Young woman regrets that older people in her life were dishonest with her

Have older women done a good job of teaching younger women about love and marriage?
Have older women succeeded at teaching younger women about love and marriage?

I once dated a woman who had messed up her education, career and finances by following her heart. She confided in me that she had a hatred of “responsibilities, expectations and obligations”. She wanted to be guided by her feelings, moment by moment. Whenever she failed, she would blame others, or claim that the world was just too unpredictable to make good decisions.

She failed, and was unhappy, wishing that grown ups in her life had told her the truth about her bad decisions. And she’s not alone.

Look at this article posted on the UC Berkeley website:

A recent group of studies has found that women’s happiness levels have been dropping steadily over the last few decades, to the point that women now report lower happiness levels than men, a role reversal from the 1970s. Given social improvements in women’s lives over the intervening decades—increased work opportunities, higher salaries, and more reproductive choice, to name a few—these results have surprised more than a few commentators, with everyone from Barbara Ehrenreich to Rush Limbaugh trying to make sense of them.

That hasn’t been an easy task, even for the economists whose study, “The Paradox of Declining Women’s Happiness,” helped uncover this trend. Those economists, Justin Wolfers and Betsey Stevenson, both at the University of Pennsylvania, analyzed data from several large-scale surveys that have tracked the general well-being of Americans and Europeans from as far back as 1972. They found that women’s happiness levels had dropped over time in each survey. To understand why, Wolfers and Stevenson looked at factors which in past research had been linked to unhappiness in women, such as marital status, income, educational level, and number of children. But none of these could account for the shift.

In addition to “increased work opportunities, higher salaries, and more reproductive choice”, women have also “benefited” from preferences in education, in education funding, in the workplace, and especially in the courts. They get favorable treatment in the criminal courts as well as in the divorce courts. They have been given everything they asked for that they felt would make them happier, and all of it (once obtained) has worked to make them less happy. The biggest part of their unhappiness problem is how their learned selfishness makes them incapable of – and undeserving of – commitment. The declining marriage rate is made worse by disincentives created for men to marry and have children when they are given sex for free, are heavily taxed, regulated by government bullies, and risk being financially raped by divorce.

Far-left and far-right defenders of marriage agree that it’s a “mystery” why women are so unhappy. After all, they say, third wave feminism has brought women nothing but fairness. We have to take it as a given, and solve the problem of women’s declining happiness some other way. Radical feminism can’t be rolled back.

Well, my bossy women advisors are always telling me that I should be positive and tell women how to do better. So I will.

In my own life, I had to escape the effects of growing up in a bad family, in a bad city, in a bad country. Everything I was told was a lie, and would have destroyed me if I had listened to it. In fact, it did destroy my brother. He did listen to it. He listened to our parents. He listened to the worthless public school teachers. He listened to the popular songs. He watched the popular movies. And most of all, he did what his friends told him to do. Don’t you be like him. What you need to do is resist the culture, and focus on doing things in ways that work. You need to make sure that your day-to-day decision-making gets you where you want to be.

The first and most important priority is to get an objective moral standard that can be used to judge the lies that are being told to you. That standard is in the Bible, and it has the great advantage of having been given to you by the same person who designed the universe, and you. Not only can you use it to judge the liars, keeping them and their lies at a distance, but it helps you to stop making mistakes yourself. The most important lesson I learned from the moral law was to embrace chastity, and not to waste my time and money pursuing casual sex relationships with godless women for “fun” or “self-esteem”. Having to play the fool for godless women in order to get sex is degrading for men, and destroys the natural leadership role that men have in moral and spiritual matters. It’s much better to leave bad women alone, and pay attention only to the ones who are interested in being led to achieve things that really matter. I think that raising influential effective Christian children, apologetics on campus, in-house apologetics discussion, and political engagement are really important.

Secondly, the classics. Instead of consuming books, music and visual entertainment made by secular leftists, turn instead to the classics and non-fiction. The best things to consume are evidential apologetics, economics, military history and the classics. Evidential apologetics teaches you to become focused on truth. Free market economics teaches you how the world works. Military history teaches you gratitude and humility. You can undo the nonsense that you learned about men, women and relationships simply by learning the lessons about human nature found in the classics – Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Elizabeth Gaskell, etc.

The Bible says this in Phillipians 4:8:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

If all your friends on social media are miserable failures in their relationships, lacking chastity, sobriety, charity and unselfishness, then cut them off so that they don’t drag you down with them.

The most common case I see is Christian-raised women abandoning their faith in high school or college because they would rather be liked by non-Christians than defend their faith and accept the unpopularity and exclusion that results. They shack up with atheist men, and give away their best years to them. They have no moral standard that would allow them to reject those men, when those men feel so good to them. And their “friends” support them in that. Don’t keep “friends” who only want to drag you down into the pit with them. Accept that it is normal to make judgments. Accept that it is normal to have enemies. Learn how to disagree with non-Christians in a way that is supported by reason and evidence. Don’t let godless people tell you what you should want. Don’t try to fit in with them.

12 thoughts on “Young woman regrets that older people in her life were dishonest with her”

    1. The trouble is that she is in her mid-thirties now and can’t go back in time. The only kind of men who are interested in commitment and marriage as an enterprise are Christian men, and they typically want children.

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  1. Great post WK, I agree with your encouragement of at home apologetic discussions and all else you mentioned, our oldest has definitely found it valuable.

    And we have you to thank for writing suggestions on what to teach kids…. That book you suggested on investigating Christianity written by a former detective was great! My husband loved going through that with our son. Thank you again.

