Should Christian men consider single mothers for marriage?

Why Christians object to warning men about high-risk relationships?
Why do Christians object to warning men about high-risk relationships?

A while back, I explained my three concerns about attending church. One of them was that male pastors and church leaders have adopted the priorities of radical feminism, and have turned against men who want a traditional marriage in which the man leads and the wife supports. Well, I found something that really illustrates what I mean by that, so that everyone will understand it.

Above, you can see a tweet by Michael Foster, a pastor who hosts a podcast called “It’s Good to be a Man”. His web site states that his goal is: “Extending God’s house & father-rule by helping men to establish their own houses in strength, workmanship & wisdom.”

He explains in subsequent tweets that he is just urging men to ask questions to find out how the woman became a single mother.

Reactions to the tweet

Here are some reactions to the tweet:

The negative reactions are all anti-intellectual and childish, especially trying to refute statistics with “you hurt my feelings” or telling a single personal story as a counterexample.

Here’s a disclaimer. In this post, I am talking about single mothers by choice, and single mothers who initiated divorce. Widows are excluded.

The risks posed by single mother

Now, let’s improve Foster’s warning, by looking at some evidence – is a marriage to a single mother really more likely to result in a bad outcome?

First of all, women initiate 70% of divorces. If you meet a woman who divorced her husband, she either had a defect in her ability to evaluate and choose a man, or she had a defect in her ability to maintain a commitment to the man she chose. Either way, a woman who divorced her previous husband has red flags. There are two possibilities. She either chose a good man or she chose a bad man. If she chose a bad man, then it shows that she didn’t choose a man with good moral character and spiritual leadership. That means that those things were low priorities for her when deciding who to get naked with. Alternatively, she married a good man, and failed to maintain the commitment. Then she has different problems: problems with male leadership, problems with responsibilities, problems with commitment, problems with contentment, etc. You need to ask questions to get to the bottom of what happened, and more importantly, what she has studied and done to change her worldview. Don’t take her words for it, look at her actions.

Second, the number of premarital sex partners a woman has makes her a higher risk of divorce. The more sex partners, the more risk. The problem with women who engage in sex with men who don’t commit to them is that they necessarily don’t see a man’s willingness and ability to commit as valuable when choosing a man. Women who have premarital sex with men who don’t commit see OTHER THINGS as more valuable. They are rewarding the man for his height, his muscles, his tattoos, his piercings, his entertainment of her, etc. A good man should be very wary when a woman who gave her best youth, beauty and sexual interest to men like that now want to “settle” for a boring, unattractive provider who they see as having lower value than the men they gave sex to without requiring a commitment. What they really wanted was bad boys, and they threw sex at those bad boys without asking for commitment. With the man they perceive as low-level, they are insisting on commitment first, because they don’t want this low-level man as badly as they wanted the bad boy. They are settling for less than they feel they deserve. This is where sex-withholding, feelings of unhappiness, and frivolous divorces come from. And by the way, hollering Jesus doesn’t fix that risk any more than hollering Jesus fixes student loans accumulated for a useless non-STEM degree. Jesus-hollering isn’t evidence that a woman has persuaded herself to change her view of which men are the most attractive. A woman’s lack of respect for men who prepare for commitment and who keep their commitments is dangerous for marital stability. The hysterical reactions to a man’s judging a woman for her past mistakes don’t cancel the damage and risks caused by those mistakes. They simply tell the man that this woman is unrepentant, and therefore unteachable, and likely unsuitable for goal-oriented marriage. She is not qualified for the job of wife: self-sacrificial love for her husband, respect for her husband, and supporting her husband in what he is trying to achieve for God.

Here’s what the Bible says about sex outside of heterosexual marriage and about frivolous divorce. Read the critical replies to Foster’s tweet. The critical responses show the default position of church-attending Christian women and pastors to the Bible in this culture. First, the critics don’t accept the Bible as an authority over women’s choices in any area of life. Second, the critics don’t believe that women should bear any responsibility for their past actions. Nobody believes that women choosing bad men is the woman’s fault in this society. So you should assume that single mothers don’t take responsibility for their own failures. And that means that she will have taken no steps to repent of her mistake, and change her character so that she doesn’t make the same mistake again. It’s up to you to look at what she has been reading, listening to, watching, etc. and to check her actions in order to find out what she really thinks about what the Bible says. You can’t marry a woman who responds to any mention of the moral law and moral obligations with denial of responsibility and insults. If she hasn’t become an active crusader against women who choose bad men, and women who choose premarital sex, and women who choose divorce, then you can’t really believe that there’s been any real repentance. The risks to you are too high to take a chance on someone who is not certain. I’ve only ever met one single mother (Kerri) who blamed her own divorce on her own bad decisions.

The culture opposes male leadership

Foster’s warning is intended to help men to make better decisions, so that their relationships will produce results for God. But his critics aren’t interested in what men are trying to achieve for God. They are only concerned that women get what they want, regardles of their past actions. In their opinion, men exists solely to serve the needs of women. Women don’t have to be good enough for marriage, men just have to give them what they want regardless of the woman’s suitability for wife and mother roles. The role of men in any relationship is not to lead and achieve goals for God. Their role is to let women rule over them, disposing of their earnings as they see fit, for the benefit of the woman.

