These days, there seems to be a perception that in order to be an alpha male, you have to become a pick-up artist and sleep with a whole bunch of fatherless women, then ghost them (don’t talk to them any more). But as a Christian man, that’s all off-limits to me. Still, my best friend Dina tells me that I am an alpha male, despite being a virgin. How can that be?
In this post, I’m going to lay out three ways for a Christian man to be an alpha male without being a promiscuous predator who preys on vulnerable fatherless girls.
1. Never let a woman override your vision to serve Christ
It can be challenging to project the attitude of aloofness that women associate with strength while still being a good, moral man. One way to do that is to self-sacrificially invest your time, money and effort into some enterprise that benefits Christ. For example, in my case, I’ve invested time in learning apologetics, having a blog as a platform, and giving charity to invest in organizations to do apologetics events. I was pressured from Christian women to “tone it down” for their friends and family. I was also pressured to redirect my attention from apologetics to their need to have a good time (travel, zip-lining, skydiving, surfing were mentioned as good ways to spend my money on them). Alpha males don’t give up their mission in order to get the girl.
It is tempting for a man to let a woman re-focus his time, money and effort on giving her what she wants. If she is his wife, then some of that will be legitimate, just as some government spending is legitimate because it is Constitutional. A man should love his wife, protect her and provide for her. But he should not be distracted for other frivolous priorities that have nothing to do with a Christian marriage plan. Christian women often absorb secular left priorities from the culture, and they expect Christian men to give them what the culture says they ought to want or need, e.g. – putting the kids in daycare and public schools so she can have a career like her non-Christian friends. Alpha males put their own vision above what the secular left culture says they should be doing.
2. Never let a woman disrespect your leadership / mentoring role
It’s important for you to have areas of your life where you actually know what you are talking about, and have demonstrated success at mentoring others. In my case, those areas are education, career and finances. I have invested time in learning what to study. And I achieved a BS and MS in computer science. I have invested time in learning how to interview, what skills to train, and what jobs to take, and how to keep a job. And I achieved a 20-year+ gap-less resume with good companies, using good skills. I have chosen not to borrow money at interest (ever), not to spend money on travel / fun / thrills, and to invest early and often. And I have achieved a six-figure income and will have a 7-figure net worth by my mid-forties. A man needs to have areas like that where he studies and achieves, so that he knows how to advise others, and has a record of successful mentoring.
I sometimes mentor women. Some of them listen to me and some do not. I’ve gotten women to drop their non-STEM majors to study engineering or computer science. I’ve gotten women to stop wasting money on fun and thrills, in order to pay off their debts and start investing and giving to charity. I’ve gotten women to dump hot bad boys who would not commit, and choose commitment-minded men. I’ve gotten women to quit bad jobs in order to take better jobs. In the areas where I have demonstrated competence, I expect women to respect my leadership, even if it makes them feel bad in the short term. Men signal alpha male status when they obtain good results in their mentoring activities.
Also, I’m just going to throw this out there: “spiritual leadership” does not mean telling a woman that God really is speaking to her through her feelings, when she wants to make impulsive, impractical decisions that are likely to result in failure.
3. Never let a woman stop you from expressing your moral convictions
In the 2012 election, most single / unmarried / divorced women voted pro-abortion and pro-gay-marriage.
Excerpt:
NBC News national exit polling shows that 67 percent of unmarried women said they voted for Obama. That’s in line with the 2008 election, when 70 percent of single women helped usher the president into office. This proves it wasn’t a single-election phenomenon: unmarried women have solidified into a powerful voting force, experts say.
[…]By the way — this isn’t just young women, Maatz pointed out. Many of the single women voters were over 50 — divorced, widowed or never married.
These women voted for a candidate who voted multiple times for infanticide as a state senator in Illinois. Why is this? Well, young unmarried women are more influenced by feelings like compassion. They tend to see themselves as “exempt” from moral standards, because they are constantly told that they are “special”. They tend to see the predictable consequences of poor choices as “unexpected”, causing them to think that people aren’t responsible for their own poor choices. As a result, they tend to be more progressive in their voting, and less Christian in their moral convictions.
A man can signal his alpha male status to women by being bold and persuasive on moral issues (and issues of policy that touch on moral issues). This may not work on all women, but it will work on the ones he should be interested in for wife and mother roles. Men should never just express their feelings about moral issues, or just tell about their experiences. Men ought to go further, and make logical arguments supported by scientific evidence. Instead of sharing “their opinion” (subjective), they ought to press those who disagree to change their minds. It is the studying of arguments and evidence that allows the Christian man to signal alpha male status when these moral issues are debated.
