Today, many women put off marriage while they’re in their 20s, when they are most attractive to marriage-minded men. Some marry, but they marry based on spontaneity and feelings, and it turns into divorce. What happens next? Here’s an example from the UK Daily Mail. (H/T Dina)
Excerpt:
A divorced mother-of-three who sued an ‘exclusive’ dating agency after it failed to find her a rich boyfriend has been handed her money back by a top judge.
Tereza Burki paid £12,600 to Seventy Thirty to hunt for ‘possibly the man of my dreams, the father of my child’, she told the High Court in London.
The 47-year-old said the agency assured her it only dealt in ‘creme de la creme’ matches and could introduce her to ‘bachelors you dream of meeting’.
But Judge Richard Parkes QC today ordered the agency to repay her fee, ruling that she had been ‘deceived’ by Seventy Thirty’s then-managing director.
And, as well as giving her her money back, the judge awarded her £500 for the ‘disappointment and sadness’ she suffered. Her total award was £13,100.
Burki is 47 years old today, so in 2014, I assume that she was around 43 years old. 43, as you know, is well past the normal age for having children. Women’s fertility declines sharply at age 27, then takes a nose-dive at age 35. By 40, it’s nearly impossible to get pregnant, which is why women who want children ought to focus on finding a good man in their early-to-mid-20s.
More:
When she signed up with the agency in 2014, Mrs Burki’s requirements for the men she wanted to meet were ‘not modest’, the judge added.
She wanted a wealthy man with ‘a lifestyle similar or more affluent than her own’ and, ideally, ‘multiple residences’.
But the most important factor for Mrs Burki, who lives on an upmarket street in Chelsea, West London, was that her soulmate would be prepared to have more children, as she wanted four.
[…]Giving evidence during the case, Mrs Burki told the judge: ‘You shouldn’t promise people who are in a fragile state of mind, in their mid-40s, the man of their dreams.
I’m sure that the reason Dina sent me this article is to warn me about how irresponsible women can be. After all, this woman HAD a decade in her 20s to get serious about finding a man who would commit to her, and give her children. We don’t know what happened in her 20s. But judging from the enormous gap between her demands and her own attractiveness (43 and divorced with 3 children from another man), she was probably being selfish. She’s very clear about what she wants from a man, but she hasn’t prepared for what a man might want from her.
So let’s review that.
Marriage-minded men are interested in a wife during a certain time window when the support of a woman really makes a difference. That time period is the stressful period of a man’s life, when he first graduates from college or trade school and has to start his career. The first years of a career are the most stressful. And that’s when having the physical, emotional, and practical support of a young, attractive, chaste woman really makes a difference. Married men do better at things like earning, saving, health, etc. than single men. Naturally, the best time to GET THIS SUPPORT is the time when the man is doing things that determine his earning, saving, health, etc.
It’s not that older women have no value. It’s that the woman has to be present during the critical time when a man is trying to do hard things, and he doesn’t have the safety net of savings, a resume, etc. Many men move for their first jobs, which just adds another level of difficulty to those early years. When I moved for my first job, everything was difficult: eating, sleeping, cleaning, being content with chastity, etc. I had no family nearby, and I left behind all my friends. It would have been nice to have had the support of a young, and beautiful marriage-minded woman at the critical time when I needed it.
But now, after the degrees have been earned, the gapless resume filled out, the retirement accounts filled, and the house paid for, it’s hardly the time for a woman over 40 to show up and demand her share, when she never invested anything into the enterprise.
And yet, many women apparently DO think like this. Many seem to have no concept of what a man wants out of marriage, and that’s why they waste their 20s doing what feels good to them, and just expecting marriage to happen without any self-denial or self-sacrifice or self-control. If they really cared about marriage, then they would prioritize understanding what marriage-minded men want and need. They would be developing marriage skills and marriage character – things like cooking, caring for others, being good with money, child care, being sober, being faithful, etc. If a woman wants a husband, then she ought to be concerned with helping him to do the things that she expects him to do as a husband.
