have the final decision to have premarital sex (not considering rape here) is highly related to her free will decision to have the final decision to procure the abortion later. That doesn’t make men blameless in any sense of the word. But it does shows that women are not “victims” of their free will decision making and certainly not “victims” of abortion.
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