Conclusion
My friend Dina likes to say that the essence of manliness is when a man refuses to let a woman redirect him away from his vision and his moral convictions by using sex, sexual attraction, the promise of sex, or by withholding sex (from her husband). I think men can learn something from her definition. Women are useful as helpers, but we shouldn’t automatically assume that they are wise and virtuous, and give them the authority to rule over us in areas where we ought to lead. Dina also says never to trust women’s words, when deciding whether they will respect your leadership in your vision and moral convictions. Before you marry a woman, you must observe her taking the initiative to perform independent actions that help you with your vision – actions that go against her own feelings and desires. The most important part about being an alpha male is not losing your alpha male status by marrying someone who won’t respect it.
WINTERY KNIGHT 
Great post, WK.
The biggest understatement was “Christian women often absorb secular left priorities from the culture.”
And also “but we shouldn’t automatically assume that they are wise and virtuous.”
I mean, 1 out of 4 women in America have paid somebody to murder at least one of their children in the womb. Not all of these are atheists – in fact, studies show that over half identify as “christian.”
Well over half of “evangelicals” support LGBTQP now, so, young Christian men need to be exceptionally wary of women, especially women in churches who have been raised on condensed milk at best. The reverse applies as well.
One of the better memes I have seen lately is one with a young woman holding a sword that reads “Don’t look for a Princess to save, look for a Queen to fight by your side.” It is an oversimplification for sure, but still good advice going forward.
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What is a woman to do if her husband turns so uncooperative in the society and community that eventually he starts taking what he felt he earned through time, sweat, as he said blood , and breaking his rear. I tried for decades to get him to at least try the options presented to him just to Do things out of the way of people that considered, themselves more important than he was by virtue of family, Job, Political or religious affiliation. He would have had far more time off if he had just tried to take those options and use them instead of fight everyone tooth and nail about his rights, to holidays, vacation slots.. Shifts, Job positions even weekends off. If he would have just sat down with us and tried to work with us in deciding these things as a family and friend group we could have come up with solutions that every one got time off, a shift they wanted without causing disruptions in lives.
MY husband was just so obstinate he would throw that UAW contract book at us and yell that what was supposed to rule the way those things were decided within the plants 7500 person Persone, we watched other men without a care for any one but what they wanted tear the life out of family’s. Church’s, the institutions that needed parantal cooperation and participation. like the school board. Coaching for sports, just simply being there for kids. The Christmas holidays I always thought that once we had our own children he could get off to be with our children.
I would not allow sex thinking if he could not have compassion for other families how could I think he would be there for our children. Especially after a few years he started showing such disrespect for the community institutions and traditions. Like in 2003 when he could have cared less that our deacon needed the Christmas holiday with his wife and three children, HE had been off so much taking care of church needs he was supposed to work the Christmas holiday instead of my husband.
I had promised that summer as a way to get my husband to stop slamming his father and me off walls to get his passport returned to him after we had locked it in his fathers safe deposit, to keep him home off the Ireland trip to Just let him do as he pleased from then on about his vacations and holidays. Just stop bouncing us of the walls and floors because we had stop him from going on the trip to Ireland over the 4th of July Holiday. I was crying he did not have to murder someone to get time off we could find another vacation after the Fist of the year for him. All I saw was his fist come around hitting me because I had given his passport to his father to Lock away 4 weeks before.
When I woke up and started thinking clearly he had his passport his father was bleeding and the police were there telling us we had no right to take his property. I was crying whos plans was he going to destroy because he had not had his way when he could always try the time after the first of the year off instead. I was crying that we had tried year after year to get him to at least try that time as his own time off we would make it worth his while. He dumped our luggage in front of the bank and said find our own way home he had to go to work.
Then after his father and the deacon and his foreman got together and hatched a plan to make him take the time after the first of the year off I made reservations for Cabo San Lucas. It was to be his birthday present to start on the 5th of January his 48th birthday in 2004 four weeks there and at the Grand Canyon. He would have been off the first two months of the year if he had just been accepting of the way we set things up He was refused the week before the 23rd of December to hace off in a bad screaming match with his Forman about his right under the contract to have the week before anther an with far less seniority and only two days left in personal time to his 20 days he had left since he had not taken even one day off that year. His foreman knew he would get the five semis worth of receiving done and most of the inventory . he would leave him to do over the holidays, The deacon and him had the rest of the department filter out the prior four days leaving my husband who’s personal time had been denied against contract rules.