There used to be some awareness in young women that premarital sex with hot bad boys was bad for her future husband. That focusing on partying and travel was bad for her future husband. That doing easy degrees, getting easy jobs, while going into debt was bad for future husband. Now it seems that women are making all their decisions based on what feels good for them in the moment, in total ignorance of how that ruins their ability to invest in the man who wants to marry them later. They just can’t (or won’t) understand how being selfish today has consequences to marriage and family tomorrow.
Do women not look at marriage-minded men doing what we are doing and think “I don’t want him to have to do that alone. I want to help him, so that it’s not so difficult. And if I have to learn how to do things that help him, then I will put my own needs and feelings second, and learn to do what helps him”. Is there any woman out there who looks at a good, marriage-ready man, and thinks about what he needs? And about what she can do to help him? If not, then is it any wonder that men have lost interest in marriage?
I noticed that Dalrock also posted on this, and some of the comments are interesting.
WINTERY KNIGHT 
Well, this is just reflective of the shallow attitude of many women towards finding men! What they can get out of someone instead of give to someone! The bitter divorcee probably resents men and just wanted a sugar daddy to drain him dry than a fulfilling marriage! I’m shocked the judge actually gave her her money back!
That said, I do feel marriage is best taken on when both partners are more stable and settled in life. What’s the use of marriage and living together if you can’t afford the house? I’d want a man with a stable job and a decent saving habit. One who could provide us a home and financial stability. In return, I’d assume he’d want a wife who is happy to settle down with him and not be out traveling the world, or doing the crazy things young people do to “find themselves”. I’d think the prime time to marry would be young, but also financially stable, in a decent job.
My parents married in their 30’s and have had a lifelong marriage going on 30 years in a few years more :) I’d prefer marrying after graduating school, getting my degrees and finding a stable job. Same expectations for my partner. It’s no bargain and will put strain on a marriage if you do it when you’re not ready financially as well, even if you are emotionally. True love waits, and you have the rest of your life to be together in marriage. <3
https://aladyofreason.wordpress.com/
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Years ago (when my parents were young), people could afford the house because they were willing to live within their means. In other words, they lived in small, well-worn (or maybe run-down) houses or even trailers, not the McMansions today’s young people think they should have. Over time, they accumulated wealth and improved their situation, for example, their housing. The insistence on instant gratification is one very negative aspect of the attitude of young people today.
True love waits, but most today don’t wait. For that matter, far fewer ever bother to get married, either.
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Very good point to consider. But also realize, back then, it was much easier to get stable housing than now! Waiting for more financial stability isn’t something that is often regretted. It’s the exact opposite if instant gratification. Young lovebirds want to marry after the question is popped! But waiting a few months or years may turn out for the best in young love before both parties are more settled in life.
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Problem is a lot of people aren’t waiting on another facet that should be kept in marriage…and I’m not talking about financial stability here.
Let’s be honest…that’s the real issue here.
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Sadly “fierce” ladies are realizing that rich, interesting, engaging men their age dont need to spend dime one on an agency to ferret out “quality” catches like themselves. They’re everywhere but not many want them. Marriage for money? Well, if you wish to enter this cesspool of the superficial -be young and beautiful if you’re NOT the one with the money.
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‘Is there any woman out there who looks at a good, marriage-ready man, and thinks about what he needs? And about what she can do to help him? If not, then is it any wonder that men have lost interest in marriage?’
Is there any woman out there who is marriage-minded to begin with? If she’s not why would she care what a marriage-ready man wants or needs.
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I was reading elsewhere that women do objectify men, written by a woman. And for fuller disclosure, [some] men do objectify women, for beauty and youth — basically fertility — and women objectify men based on their financial status. I have come to the conclusion that unless otherwise discipled / trained, men and women choose based on evolutionary biology, or if I filter into Christianese, “Carnal men and women choose partners based on their evolutionary biology.”
We might ask, What’s a better way?
Getting married (no matter what age) is extremely stressful. Deuteronomy 24:5 (yes, Old Testament) says, (ESV) “When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.”
