In the last few months, I’ve met 5 different Christian women in their 30s who all asked me the same question: where are all the good men who want to marry me?
Christian men’s rights blogger Dalrock had two different posts where he described the answer to this question.
Here is the first post from Dalrock that concisely illustrates the problem:
As I wrote in A very long season, feminists don’t want to waste a day more of their youth and fertility on their husbands than absolutely necessary. As if to prove this very point, 30 year old Mona Chalabi writes in the NY Times* I Want My 2.3 Bonus Years:
If I could prolong my time as a young adult by, say, 2.3 years, here is a list of things I would like to do:
• Go to more parties. Preferably wild parties that I can think about, years later, at mild parties.
[…]• Have more romantic partners.
[…]• Get a bit higher up the career ladder a bit earlier on. That would probably boost my earnings, giving me more financial security. I could use that money to go to more parties, get a membership to a fancy gym and maybe even meet a romantic partner on the ab machines.
To drive the message home, the image at the top of the article is a cartoon of a resentful Chalabi giving her future husband the side eye for her lost years of sampling penises!
Surely, this must be an isolated case just for New York Times feminists, right? It’s not widespread, is it?
Second post from Dalrock:
Margaret Wente at the Globe and Mail* asks where all the good men have gone. Wente comes to the conclusion that women need a sex cartel:
…it’s up to us to make the rules. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” my father used to say. It drove me crazy when he said that. Now, it’s dawned on me that he was right.
Since the women’s cartel collapsed, women’s bargaining power has seriously eroded. That’s why so many single women hate Tinder, which has further commodified sex for the benefit of men. Women are just another consumer good in the shop window.
The apex fallacy aside, Wente is partially right. Women (as a group) have signaled to men that what they really want are exciting sexy badboys, not boring loyal dudes. It isn’t that women no longer want to marry beta providers, they just don’t want to waste a day more of their youth and fertility on their husband than absolutely necessary.
As a result, some up and coming boring loyal dudes aren’t knocking themselves out in their twenties while they wait for their future wife to tire of having sex with other men.
If you wonder why men are no longer performing in school, and exchanging careers for video games, the answer is simple. Men have realized that young women today, under the influence of feminism, are not interested in traditional husbands during their late teens and 20s. During these years, women are interested in travel, fun, drinking, hook-ups and cohabitation with amoral atheists. This is what I have personally observed. In the minds of young women, the highest value men are good-looking men who have no religion, and make no moral judgments, and are left of center politically – especially on abortion.
There are actually many other men who don’t meet this standard – marriage-minded men – who want to get married young and have children. But when these men see what young women really want, they just give up on school and work, since doing the traditional male roles has no value to young women. Many good men even give up on morality and Christianity, because they want a relationship with a woman so badly. They know that women don’t want marriage-minded men when women are youngest and prettiest.
More from second post:
What Wente doesn’t understand is that timing is everything. From an economic point of view, women are dividing up sexual access that traditionally would have been reserved only for their husband into two blocks. The first block contains their most attractive and fertile years, and it is dedicated to no strings sex with exciting badboys. Then, once women reach what Rollo calls the epiphany phase, they want to bargain sexual access in their remaining (older and less fertile) years for maximum beta bucks.
The problem with this strategy is (generally speaking) not that the previously overlooked beta men will refuse to marry the suddenly reformed party girls. The problem is that young men now look at the men 3-5 (and even 5-10) years older than them and don’t see an indication that signaling provider status will make them attractive to women. They also see a society that holds married fathers in contempt**. Most of these men are still working hard in their late teens and twenties to prepare to signal provider status in their 30s. But a growing minority of young men are no longer doing so. These men are instead working like women. Once the reformed party girls are ready to find Mr. Beta Bucks, there is a shortage of 30 something men who fit the bill. Even worse, no amount of complaining or shaming will cause the missing beta providers to go back in time and spend the prior decade preparing for this moment.
I’m one of the last men who followed the marriage-preparedness script for traditional men who wanted to marry and have four children and have a stay-at-home homeschooling mom to raise them from birth to graduate school. I find myself now in my mid-40s, with a 6-figure income and a 7-figure net worth. I never used my success to play the field with hot bad girls. I wanted to keep my sexual past completely clean for my eventual wife. However, what I observed in my late teens and 20s and even early 30s was a complete lack of interest in marriage ability, from non-Christian women and Christian women alike. Christian women aren’t learning to value early marriage from their married parents or their evangelical churches. None of the traditional husband skills are valued by young women, i.e. – chastity, gapless resume, alcohol abstinence, undergraduate and graduate STEM degrees, experience nurturing and mentoring others, stewardship of earned income.
I recently caused an uproar on my Facebook page by saying that even if the perfect woman showed up right now to marry me, I would not pursue her because the critical time where the woman could have applied maximum youth, beauty and fertility as a wife to make an impact on my education, early career, health, and finances has passed. A younger woman develops value to her husband precisely by applying herself to him and to her family in these critical early years. Men who have experienced this self-sacrificial love and support are loyal to their wives even after their wives lose their youth and beauty. Why? Because the men know that they are much better than they could have been, having enjoyed that early investment of value made by their young wives.