Then My husbands holiday canvas refusal. And the deacon going to the Union and using a religion out against my husband to get him to work. My husband got more than even leaving prof on the deacons wife’s chair that he was not faithful but a fillanderer. HE did it in such a way that He was removed as deacon the next month. Two years later after my husband had laid his reputation so low and his divorce was final and he was losing the last vestage of any pride he had he Shot himself in the head with a shotgun under his chin. The next year I took his passport and again his father put it in his safe deposit, Declaring that someday we had to get some cooperation Out of my husband over his rights.
We stepped out of the Airport that year, Tell me if it was right that even though he had not had a day off since 1981 that in the 22 years that followed his Discharge and we pointed out he could take the January February time off. That he grabbed his father screaming he had no right to hold his passport from him and he’s body slamming him to the pavement and kicked me in my head for giving it to him to keep him home that August and Not let him go to Scandinavia Or was it childish that he would do that because he had not been allowed his way for 25 years Wasn’t pointing out nobody wanted the Time in his plant in January and February enough to offer as his time he could take,
Then He backed us into a corner In 2009 HE made all the arrangments at the end of May for a double berth On the Orient express trip Locked everything away from me as I plead with him not to go and just chose the time after January 1st 2010. When we chose to meet him in a TSA conference room to explain why we had canceled our double berth to let his trainee and his 4 month pregnant bride have the Berth, I said we knew he had not had a day off or vacation in decades. We were just asking for six more months and we could find a vacation then he would like.
I had already made it to St Croix for the entire five weeks of his vacation. Instead he throws me across the room and landed on his father to strangle him to death before coming back to kill me over a vacation he wanted. I never hurt so bad for five months until that day and my dislocated shoulder. He would have had his time off. Any year he wanted with just a little effort to plan things right. For a mid winter vacation we could have had a very nice life without conflict.
Was I the one trying to be adult in the situation or did he have the right to use his seniority as he saw fit? Was there any thing else I could have tried, Until he finally became so Depressed in October 2009 that MRSA set into his central spine ruining any other plans I had for St Croix for the next three years, Those years because I Just wanted Peace over the holidays I never would sign for him to be bought home in a wheel chair van.
HE of course felt we were again interfering in his rights He was in that rehab for three years without getting out. We just did not know what would be best for everyone. IF we included him after the savragry he proved himself capable of over his rights. Over 35 people hurt Many very badly for interfering with him It was two weeks after he came home from rehab and the day he was let out of the regional mental health I was getting ready to go to a black tie dinner that I had promised to accompany his fathers best friend to. When I run square into his chest coming out of my room.
I should have decided to call his father right then and say I had to be with his oldest son that evening . After my husband stated good I was ready to go out. He had not been out even to a movie in 31 years He d4ecided that I was keeping the hundreds of promises that I broke to him trying to get him to just let things go and do what was needed for everyone else. Just once be understanding of the way things were going to work If he would just give us the chance to show him, that our way would work out even for him. It did not have to be what everyone else had or wanted there were other ways.
HE did not care I was begging for just four hours, then he could pick a place to meet his parents me, his fathers friend and whoever we could get to speak to him about our expectations from then on, The only opinion that matered was his and he cared less about ours, I was pleading it was not decades I was asking, not even years, or months or we4ks or day I was asking for I was just asking for 4 more hours to get things settled. I said now he was retired we had all the time in the world to make up for the last 31 years, nobody had to hurt over his rights. I hurt an hour after he walked through the door.
I was sitting on the edge of my bed crying in a bath robe thinking why did it have to come t6o his deciding I was going to have the sex I had refused even that afternoon when he forced me ripping my gown off of me in a rage. The evening which was so important to his father and his friend failed to happen over my husband deciding he was the only one that mattered. That nothing that did not concern him mattered in our home. He has not made any consideration for any one but himself since.
Was I so wrong in using sex denial to get what I wanted. . Or was I totally in the right?
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Was I so wrong in using sex denial to get what I wanted. . Or was I totally in the right?
Callie,
Denying your husband sex is always wrong! Why would you want to make him even madder and more difficult to live with? Quit doing that crap before he kills somebody! 1 Peter 2:19-3:6
Submit to him in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24 And reverence Him. Ephesians 5:33 And let him plan his own vacations, he obviously wants to be in control, so stop fighting and let him be in control. No matter what your circumstances are, the Bible still applies to you and your husband the same as it applies to anybody else. Obey God.
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