When women are young and pretty, they are entitled to hot bad boys to entertain them. When they are older, have tons of sexual experience, and children from different fathers, they are entitled to a husband to financially support them. But a husband with no power to lead the home, since their past choices of man showed they have no interest in following a man who has good character. And the churches, pastors, courts, schools, hospitals, etc. are all there to enforce this view of men as clowns / slaves.

This is what women are told about the role of men in every area of society. This society, including the Christian parents, Christian pastors, Christian culture, etc. do not produce women who prefer early marriage to men who are good at moral leadership and spiritual leadership. Therefore, men who are chaste, sober, have good educations, good private sector jobs, good savings, etc. need to be extremely careful. Look at the responses to Foster’s tweet, and think: do these people care about providing you with a good wife? Or is their concern all about how to insult you and shame you, until you are submissive to her needs?

Your marriage is your enterprise for serving God

My advice to men right now is to read over every single critical tweet in that thread that Foster started. Imagine that you are trying to get these women to do something in a marriage that is part of your plan to make the marriage serve God. You’re trying to get her to watch a William Lane Craig debate. You’re trying to get her to stop spending money on 50 Shades of Grey and Harry Potter. You’re trying to get her to stop smoking and drinking. You’re trying to get her to talk about the sermon instead of essential oils. You’re trying to get her to read a Thomas Sowell book. You’re trying to get her to not put the kids in day care or public schools.

You need to assume that her response to male leadership like this will be the exact same as the responses that Foster is getting to his tweet. And then after you have assumed it, then you need to keep your hands off that woman. Keep your distance, and ask her questions to find out what her real views are, and whether she is interested in growing into the kind of person who is safe for you to marry. Don’t forget that chastity and sobriety are important during the evaluation process, so that you aren’t influenced away from your leadership role. Don’t listen to her words, look at her actions.

12 thoughts on “Should Christian men consider single mothers for marriage?”

  1. One other thing: how many of these pastors demanding men man up and marry these single mothers who don’t respect them and don’t love or even like them have married such women themselves? Nope, they married their virginal girlfriend right out of high school or seminary.

    Just one more reason the church is dying. Get God’s laws into the churches and man’s doctrine out and it will change. Until then any man with any self respect will find better things to do and serve God as best he can on his own.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah it’s not like men like u are saying no to marriage because marriage is bad. We’re saying that we can do better for God as a single, if we don’t find a suitable mate to help us serve God. It’s not selfishness. We’re just asking 1 Cor 7 and 2 Tim 2:4 seriously. If a super woman comes along who is passionate bout making the marriage produce more for God, then by all means, marry her.

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  2. As I read this, neither you nor the pastor are saying that it’s wrong to marry a single mother, just that it would be wise not to rush into such a marriage. It’s amazing how something that shouldn’t be particularly controversial, gets people all worked up.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Do not marry single moms unless they are widows. As Jesus said:

    “31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: 32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.”

    Divorce does not “dissolve” a marriage. If a woman’s husband is still alive God sees her as his wife. To marry her becomes adultery on her part and on the part of the one who marries her. The female imperative is alive and well in the church, and many will suffer because of it. Doesn’t matter if the woman was abused or if the husband was a drug addict.

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  4. Dating/ and/or marrying up a single mother is a fool’s game! The cheap shots and marginalizing of this man is par for the course in our society. To take this a step further, here’s two other points to show how this dilemma of single mothers is exasperated even further.
    1. There’s a young man who’s a PHD student at Midwest Baptist Theological Seminary, and I believe also is an Associate Pastor at an evangelical Protestant church. He wrote an article admonishing single men in his church to not marry divorced single mothers, but to be willing to “step up” and marry up never married/out-of wedlock single mothers.
    2. I work with, and have worked with, single mothers who’ve had children out of wedlock by multiple men. The drama and problems, both in and out of the workplace are mind numbing. Not many takers there.

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  5. Trying to clarify a bit…are you suggesting trying to change a woman that is not like-minded in all the things you suggested (male leadership, stay at home mom etc)? Why not just find one that is?

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      1. And even there prayer and watching for signs of true sincerity is needed.

        Many will claim to change beliefs of practises while they are dating or in a happy place. But could decide to change later

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      2. I normally don’t tell people how to live. I’ll be turning 62 in 2 weeks, so I’ve been around for awhile, and I’ve seen and experienced a lot of things I’d rather have avoided. I think your desire to marry up with a nice traditional Christian woman, while noble and very understandable, is not realistic today. As much as many fine masculine men of faith would like to believe, evangelical Protestant churches (of which I’m no longer part off) are chalked full of broken women (e.g. single mommies, feminists, pagans). A sad reflection on our society, and on evangelicalism. Your choice is to remain celibate (not a death sentence), or marry up with a woman who has maybe some of the criteria you seek, especially major points (e.g. fidelity, some semblance of a moral compass, fiscal responsibility, ambivalent to feminism). But finding a woman who wants to argue apologetics and theology, or wants to be a stay at home mother (again noble and valid) is a stretch to say the least.

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