    I agree also that learning about military history is beneficial to our kids… we are using The Story history volumes, and then also delving into lots of documentaries on each subject and I try to point out the military tactics that were successful and why. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. J. Warner Wallace! He’s so great. I was just telling my best female friend that the advantage that a book like that gives you is that instead of trying to change yourself to fit in with non-Christians, you just say to them “look, if you are wrong about the origin of the universe and fine-tuning, why should I listen to you about drinking and sex?”

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    2. I really like that you as a mom are emphasizing the things that boys like, instead of making them into little girls. No one thinks war is good, but some problems have to be solved that way.

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  2. Amusingly even secular, mostly-Harvard and Tufts and one MIT created socializing and dating site, okCupid — observed of various personality types and dating:
    Women think they have more to offer when they are older and that’s a little bit true: sure, if the woman gains wisdom, sound judgment, rids herself of college debt, those are good “assets” to bring into a relationship. However, her value gains very little (if at all) over time after various points. There’s a flip side to every coin — “life lessons” can also be “baggage” (and men generally prefer nice-looking women with little to no baggage).
    Sadly, there are many Christian women who take their cues from popular culture, and there are many things that are just not conducive to spirituality or to kingdom-building.
    Men, on the other hand, even okCupid observed — well, just look at one William Gates. He’s rather a dorky guy throughout high school, starting college, even in his 20’s. Sure, he’s brilliant — taking Math 55 (a.k.a., Analysis and Many Topics For Masochists at Harvard). He didn’t focus on what women cared about him — instead, in building Microsoft and being successful career-wise, he became a sophisticated and apparently highly desirable guy.
    I’d give a lot of those life lessons as well, even to Christians: develop your career, build up your transferable skills, minister in formal and informal settings, develop discernment, become wise, learn lots. Don’t FOCUS on dating even if you want to date — it’s a bit elusive.
    I believe I read that the top ~10% of people in terms of attractiveness have it easier than others and end up in a pattern of dating of getting into relationships quickly. Because of this, many people are suckered into thinking dating should happen fast, that we should feel instant attraction and that the person is The One after 1 or 2 dates. This is not the case for most people — the other 80-90%, you’ll develop attraction over time, by being friends, being discerning.
    Men should be discerning and know what is important and know what they want and why — and know how often this occurs. (Not just “I want a hot chick.” Although jokingly, a couple months after our tenth anniversary, my wife asked why I liked her and I said, “Because you are a hot chick. And because you are smart.”)
    For instance, for me, I have a lot of similarities to what you want, WK:
    She must be a strong, devout Christian, who made a conscious decision to follow the Lord or confirmed the faith of her family,
    Preferably a virgin or if she made a mistake once and repented, fine;
    She should be a STEM graduate,
    She should want to get married to have kids,
    (I had ideas of what age ranged was preferable: I was 36 when I met my wife so I was thinking somewhere around 30 — she happened to be 28.)
    The older you are, even for men, the more set you are in your ways, and sometimes the more painful it is to adjust.
    She should serve the Lord, even outside of work.
    She should be highly intelligent.
    We should be better together than apart and align to build God’s kingdom.
    And I was pretty sure this was my needle in a haystack — such a person is not common. (I dated a little during my time in seminary and knew that.)
    For a man, you do need to know how to pursue, how to state you are interested in a Christian lady at the verbal and non-verbal level, and realize it’s not a bad thing to go out on say, 10 dates (if you go out once a week) before deciding to be exclusive.
    And furthermore, the company that you keep is important. I remember a good female friend of mine introducing her to her new boyfriend (let’s call the boyfriend Rick).
    Rick and I were shooting the breeze about life in the church — and Rick mentioned he was part of a Bible study, but he was incensed that some people were not taking the Scriptures seriously. One man came in and claimed that the Holy Spirit was leading him to divorce his wife. The rest of the members were like, “Yeah dude, whatever makes you happy.” Rick glared at everyone. “I’m not the leader here, but let’s dig in a bit. Was there adultery? Was there abuse?” No and no.
    Rick stood up. “Guys, I cannot believe the sheer biblical ignorance. We’re a BIBLE STUDY. We are here to take the Word of God seriously. We are here to apply it to our lives.” He went on the preach at some length to the rest of the members’ shame — about biblical divorce and marriage.
    Ignorant and biblical illterate people will take you away from following God.
    Righteous and wise people will help you hold fast to God.
    I gave a double thumb of approval to my friend (who is still married to Rick — celebrated their 15th anniversary this year).

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  3. I do think it is interesting that your female advisors put pressure on you to “be positive and tell women how to do better.” I think it is indicative of a cultural trend where men are held to a double standard they can never meet.
    If men try to stop these women from making harmful, unbiblical decisions, then they’re labeled abusive or part of the patriarchy. If you point out the cause of their suffering, then they attempt to shame you for not being positive or giving them a way to undo the consequences of their decisions.
    What these women need to do is dust off their time machine, go back in time 15 years, and make better decisions.

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  4. Women achieve what our feminist culture says they wanted, and surprise! They aren’t happy. The obvious reason is that what they believed was the shangri-la, wasn’t. We are good at fooling ourselves. What most of us want is fulfilling, committed relationship, husbands and children.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well, when you pick up a bunch of STD’s and murder your own children through abortion, you are not likely to be happy – or to be sought after by real men.

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  6. As the saying goes, “if I can’t have her in her prime, I don’t want her in her decline” !!!!
    Today’s women’s reality is that which is learned on social media!
    Not what is happening in real life. As per Donovan Sharpe!
    I find that to be too true!!!!

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