This is a good principle: for the first year that couples are married, free yourself of obligations and adjust to each other. Make good memories.
My church was totally supportive when I resigned a majority of my responsibilities and chose not to take on any new ones, and I gradually got myself out of the last responsibility (an annual outreach which I had overseen for about a decade) — I transitioned the leadership to capable hands.
We got married “later in life” (I was in my mid-30’s when I met my wife) and the stresses are different. Sure, we were both more financially well-off (my wife paid off all her educational loans before we got married, I had paid mine off more than a decade before I got married, I was more than maxing out 401k, I was dumping money into Roth IRAs and Employee Stock Purchase Plans beyond giving to seminary and to my church). (See why WK advises going into STEM?) We used the principle of living on one (my) income. Money became more of an issue when we had a family since spending changes. The more kids a family has, the higher variance on spending. Some of the conflict stems from a difference in “what money means” (and thus spending habits).
As I grew up middle class and I continue to be middle class, I do three things with my money: 1) spend some (keeping cost of living down without being ascetic), 2) save/invest some (rainy day, retirement, etc.) and 3) donate some. However, some of my values include delayed gratification, saving so that one can afford bigger and better things. I accept I won’t always have the money to do everything, and I have to figure out whether I really need it, what priority it is, and then save towards a worthy goal.
My wife grew up lower class (her dad abandoned them when she was early in her teens, her mom had a mental breakdown) but she is very bright — took a route that would get her through college+doctorate in a total of 6 years in a moderately lucrative STEM field. Money was largely in short supply growing up, but they splurged around Christmas (also close to her birthday). But pretty much, if she received a monetary gift, they spent it almost right away.
In short, the differences between us caused conflict (and financial conflict occasionally comes up). (When I was dating, I was trying to be discerning that a woman wasn’t marrying me for my money/wealth. The only person I told about my 401k and savings strategies was my wife when we were already engaged.)
For younger people, one does have to adjust one’s expectations. I’ve seen plenty of happy couples who married early. Two friends of mine met when they were in middle school. They started dating freshman year of high school. They went to the same college, and when the now husband was in his Ph.D. studies and the wife had finished her Master’s, they got engaged and got married shortly afterward. So somewhere around 23 or 24. They didn’t have a lot of money in their first few years of marriage and they probably waited about 4-5 years before having kids (maybe like 1-2 years after the husband finished his Ph.D.)
The three of us shared a lot together. We coordinated new student Christian orientation. We co-led one ministry together. The wife spearheads the annual VBS and has for about a decade. And they have three kids (the oldest is a teenager now). He’s an assistant group leader for Optical Communications. (He’s even got a talk that he did at the Keck Institute for Space Studies at Caltech in 2016 here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MN1DVy2XM2k )
My retired senior pastor got married a week after he graduated from college (Harvard).
When something is a little unusual, one has to look at the factors why they went against the grain or that their marriage has survived for so long, and there are many factors. And then learn from those factors. As a Christian, the most important thing is character — and thus discernment of character is the paramount (learned) skill.
Many men have observed that Bill and Melinda Gates is not a normal story. The much more common story is that couples got married and became successful later. Therein is the rub — people do need to understand that marriage (and success) is often the product of what both parties contribute. If you want a diamond, sometimes you have to start with a diamond in the rough, and develop and polish.
It’s kind of completely fictional (maybe too much reading romance novels, which is the female equivalent of pornography) to think that “some woman is going to find some filthy rich bad boy, claims him as her personal reclamation project, and he falls madly in love with that woman and wants to marry her and has reformed his ways.”
Moreover, Bill Gates was not going to give his wealth to some random woman just because she needs a man with multiple residences etc.
Back to the thread: how is Tereza Burki not a gold digger?
Seriously, if a woman doesn’t think men don’t have abilities to detect this stuff, …
Plus one also has to consider the other side of the equation. What does the man want? (And Tereza Burki does not strike me as some prize that men would be falling over themselves to take home and show to their families)
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