As Christian writer Matt Walsh notes in a recent article at the Daily Wire, this “follow your heart” focus on happiness in women is lethal to marital stability, and men know it.
Excerpt:
There was an article in Cosmo this week with a title that summarizes all that’s wrong with Cosmo and modern society as a whole: “I eloped at 25, divorced at 26, and dated my way across Europe all summer.” Of course, by “dated my way across Europe” she means that she slept with half the continent.
The author, Elise, says she “started fighting” with her husband and within a few months they both decided that their differences were irreconcilable. Despite counseling, she says, “neither of us was happy.” So, exhausted from 12 whole months of marriage, Elise embarked on a voyage of self-discovery and STD cultivation. She met random dudes in half a dozen countries and had sex with them, learning quite a lot as she went, though she can’t really explain what exactly she learned or why sex was a necessary component in learning it. Finally, she came home and started dating some other guy. The end.
Well, not really the end. 20 years from now I’m sure we’ll get the follow up article: “I’m alone and miserable and it’s everyone’s fault but mine.” After all, you may be able to fill the emptiness in your soul with frivolous sex when you’re young and physically desirable, but that phase is fleeting. People who don’t want to “waste” their beauty and youth on a spouse, so they waste it instead on strangers who don’t love them or even care what happens to them tomorrow, will be shocked when a tomorrow comes where even strangers aren’t interested anymore. This is where the single-minded, utterly selfish pursuit of “happiness” at all costs inevitably leads: to rejection, despair, and a quiet, unnoticed death on a lonely hospital bed.
As Elise helpfully demonstrated, “do what makes you happy” is poison in a marriage. Many a vow has been broken because one or both partners decide to chase “happiness” instead of commitment, fidelity, and love. “I deserve to be happy,” reports the legion of serial divorcees, as they drift on to the next spouse, and the next, and the next, and the next, looking for the one — the one, finally — who might cure the misery they’ve inflicted on themselves. Increasingly unhappy, yet increasingly convinced that they deserve to be.
And this follow your heart to happiness situation is alive and well in the church today. Marriage-minded Christian men who have prepared for husband roles are surprised to find that there is often little or no difference between Elise and the Christian women the church produces. Christian men who desire to invest in a marriage that is stable, productive and influential have nowhere to turn for a wife who is able and willing to help. In my experience, the problem with happiness-focused women who delay marriage is never discussed in churches from the pulpit. The “good men to marry” that today’s 30-something women are looking for were plentiful back when those same women were in their early-to-mid 20s.
WINTERY KNIGHT 
The “good men to marry” already got married when these complaining women wouldn’t give them a second look back in their 20’s. Or they have decided not to take the risk on women who gave their best years and best sex to other guys in their 20’s.
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Yes. I hope that by explaining it women who are aware of the moral law will make better decisions to get the result they intend to get.
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These women have what, exactly, to offer a man? Well, let’s see:
Tattoos
Obesity
Other men’s kids
Incurable STDS
Tons of debt
An endless list of demands with zero reciprocity
No thanks, “ladies”, I’m better off single.
Oh, one more thing. “It’s my hot body and I do what I want.” Enjoy your STDS and being no more than a piece of meat.
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Your list of baggage they carry makes me laugh because of leftist ideas.
It is wrong to them for a man to not date a woman based on physical choices she made such as weight, tatoos, etc
But if someone can only have sex with their own sex, or identify in some other way it must be respected by all and makes complete sense.
Having a physical preference seems to only apply to non straight males or women
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Being legally tied by law that has an economic force on your life enforced by the state is high risk to men.
Especially when many women emotionally interpret marriage vows. Vowing forever means as long as positive feelings and happiness lasts, to many women.
Guys tend to make a more legal and standard interpretation that forever means actually forever.
That disconnect in interpretation could make any man have a pause when gov’t and laws are slanted in favour of women in all matters
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Dear Wintery Knight,
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and in general I agree with your views in the articles you have written and I would like to encourage you and tell you that you are not alone in facing this situation.
I spent my 20s to early 30s in America (where I assume you live), building up my career, and found your article’s description to be fairly accurate. Women, and even practically 100% of unmarried western ‘Christian’ women, are generally not interested in marriage or committed relationships in their 20s with a regular person like me, and only started showing interest in me when in their 30s. Thinking back, the only exception I noticed were some 1st or 2nd generation Christian Asian immigrants, who seemed much more receptive in building a committed relationship in their 20s. Unfortunately, I had only very incidental exposure to such people while I was pursuing my career in the west.
