C. Michael Patton of Parchment & Pen is depressed.

First part is here. (The second part of his series is here)

Excerpt:

It is a very dark time in my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. About three or four weeks ago I changed.

[…]All I can say is that I have had some sort of mental breakdown. My strength is gone. Depression? Certainly. Anxiety? Definitely. Fighting with the Lord? Most assuredly. All I know is that I broke a few weeks ago and I don’t know how to fix myself. All of the advice that I have given to broken people over the years is now pointed back at me and I realize how empty it can be.

Why? I don’t know. I wish I did. I have spent the last few weeks obsessing with how to get “me” back. I have analyzed every possible turn. God seems to have gone AWOL and I can’t get in touch with him other than through the cold hard facts. Facts are facts. They are nice, but I am coming to realize how much I need his presence in other ways. He has not been seen in this neck of the woods in quit some time.

I am sometimes not in the best of spirits, but then I always fall back on my arguments and facts. I always thought that the facts would protect me, and they always have – from everything. Now I laugh at God when he lets bad things happen to me. I’m like “yeah, good one. You got me. So what do you want this time? More church? Or more prayer? More Bible reading? More donations?” I actually thank God for not trying to get my attention by going after my health or something more central to me. I am surprised that the facts failed Patton.

On the other hand, I understand why he feels depressed, because he and I have the same notion of what causes depression.

He says this:

My family was strong and they were all following you. Now everyone that I loved so dearly and saw you in is either dead, mentally incapacitated, doubting, or depressed. Some have three of the four. It is so dark at mom’s house. It used to be so wonderful. You were there. And my ministry: it was a joy I turned to so often and found you when you were gone in other places. For years you had surprise moves that energized my spirit with your presence. Now you have left the building here as well. I have come to the point where I am timid and insecure. The mandate that I had is gone.

I agree with this. It is extremely challenging to continue to do the right thing when God doesn’t seem to be supporting you. What is happening to him could happen to me, and I wish him a speedy recovery. But I do have some comments and I want to express them below, with humility.

My thoughts

My view of Christianity has always been consistent with being a secret agent. When things go wrong, your government abandons you and disowns you. My view of the Christian life has always been like that. Even the Father turned away from the Son when the Son was doing his duty on the Cross, atoning for the sins of the whole world. So a good Christian like Patton can do all the right things, but because people have free will, and natural evil happens, things may not work out – and that is OK. So, I have really low expectations.

For me, the Christian life is like the old spy series Mission Impossible.

Most episodes begin with the leader of the IMF getting orders from a hidden tape recorder and an envelope of photos and information which explains the mission. The tape always begins with “Good Morning Mr. Phelps/Briggs”, explains the situation, and ends with “Your mission, should you decide to accept it”, with a brief explanation of the goal of the mission, along with a reminder that “as always, should you or any of your IM force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”

I don’t expect anything – I just do my job, and try to bleed as little as possible on God’s rug when my teeth get kicked in. I think that something idealistic died in me a long time ago when I first realized that doing the right thing gets you killed. It got Jesus killed. He was without sin, yet the Father would not save him from his duty to obey. So what’s the problem? This life doesn’t work. You can do the right thing, but there are no guarantees. We need to realize that the story of Jesus doesn’t turn happy until after he dies.

This intro to the movie Casino Royale makes my point in a cool way:

Or the Bible, if you prefer:

1 Corinthians 4:1-4:

¹So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the secret things of God.

²Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.

³I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.

⁴My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.

Daniel 3:13-18:

¹³ Furious with rage, Nebuchadnezzar summoned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. So these men were brought before the king,

¹⁴ and Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up?

¹⁵ Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.

¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.

¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Daniel 3:18 actually has an amazing story that goes with it, but one that would never ever be preached on in the feminized church.

I think that Patton shows us that even the best Christians have a breaking point. I’m probably not as strong as he is – and he certainly attempts more for the Lord than I do, but I try to avoid exposing myself to threats. It’s best not to be overconfident about your limitations. Instead, live in a way so that you can stand your ground when God withdraws his support.

So here’s my advice. Save your money, don’t spend it on fun stuff. Make financial investments. Don’t take risks unless it’s for the Kingdom. Be careful to avoid sin. Don’t attempt to do more than you can handle. Don’t make poor decisions and hope to be bailed out by God. Run your faith like a business – think everything through the best you can, objectively. Focus on truth when building your worldview – not feelings. Find out how everything in life works so you aren’t surprised. Don’t believe that you can sin and escape the damage – you can’t, even if God forgives you. Tell your friends the truth, and teach them apologetics so that they can stand with you. Keep in mind that Satan is real and would love to crush your plans, and you with them. Be careful. Be prepared.

We all need to encourage one another intentionally – as if our lives depended on it. There’s a war on, soldier. Look out for the man next to you, and train him to be able to look out for you.

My favorite lecture of all time

Now may be a good time to point you all to the lecture that changed my life: Dr. Walter Bradley’s “Giants in the Land”.

Dr. Walter L. Bradley

• Ph.D. in Materials Science, University of Texas at Austin, 1968
• B.S. in Engineering Science, University of Texas at Austin, 1965

My favorite lecture of all time:

• Giants in the Land (fixed – smaller file size, noise reduced)

That is what Christianity is about. It’s not about what you see in church on Sundays.

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• the fate of the unevangelized (what about those who never heard of Jesus)
• are all religions basically the same?
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