My good friend Lindsay has written a post about women, and the choices they make.
Most women will tell you that they want to be married and have children “some day”. But many of them don’t really mean it, they’re just trying to fit in and appear a certain way to others. How can you tell the ones who mean it from the ones who don’t? Simple: you need to see which ones are making choices right now that will really move them to marriage and children in the near future.
Here’s Lindsay’s introduction:
The common feminist advice given to women to live in the moment, travel the world, go drinking, hook up, and have fun in your 20’s and even 30’s and then settle down and be a mom when you’ve had your fill is absolutely terrible advice for many reasons.
Here are the ones I want to talk about:
1) A woman’s fertility is not guaranteed. Waiting until the 30’s or 40’s to have children all too often means not being able to have them at all. Not naturally, anyway, and often reproductive technologies can’t even help. Fertility, unlike travel or luxuries, won’t wait. Use it while you have it.
4) Being a party animal doesn’t prepare a woman for being a wife and mother. Quite the opposite. It teaches her to live for her instant gratification and not consider others or the future. It teaches her to resent children as little burdens that stop her from doing what she wants to do. It teaches her to care only about herself. In short, it turns her inward rather than outward and fuels her natural selfishness, which is exactly the opposite of what is needed in a good mother.
5) Partying, drinking, and hooking up make a woman a bad wife, and bad wives are also, by definition, bad mothers. The kinds of habits that cause a woman to be a good wife, to knit her heart with her husband’s, and to put others before herself also help to ensure that her children will grow up in the stable, married home they need. Premarital sex undermines marital stability. A habit of selfish indulgence doesn’t magically end when the wedding is over. The habits we make follow us for a lifetime.
7) Smart, loyal men who want to settle down and have a family don’t pick partying women for that role, and for good reason. The 30-something living weekend to weekend just to party or hooking up with a string of different men is not good wife material. So when she finally decides, in her mid-30’s, after being all used up, that she wants a husband and children, she is very likely to find she has zero prospects. Men aren’t going to marry her now. They’re not stupid.
Here’s what I’ve found out about young women by meeting a few who said they wanted marriage and children, but did everything except the things that would lead to marriage and children.
First of all, it’s important to note that marriage and children cost money. If the woman is still in debt at age 30, and still in school at age 30, and still avoiding getting a real job and paying off her debt and saving money, then she isn’t interested in marriage and children. Men today are paying 40% of their income to taxes. It’s expected that women will make good choices to study hard things (STEM degrees!) and then get to work in a full-time job, as soon as possible. And then keep earning and saving, until the first child arrives. Money is needed for things like a downpayment on a home, etc.
Second, I have talked to women who delayed marriage for perpetual travel, perpetual school, and serial cohabitations with younger, penniless, unemployed students. Some of these women were raised in church-going intact-marriage homes. When I talk to them about why they are indulging in skydiving, ziplining, traveling, and serial relationships with little boys, they tell me that they are being adventurous. They don’t want to settle down and focus on marriage and child-bearing early because that’s boring. They also tell me that my plan of doing hard degrees, hard jobs, and saving money is boring. If a woman’s first priority is to have fun, then you know right away that her life us not going to be focused on things that require effort and self-sacrifice. There is no “fun” way to be educated in fields that pay well. Every degree that that results in a good paying job will be challenging, i.e. – “boring”. If the woman has a fear of not having fun, then her fear means that she isn’t going to be disciplined enough to be able to marry and handle the needs of children.
Women who prefer to stay in school rather than growing up and getting a job are not good for marriage or children. People learn more at work than they do at school, and work actually pays you, unlike school. And the money you earn and save by working is what gives you the ability to marry, and the ability to have kids. People who can barely take care of themselves certainly can’t take care of children.
Houses are not free, and houses are needed to put a roof over the head of the children. Not only that, but child care, education, health care, etc. all go much better when money has been earned and saved. Money gives you freedom to raise kids how you want, and to counter the culture. You can’t bumble away your peak earning years, and then wonder why your children lost their faith. Why do couples divorce? It’s often caused by lack of money, or poor stewardship of money.
My older advisers tell me that working does not get any more easier or more fun after age 50. It gets harder to do the later you start. Hard things are easier for people who have a pattern of doing what needs to be done, and doing the things today that lead to where they want to be tomorrow. Do what works. Feminist Dance Therapy and Electric Engineering cost the same money, and take the same time and effort to complete. Students in both programs think they are working hard and studying interesting things. But only one degree is a step towards getting married and having children.