Spotted this on Sue Bohlin’s blog.(H/T Christian Alert via Neil Simpson’s latest round-up)
Excerpt:
Last week my dear friend Sandi Glahn wrote another boffo blog post about the myths of infertility, which included some of the dumb things people say.
It may be insensitivity or a lack of education that spurs people to say things that are unhelpful at the least and downright hurtful much of the time. I still remember my own daggers to the heart after our first baby died nine days after her birth. And for the past several years, I have been collecting actual quotes said to those already in pain.
So here’s my current list of What Not To Say when someone is hurting…
Here’s something NOT to say:
Don’t start any sentence with “At least. . . .”
• “At least you didn’t have time to really love her.”
• “At least he’s in heaven now.”
• “At least you have two other children.”
• “At least that’s one less mouth you’ll have to feed.”
• “At least it didn’t have to go through the pain of birth.”
• “At least you’ve had a good life so far, before the cancer diagnosis.”
Don’t attempt to minimize the other person’s pain.
• “Cancer isn’t really a problem.” (e.g., Shame on you for thinking that losing your hair/body part/health is a problem.)
• “It’s okay, you can have other children.”
And here’s what you can say and do:
What TO say:
• “I love you.”
• “I am so sorry.” You don’t have to explain. Anything.
What TO do:
• A wordless hug.
• A card that says simply, “I grieve with you.”
• Instead of bringing cakes, drop off or (better) send gift certificates for restaurants or pizza places.
Sounds like people shut down when they are grieving and need help keeping their lives going. Maybe even getting out of bed or eating and cleaning!
In addition to the tips, you can read the comments – they are pretty interesting. I’ve only ever been to ONE wedding (as a child – I remember nothing of it) and NO funerals. No one I know has ever died, except my pets. I don’t understand these things as much as other people do, so that’s why I posted it, just in case you guys are like me. If you have any more stories or advice, tell me.
Sue Bohlin is Ray Bohlin’s wife. They are from Probe Ministries. I used their resources a ton when I was going through college, along with Leadership University. Sue and Ray are awesome! I’ve learned a ton from them over the years.
WINTERY KNIGHT 
General principle – Proverbs 25:20 “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.”
Ever met that perpetually optimistic person? Who do you think you go to for comfort when tragedy strikes – the guy who lives in oblivion of evil or the guy who says, “that was wrong”?
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Thank you so much for posting part of my Tapestry blog, and for the kind words about Ray and me personally! You’ve made my day, Mr. Anonymous Blesser! :-)
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Wow! Sue Bohlin! Thanks for your comment, Sue. I have been reading your Probe stuff since I was in college in the mid 90s.
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Thanks, Wintery for posting this! Since I’ve been sick, (hopefully) well-meaning people have said some pretty cruddy things like:
-“Well, at least you don’t look sick. You look normal!”
-“Yeah, you are walking slower, but you’re still walking so you shouldn’t complain. It could be worse.” Uh duh. I know. And by stating “I’m having problems walking” does not qualify as a complaint, especially when asked why I walk “funny”.
-“Well, have prayed about it? Because God answers the prayers of the FAITHFUL.” Yikes. Thanks.
-“Are you pregnant? Cause you’ve gained weight over the last year.” Okay, NEVER good to ask (it’s rude) or comment about a virtual stranger’s weight. When I answer “No, I’ve been sick so I’ve gained some weight since I can’t work out,” I’ve actually received the reply, “Well, maybe you should just get pregnant now anyway.” Really. Maybe people from Jersey are really rude (and I’m a New Jerseyan).
This is so awesome, I’m going to put a link to this on Facebook & Twitter. Thanks! :-)
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Thanks. Did you see that Sue even stopped by and left a comment? So that’s Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse AND Sue Bohlin who have been by here to leave comments. Pretty soon we’ll get Michele Bachmann and Marsha Blackburn! Well, I hope so.
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I think you underestimate the influence and reach of your blog. And, I’m pretty sure you’ll be getting some more of your heroes stopping by. Are you ready?
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One of the things that people need the most when they’re hurting is really just a hug and company. (The Company part depends sometimes though, depending on what type of grief it is.
Discouragement changes our mental state and affects our decisions exponentially more than we think.
Hebrews 3 is awesome-
“But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”
I don’t know if that directly applies to grieving, but I’ve seen in my own life just how much my outlook on things changed when I was super down and someone took some time to encourage me.
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When my parents and sister passed away, I was most helped by people who shared stories or thoughts, even tiny ones, about them. In that way, for me, they continued to live.
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