So in my early 30s, I decided to move to a large and modern city in Asia. By then, I had a six-figure income and networth, although I continued to live a relatively frugal lifestyle, so it was not easy for acquaintances to know my actual wealth . In my new city, I noticed a similar pattern in about 70% of all ‘Christian’ women, where they would pursue fun and career in their 20s before trying to settle down with me in their 30s. I also dated some STEM career women, including doctors, lawyers, bankers, engineers, and scientists before realizing something important. A high paced career, will generally interfere with the ability of a wife to care for her household and spend time with Christ and her husband. In addition, many of these older ‘experienced Christian career women’, looked down at my frugal lifestyle, in their pursuit of more material comforts. They also had higher expectations of the man they wanted to eventually settle down with, in that they wanted him to be able to provide more luxuries and have a higher social-economic standing in society, even after spending their 20’s on worldly career pursuits and fun. Hence, unlike you, I don’t think a STEM career is beneficial.
I met an attractive Christian girl in her early 20s, who is chaste, passionate about volunteering to help disadvantaged youth in her local community, teaches child bible class at her church, with 4 years of working experience as a childcare teacher, and in the final year of her part-time undergraduate studies. Not a master in apologetics like you have written about, but she knew enough to quote Proverbs 31 and Ephesians 5:22. Reflecting back, a marriage relationship is supposed to reflect that of Christ and the Church. Christ never expected us to have a ‘minimum’ standard in knowledge to start a relationship with Him. Instead, I think that a willingness to submit to her spouse along with some understanding of the bible is what I think is sufficient for a Christian wife. After all, there will still be time for us to grow together and learn more about Christ while we are in a close partnership together. We are currently engaged and plan to get married after this covid19 situation is over (the government in my area has currently banned all gatherings).
I have read your blog over the years, and I understand the unhappiness with not being able to find a spouse. I spent over a decade searching too before I finally found a suitable partner. Even if you have ‘reached your full potential without a spouse’, you could potentially still consider building up the Christian life of your spouse, if you meet someone willing to follow your leadership. After all, Boaz did not turn down Ruth when she lay at his feet. Perhaps if it’s difficult for you to find a committed Christian partner in the West, you might consider searching in the East.
Best Wishes.
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Excellent story, reasoning and arguments. I find the idea of building up a Christ-centered woman a good goal. I’m just not sure if marriage is required on order to achieve that.
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I agree that marriage is not required.
I guess I view it through the lens of 1 Corinthians 7. Not everyone has the ‘gift’ to be single. At least I don’t think I have this gift. For me, it’s better to be married than to be tempted constantly, and in my old age, hopefully I will have someone to care for me.
Assuming, one has the chance to meet a suitable partner of course.
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Somewhere I read this pithy comment (I forgot where) “Men are willing to give their entire lives to a woman in exchange for a woman’s best ten years.” Absolutely true, but today’s women don’t want to give their best years to their husbands. They want their husbands to be satisfied with the worn out leftovers.
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Yes, yes, yes. We want her to be around and investing in us and the young children when we are 25-45. And then the experience of her being there “prints” on the man and he always her as young, and always thinks if her as “helper” not “supermodel”. Her function to him is tied up in the investment she made in his project. And he refused to look at other women because they don’t have the knowledge of him to do her job. She is indispensable, and her security comes from that.
We don’t teach women that.
We teach them that men have no right to lead a marriage enterprise that they will help with. We teach them that investing in a a man early is a lower priority than riding the bad boy carousel, traveling, career, etc. They don’t distinguish men by marriage qualities, only by surface qualities. This is a huge mistake that sets them up for failure later. It’s related to the female tendency to want to have it all, and experience everything.
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I’ve read your blog for some time now and have to say, I’m not sure there is any reason to pursue relationships. I’m in my late 20’s, have a good career (attorney), physically fit, above average height and looks (so I’ve been told). None of it is enough.
At best, I’m put on the shelf in the hope i will still be around if mr. perfect doesnt comes around. I’ve dated before, get dates when I pursue, but these girls are extremely foolish. I’ve even had their fathers make excuses for them to me afterwards in what must come from a sense of shame.
I guess my question is, when wonder can I give myself permission to give up? Hope deferred makes the heart sick, and I’m decidedly finished feeling sick.
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The strange thing is that many women don’t even ask questions related to a man’s marriage intentions or ability. They think that getting commitment and loyalty from a man is free, and the important thing about a man is what they can see with their eyes.
A while back, my friend Lindsay told me that my problem is that I don’t communicate my wealth in ways that are obvious to women. I was told to buy a more expensive muscle car, and get a big fancy watch, better clothes, cologne, etc. I told Lindsay that if I wasted money on that, I wouldn’t be able to retire at 50. I said that writing online is enough, and women can always ask me what it is that makes me tick. I don’t keep things like me resume, portfolio, references from previous girlfriends, etc. secret. But no one asks. They trust their intuition to tell them what a man is worth.
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I simply wanted someone to love me for who I am, not what I could do for her and provide her with, and if I couldn’t have that then stay single. I’m still single.
Robin Williams said it best: being alone isn’t the worst that can happen to you. Being surrounded by people that make you feel alone is.
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Well for Christians, I would say that we are looking for someone who will commit to us because they see our potential for a Christian lie. So that’s not going to liking me for me, it’s going to be committing to me regardless of whether you like me or not, permanently and through all changes and challenges, with the goal of helping me to be holy and productive / effective as a Christian.
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